So that's how I feel. If any of you have seen my posts I kind of have a track record of being a moody, pessimistic and dark person. And really I just wanted a reason to sum up the things that possibly led to this and ask you if it's "justified" or not. So I live in Hungary, a country where honestly, the best thing you can do in my shoes or anyone who's not a top-dog rich guy, is planning your escape. Our history has been loss after loss after loss for the last 500 years and even our national anthem sounds like we just want to sigh and jump into the Danube. Everyone is frustrated and angry all the time because they can't solve simple problems at the authorities, the infrastructure is shit, the salaries are shit... and generally people are these kind of conservative, racist xenophobic assholes who don't do anything else other than drinking beer in front of the TV watching soccer/football matches. Those who don't fit in there are the other kind who drive me up the wall, it's the young people with their superficial nonsense, doing all the trendy hedonistic stuff, and there really is no problem with that, I couldn't care less about what they do, but I'm often told by them that I should get wasted and they want to see me drunk and shit... no just stfu please, I can decide what is good for me without them trying to convert me to their self-destroying cult. So I barely see or meet anyone worth sitting down with for a talk. When it happens it's wonderful though and I always crave intelligent conversations on all the different things you can talk about that actually affect life, unlike the latest celebrity scandals or something like that... And the thing is, noone gets me. I can't share my enthusiasm towards anything with anyone, I can't share a single moment or thought with anyone and rarely do I receive any from others. Over the years this turned me into the dark and angry person I am today who's not that much fun to talk to because I dislike so many things, either because they portray a lifestyle or value system to me that I personally disagree with, or they remind me of something I don't want to be reminded of. But behind all that is the person who wants passion and whatever and I'm afraid of either losing that person deep inside, or my sanity sooner or later. So is it "surprising" that I often come across as an asshole?
That's sad about Hungary. I've always been fascinated by that country, but your description makes me not even want to go there. No, I can't blame you for being an asshole if that's the situation. That's the problem with those poorer countries like that--no one sees a bright future, so no one even tries.
Hey man, I understand what you're going through. I didnt come from as harsh of a background as hungary, but grew up surrounded by conservative, religious people which gave me a deep cynicism of my environment much like you. Felt like I had to get out, so I joined the military which in a lot of ways has made things better but has also compounded my repression and frustration. It is definitely a challenge to stay positive in light of these kinds of circumstances, and I can't say I really have the best attitude either. For years now I seem only to get more bitter and resentful of the unfairness of life. Doesn't appear to be an end in sight, and as you said about your own life, don't really have anyone to talk to about it. As a result, my problems become increasingly internalized which doesn't help and probably makes them worse. No doubt this situation is unhealthy both mentally and physically. Funny as it sounds, I think the prolonged anger has actually molded my face into a resting cold expression. Just today my 27 year old friend was joking with me that I look his age when I'm actually 19. Accordingly, I feel older and more tired than my peers to the point that it's hard to relate with them. Bottom line: being in the closet sucks, but right now coming out is not really an option where I'm at. It wouldn't really improve anything given the environment I live in... And I'm guessing you are in a similar situation. If you ever wanna have that intelligent conversation or just bitch about stuff for awhile, feel free to shoot me a message.
