Hey. I don't want you guys to think I'm a bad person. This has been bugging me for a while. Well, I consider myself not racist, sexist, ableist, xenophobic, homophobic, biphobic, transphobic etc. However, I have them kind of thoughts a lot. Not really at home, but more when I'm out and about. Well I watch a lot of youtube videos, and sometimes they are about lgbt topics/feminism topics/racial issues (like how black people in america are more likely to be arrested/stopped by the cops). I normally check out the comments, but there are always hateful ones. I obsess over them a lot. I always think how these people are assholes. Yet, I feel like I'm becoming one of them. I feel terrible saying this, it doesn't always happen, but when I see someone of a different race/ethnicity I get nervous. I'm not even racist, it's just when I see them I think of them comments. I even can sometimes believe them, which makes me feel brainwashed. I have always been bought up non-judgemental and my parents are all for lgbt rights and very liberal in their views. I just sometimes have these thoughts when I'm out and about. I'm genetically more likely to be more anxious, because both of my parents suffer with anxiety, and with anxiety comes intrusive thoughts. I know they are just thoughts, I would never say/do anything racist or any other discriminative thing to anybody, but our thoughts affect the way we communicate with different people. I feel bad since I'm very privileged since I'm white, male, able-bodied and able-minded (well I have a learning disorder but it's not severe), cisgender and I was also born in the country I live in. I'm only not privileged in the fact I'm gay (or at least leaning to that side?) The biggest problem is the racist/xenophobic thoughts, I have less homophobic/transphobic/sexist whatever thoughts I guess since I'm more connected to the LGBT community and most of my friends are girls. I don't really know many non-white people, the school I go to is majority white and all my school friends are white. This is not even on purpose. I'm just going to stop because I'm probably being super rude and I'm sorry. Meh. I'm not dumb, I have perspective on life and I don't believe in white supremacist crap which is all biased and untrue as f***. I just hate having these thoughts, when I so strongly believe in being open-minded to different people. I don't want to be a hypocrite.
There is a difference between thinking negatively and speaking/acting negatively. In the ideal scenario, your thoughts would match your comments and actions and it sounds like you are putting in a lot of self work and battling against some issues to achieve that balance, so give yourself some credit for that. I'm certainly not going to berate someone who is putting in effort at self improvement. It's good that you are looking for positive content on You Tube (because there is plenty that is negative) but I would recommend avoiding the comments. More often than not, the comments are from people who are making ZERO effort at self improvement and it will only feed your anxiety and intrusive thoughts to read the crap that they are spewing.. just because they can.
It's good that you recognize that these thoughts are ignorant, but society doesn't do a very good at presenting a realistic picture of black people or POC in general, so don't be too hard on yourself. Do you realise that your thoughts are ignorant as soon as the person leaves or when you try to think about something else?
Stereotypes exist for a reason and the media has done them no justice. It's hard to filter out stuff like that when it's surrounding you on a daily basis. (look at the ruckus in Baltimore; that had me riled up for a few days) It's sad such stereotypes exist because there are lots of misrepresented people out there. Your thoughts aren't bad, they seem to be almost immediately self correcting. You notice something, analyze it, and then go deeper into why such is. I wouldn't call you ignorant, just observant.
Thanks ^_^ ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2015 at 08:07 PM ---------- Well when I think the bad thoughts I do normally think "no, do not think like that, it's ignorant" but bad thoughts sometimes come back. I just try to fight them and reassure myself. After the person has left though I either forget about it/or think about it deeply and just feel guilty. ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2015 at 08:08 PM ---------- Thanks ^_^
