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Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Kaiser, May 17, 2015.

  1. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    Is this true? Excluding the technical sense.

    If somebody cheats once, should they ever be trusted again? Would you date somebody who has cheated in the distant past, but seems to be committed nowadays, or would that blemish be too much to overlook?

    Discuss.
     
  2. Jellal

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    Just as people can be forgiven and change their ways, they can also make the same mistakes or take the same deliberate actions again. Any time you choose to trust someone it comes down to a gamble ... the way I operate is that I naively trust just about anyone I meet unless I have a specific reason not to trust them. Once I'm cheated, I will not trust that person anymore, because I have no intention of being fooled again by the same person.
     
  3. newfish

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    I think it varies a lot on the situation in which they first cheated. Anyway, like Jellal says, I would not trust someone who had cheated on me specifically.

    ---------- Post added 17th May 2015 at 10:20 PM ----------

    I think it depends on the situation in which they first cheated. Either way, like Jellal said, I would not trust someone who had cheated on me specifically because clearly that relationship is not really working out.
     
  4. MisterTinkles

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    I will "pull a Kaiser" on you.........

    What frame of reference of "cheating" are you talking about? I cannot assume to know what frame of reference my answer needs to be, if I don't know what kind of cheating you are speaking of.

    There is cheating at card games.
    Cheating on your taxes.
    Cheating a customer out of their correct change.
    Cheating your employer out of actual worked time.
    Cheating by taking shortcuts.
    Cheating by philandering.

    etc, etc, etc....
     
  5. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    Like most of my threads, they're only as limited as the individuals posting in them. All of those are acceptable to consider or address, and I'm glad you mentioned that.

    Part of the amusement is seeing what type of cheating people think of. Though with the "dating" and "committed" remarks, I was implying in terms of romance.

    Now I'm expecting to be wowed by your answer. =P
     
  6. Purp

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    Perhaps they should prove themselves to be trustworthy again. I don't think I'd be able to trust a cheater until a long time has passed and I've noticed improvement in their character.
     
    #6 Purp, May 17, 2015
    Last edited: May 17, 2015
  7. Pret Allez

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    Well, infidelity would be something I hope not to deal with because I would try to let my partner know I'm okay with polyamorous relations.

    If my partner were continuously drifting away from me, I would want to try and address why that is. It's likely that I'm either not who they want, or I was who they want, but now something has changed. So what's the problem? Have I gained weight? Have I ceased to give them the emotional intimacy they desire? Do they not feel comfortable to tell me I'm doing something very undesirable?

    I could go on and on about their ethical problem for being unfaithful. Or I could consider what I'm contributing to the problem.
     
  8. CyanChachki

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    No, I don't believe that they'd always be a cheater. Though I believe that the people who cheat are either very desperate or they are in love with the idea of love and the perfect person instead of trying to accept the person's flaws. I believe they tend to fantasize about their perfect soulmate but quickly realize how hard it is to find that person they've been imagining and will take up another relationship to fill in what the other person can't provide. It's very childish but I also believe that they can grow up to realize that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and that the stuff that happens in Disney movies doesn't truly exist.. that they will eventually have to find the perfect person with flaws and work through it.

    So do I think that they're always going to be a cheater? No. Would I trust them again after they cheated? Definitely not. Staying with a cheater will make them believe that you're okay with their actions. Breaking up with them will teach them a lesson for anyone they wish to have a relationship with down the road.
     
  9. Chip

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    I think a lot depends on the circumstances. People are human and make mistakes, so I could see a circumstance where someone who's cheated can realize the mistakes they made and the importance of being authentic and trustworthy.

    At the same time, there would need to be, in my book, a pretty compelling explanation, a bunch of self-work, a real understanding, and, for example, a commitment to avoid any intervening factors (i.e., alcohol) that could have contributed to the problem in the first place.

    Incidentally, it came to me some months ago why always, always, always using condoms, even in a committed relationship, makes sense: Because it is recognizing that people *are* human, and even the most trustworthy ones make mistakes and bad judgments, sometimes under the influence of alcohol or drugs, sometimes from manipulation, insecurity, or other factors. If you always use condoms, there's an increased likelihood that someone's momentary lapse of good judgment won't change your life.
     
  10. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    Chip, you bring up something that I hear quite often:

    Justification by alcohol.

    Soooo many people hide behind that, as an excuse for their prejudice or hateful remarks, or even their behaviors. I don't know who is teaching folks that, if you're drunk, hey, it's okay to do whatever, it isn't your fault. It's like this Get Out of Jail Free card to some individuals.

    Nobody seems to stress the whole, if you drink and know what could happen, yes, you are responsible.
     
  11. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    If I knew someone cheated on his former partner, more than likely I wouldn't start a relationship with the person, because he's done it once, probably he would do it again.

    If he cheats on me, that will instantly turn him from my boyfriend into my enemy. I would immediately break up with him and ignore him. There is no forgiveness for cheating.

    As for reasons, there is no fucking reason or circumstance that would justify cheating. And yes, I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. People CAN change, but people RARELY change. That's what I've seen so far. One can change his body, his style etc. but he can rarely change what's inside.
     
  12. White Knight

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    Yes...

    Sorry my personal experience with cheaters proves that. So I will steer clear away from them.
     
  13. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I believe that once someone has cheated once, nothing will stop them from cheating a second, or third time. If someone cheats on me, the relationship ends right there and then and I don't even want friendship from them. I don't believe in the "turned over a new leaf" garbage. If cheating is in someone's nature, it's in their nature, end of story. The only difference probably is that the cheater will be more careful to not be caught in future.

    I also believe in the saying, "If he/she cheats WITH you, he/she will cheat ON you." It's self-explanatory.
     
  14. Chip

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    I completely agree with this. I think that 99% of the time, people who are drunk know exactly what they're doing, there's just a commonly-accepted social contract that says "We've collectively decided we're not responsible for our actions if we're drunk."

    I think it's bullshit.

    I also think... if you don't want to have those sorts of issues, don't fucking drink.
     
  15. Invidia

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    muh trust issues...

    I'd probably never talk to that person again, assuming we had promised each other faithfulness.

    Do I believe it's possible to change? Yes, but I would not be the experimental object of his/her/their faithfulness.
     
  16. HugasaurusRex

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    I could and would never trust or forgive someone who cheated. I think they could change, and they may never cheat ever again, but the trust would not be there, and without trust a relationship has no foundation. Trust is everything to me, once broken it can never be gained back once more.
     
  17. Lyana

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    Tough question.

    I've never physically cheated, but I did emotionally cheat on my ex. Though I told him immediately afterward and the relationship survived for a time, I was far from being free of blame. There were extenuating circumstances (the person I cheated with was hospitalized for serious problems, which brought a ton of intense feelings to the surface), I was young, and the relationship itself was shit: I doubt these circumstances will align again in my life, hence I'm fairly sure I'm not doomed to be "always a cheater." I know from past experiences that I can be emotionally faithful.

    With that in mind, I would be open to forgiving a cheater. If I knew they'd cheated in the past, I would discuss it with them. If they cheated on me and then told me, we would talk it out: if it's because they don't want me anymore, then fine, relationship over. If it's something else, then we can talk. I don't actually require monogamy from my partners, if it's agreed on beforehand. But if they cheated and lied and hid it, that's where I would have an issue with it, and that would probably be a dealbreaker when/if I found out.
     
  18. randomly me

    randomly me Guest

    Well if they always cheat i'd wonder why they are together with me in the first place...
    I could forgive someone if it was once or twice.A relationship works becauseyou make it work from both sides.Therefore:if they want to keep on trying so will i.

    As for starting to date someone that cheated...i'd be suspicious.However if it is like in your example that they haven't done it for some time i wouldn't even give it a thought the suspicion (more than i already have for anyone) would only come up if it was recently.
     
  19. imnotreallysure

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    If I was in a relationship and they cheated, I'd be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt if they were genuinely remorseful - but only once.
     
  20. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    What if it was with your just-as-handsome, just-as-charming clone? Could you hold them accountable then?