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Relationship Imbalances?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by godofthestage, May 26, 2015.

  1. godofthestage

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone!

    This is my very first post on this site! I am happy to have found this place! Just to give you a little brief intro, my name is Connor. I am 23 years old and am in a committed relationship. We just recently had our 2 year anniversary.

    Anywho, I wanted to talk about imbalances in relationships. And by that I mean...sexual imbalances. I am younger than my boyfriend by a fair amount. I have the sexual appetite of a horny rabbit....while he doesn't really require it that often. Alot of times I let this hurt my feelings because I feel like he doesn't want to sleep with me. We had an extensive discussion recently about it, and he apologized for having made me feel that way, and he says his sexual drive is just low. I don't really know how to change this. It's the only part of our relationship that needs work.

    Has anyone else experienced this?
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Imbalance in sex drive is one of the biggest single causes of relationship failure. But sex is only one part of the relationship among many important pieces.

    But there's another piece here that might be worth looking at, and that's where you said "I feel like he doesn't want to sleep with me." That might imply that, to you, the act of having sex is synonymous with feeling loved and wanted.

    So you might look at your previous sexual behavior and how you've viewed sex in the past. If you've been in a lot of situations where you felt like people expressed their love for you only through sexual activity, I can easily see where that insecurity could come from.

    If it's purely an issue of sex drive, then cultivating a more mindful masturbation practice might really help. A lot of people have some vague shame about masturbation because it's doing something by yourself, and because society tends to look down upon that, but the truth is that it serves an important biological need... orgasm has a number of health benefits that can't be achieved any other way, and not everyone can experience orgasm with a partner as much as they would like to. And most people treat masturbation as a "get it done" activity, where it can be cultivated into a mindful practice that is powerful and intense and just as enjoyable, or more enjoyable, than sex.

    It isn't likely that his sex drive is going to dramatically change. But if you look at what's underlying your desire for sex (as opposed to masturbation) and the feelings you have, you should be able to work through the "feeling unwanted" piece and cultivate a deeper sense of connection that has less to do with sex and more with touch, cuddling, or other things that are more compatible between the two of you.

    Feel free to describe more about what's going on, or to PM me if you want further assistance.