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How does it take people so long to realize their sexuality?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by armydude, Jun 10, 2015.

  1. armydude

    armydude Guest

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    I see a lot of people on here write that they never "questioned their sexuality" or "realized they were gay until after high school, college, or even later in life. For me it was pretty obvious who I was attracted to by the time I hit puberty, and by age 14 or so , no way I could deny it anymore.

    I'm not doubting these folks or trying to shit-talk em or anything, I just want to understand because I think it is/will be the case with some people I know.
     
  2. SubZero

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    lol funny because I just recently made a thread and I said "I never questioned my sexuality in high school" in my first post. Did you perhaps get this idea from my thread?

    I guess it takes some people longer than others to realize that they are gay. For me, I never questioned my sexuality until college. It just all of a sudden hit me. I finally was aware that I felt more attracted to guys than girls. Just because I didn't know I was gay in my teens doesn't mean I wasn't ever gay. It just means that I never questioned myself and that it was never of any importance for me to wonder.

    However, looking back at my teenage years it kind of all makes sense. I just didn't come to the realization that I was gay until much later. Hope that makes sense.
     
  3. UmberFox

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    I think this is a topic that's hard to nail down because some people develop a desire for same sex, but are told it's wrong. Or even, in some cases, people develop a sense of desire for the opposite of their romantic/sexual attraction because they think they're right when they could be wrong. Life is about experimenting, some people experiment a lot and realize what they want, others can experiment all their life and realize much later. And then there are a few people who can look at themselves and look at other people and go "I know my sexuality because I don't need to experiment to know that what some people have, won't be working out." This topic has a lot going on, but it's mostly because of situational circumstances or a stubborn/scared mind.
     
  4. PhoenixOfAshes

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    I figured out I liked girls in grade 7, but I was raised in a strict catholic community and family so there was a lot of hatred towards anyone who didn't confine to their idea of normal. I ended up trying to suppress all my feelings, and I tried my hardest to ignore them because I had no idea what they were. It wasn't until I went to a high school 2 hours away from my home that I realized it's okay to be gay! xDD
    So personally I knew there was something there, I just had no idea what it was because I was taught it was wrong if you had feelings for anyone besides a person of the opposite sex.

    I've known I was a guy pretty much my whole life, but I wasn't able to admit it until last year because of the same reasons above, as well as just plain fear. So yeah... that's my story.
    Like I didn't know until a few years ago that I was into girls, but the feelings were there. Meh... probably didn't answer your question at all, but ya know, two cents and all that jazz. (!)
     
  5. armydude

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    Haha yeah! I've heard other people say that kinda stuff on here too. But your post reminded me of how often Ive read that, so you were the inspiration here. Congratulations pal
     
  6. QueerTransEnby

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    It took me a long time because I self-loathed for years. Anyone in my environment was told the gays were pretty much pedophiles, girly, and out to destroy Christianity. It took me a long time to undo those lies that I had been taught in an Evangelical environment.
     
  7. armydude

    armydude Guest

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    Doesn't matter if you answered it. Your first sentence about growing up Catholic is pure gold. It's scarily close to the exact wording I use when I describe my own [catholic] upbringing. Good for you coming to your senses and moving past it... I know how much it sucks being raised in that type of environment. Will never forget having to write "homosexuality is intrinsically evil" on a test at catholic school. God...these types of experiences are why the term "recovering catholic" is gaining popularity!

    ---------- Post added 10th Jun 2015 at 07:55 PM ----------

    Yeah and on top of the evangelical thing, Michigan is not always the most gay friendly time. Lived there for awhile. Outside of Ann Arbor you're pretty much either in a Bible Belt (west side, up north) or some gritty industrial town that doesn't care much for being different. Still love Michigan but that's my take on the attitudes there
     
  8. SubZero

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    Lol cool!

    One more thing I want to point out: I always thought I was attracted to females. However, during my college years, I'm realizing that I'm not sexually attracted to females like I initially thought. I just admire their looks...probably the same way straight guys view other guys as "good looking" without being sexually attracted to them. So, I guess I grew up mistaking admiring someone's looks to sexual attraction...Plus it doesn't help that we still live in a society where heterosexually is the "norm" and anything besides that is considered "abnormal", so I guess I just assumed that what I was feeling and experiencing at that time was heterosexual attraction even though I now know it's not. I'm not saying everybody who realizes later that they're gay think like that, but it's true in my case.
     
    #8 SubZero, Jun 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2015
  9. armydude

    armydude Guest

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    Makes sense. I thought the same way just snapped out of it a little younger age. That was catalyzed by a relationship I had with a girl when i was a freshman in hs, which basically forced me to admit to myself that sexual attraction to females was never gonna happen. I get what you're saying though, I can definitely tell a hot girl from an ugly girl despite being gay. Straight people who claim they " can't tell " if one of their own gender is attractive are full of it imo
     
  10. SubZero

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    I absolutely agree. I mean, who can't tell who's attractive? They just don't want to be portrayed by people as "gay". That's really it.
     
  11. guitar

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    It's something that I've spent the last 5 years of my life wondering and I don't know if I'll really know the answer. I know since 13 I had some feelings toward guys, tingly and what not. But I also don't think my real sexual desires kick in until later. I didn't fully realize my sexuality until about 22-23 when I was dating a girl, we had sex a few times and something just felt off.

    Even though I come from a fairly liberal/progressive/whatever region and was raised with that mentality, for whatever reason I somewhat repressed and never fully realized that side of myself for years. Plus all of my friends were straight males so I never had anyone to talk about having attractions to guys with. Had I been closer friends with my gay friends I was with in elementary school (and have since rekindled our friendships) I might have awakened to the fact that I was gay sooner. I know the common portroyal of gay stereotypes certainly didn't help me either. "How can I be gay when I don't care about fashion or act the way they do?"

    Some possible reasons why it took me so long to figure it out, but truthfully I don't think I'll ever really know why it took me so long to realize my sexuality.
     
  12. sporn

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    I can't really tell what my sexuality is because I have a hard time knowing if I'm actually attracted to someone or not. That's partially because of OCD and partially because of society's stereotypes about girls.

    If I check out girls or feel attracted to girls society doesn't consider that gay. They like to tell me that "all girls" think like that. Same with not being interested in guys. A lot of girls can talk about thinking guys are gross without being considered gay. Some girls can even have sex with women and not be considered gay.

    All of that is great for straight women. The problem with all that is people like to insist I'm not gay even if I explicitly call myself gay. They tell me that sexuality is fluid and all of that jazz. They also like to minimize my attraction to women and try to convince me I'm attracted to every guy I look at. That may not be so bad for a lot of people, but it was bad for me because of my OCD and only being 14/15.
     
  13. Michael

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    Sometimes it can be internalized homophobia.
    Sometimes a lack of self awareness, or fear of the consequences.
     
  14. starlights

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    I'm with the others on this. Self loathing. Shame. Guilt. Fear. Trying desperately to "be straight." It took a long time to accept myself, and I wanted to live life. I didn't want to suppress myself because of what my parents or other people might think of me, and eventually I realized I deserve to be happy, to be in a relationship and maybe even in love.

    I also know that if I didn't work at accepting myself, I would be miserable. I didn't want to be trapped in a joyless marriage living a fake life for the sake of appearances.
     
  15. Lyana

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    Hm. You all definitely have a point about fear and shame, but there are other things, too.

    Being bisexual, I had an attraction to guys, so I assumed I was straight. I had crushes on both girls and guys, but by the time I graduated high school I had never dated or kissed anyone, and I'd only been in love once (with my male best friend).

    Some people are less sexual, too, especially when they're still in school, so they might have a hard time differentiating between strong friendships and genuine sexual attraction.

    Basically, I think some people might just be (late-ish) bloomers and not actually be significantly attracted to people before they're a bit older. Girls, especially, have a thing called "girl crushes," and are very touchy-feely with each other, which may make a lesbian or bi girl feel like there's nothing wrong with the way she feels. That, coupled with the fact that the default assumption (even for yourself) is that you're straight.
     
  16. CyanChachki

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    I think that they're either still questioning or they're ashamed or they're afraid of what might happen to them.

    For years, I've been afraid to come out as Bisexual. I used to identify as a lesbian because I was afraid that my own LGBTQ+ community would tell me that bisexuality wasn't real. I was afraid that people where going to say that I was fake and just doing it for attention. I also made the decision to suppress my feelings for men because the majority of men have made fun of me all my life. I couldn't voice my opinion about how good they looked without them reacting with disgust and acting like I was a terrible person. I could not walk past them without hearing them laugh or make a nasty joke about my weight. I've gotten better in the last two years with that, working on my judgement towards men when I see them approaching me.

    Basically, I just got tired of living a lie. I got tired of conforming to what seemed like society was telling me to do.

    As for being transgender.. that's a totally different story. I have told my parents, sisters, friends and relatives before but the first time I came out, it was a total disaster. It was back when I still lived with my parents, my mother had came back home from work and started freaking out at me and telling me how much I embarrassed her and how terrible I was of a person and to never speak about it to her co-workers (which I didn't, it was my aunt (who works with my mom) that told everyone at her work) I got so much hate for it, it was almost unbearable. I basically went back into that side of the closet and only came out to people who didn't know me outside of the internet.

    About a week ago now, I finally decided to say f it and I came out, again. This time was a lot better and I'm a lot happier with myself.
     
  17. Themis

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    I think what also played a role for me was the fact that my sexuality simply wasn't black-or-white.

    In the beginning of my life I never wanted to like girls (or guys). But still. I remember that moment when I went to athletics with my dad at the age of 8. There was this other girl from my age and she just interested me (even today I still know how she looked that day). I didn't know why, but I hoped so much that she thought the same about me and I really wanted to impress her, so instead of running 1 lap I would run 3, and things like that :lol:

    I had a few similar experiences, but I kept telling myself that I REALLY DID NOT LOVE HER. So at some point when I was 10 I fell in lover with another girl, at first sight, and the feelings were SO strong that I just couldn't deny it. Even still, I kept telling myself "this girl is the only one though". I think I became comfortable with the fact that I liked girls at 11-12?

    So yeah, for me being straight was already some sort of a coming out. If I would have had 0 attraction to girls I would probably be "asexual" till 12 or 13, until highschool started, and then still try to be straight for a few years. But my situation was different. I just discovered "my identity", and I just never thought (or could even imagine) that I was not straight.

    But from 12-onward, I started to notice similar things with guys. Like, at an evening when you're going out with some male friends, and suddenly you feel as if something hits your head and for a few seconds you think one of them looks so cool that night. And of course, looking back, I knew right away what that feeling was. It wasn't a new feeling. But because I did not want to like boys and because I also thought that you could only be straight or gay, I gave it different reasons: "I just admire that guy!" "He's just a really great friend of mine!" "I'm just discovering sexual attraction, I'm just curious in general, it's just a phase!". But slowly over the years it became more obvious. I started to doubt from the age of 15 I think...? But when I was 16 I fell so madly in love with a girl, it was obvious to everyone. That kind of in love where you cannot sleep and feel completely sick when you cannot be with her. And when I was on holidays and fell in love again with a girl I knew it for sure, I was just straight.

    Until some months later I discovered pornography :confused::icon_redf:. That's a part of the story I wouldn't mention in my real life. But yeah, I experimented with some things and just couldn't deny I was also attracted to guys. I then labeled myself as gay until I got confused again and after a long ride I decided I was bisexual (halfway my 17th).

    Now, a few years later, it seems so obvious to me. And I even have a slight preference for guys (although however many times I tried to label myself as gay, for the sake of easyness and certainty, I could never fully discard my attractions to girls either).

    But for me, this also played a role. It was the combination of not wanting to be gay and also having some opposite gender attractions. If I would have been fully gay, I think that point where I could no longer deny it would've happened at 15, 16 maybe.
     
  18. The Wallflower

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    I was 6 years old when I started questioning my sexuality.

    Well, not exactly my sexuality, but I sure knew I was different, and was wondering whether or not I was 'normal'.

    I was 13 when I accepeted who I was. :3
     
  19. MarthRoyIke

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    Like you, I knew as soon as puberty hit that I liked guys. By high school it was clear that woman didn't do anything for me and shirtless guys obviously got me going. But denial is powerful. Anything and everything I ever thought or did that could be considered gay was explained away, no matter how ridiculous the explanation. It wasn't until one day when it crossed my mind that "No straight guy would have this many excuses" that I accepted that this wasn't going away.

    And even then it took me years to go through a spiritual journey with God, multiple therapy sessions, the heteronormativity of society, the rejection of family and friends, and other external factors for me to admit to myself "I'm gay" and live that truth.
     
  20. Austin

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    It seems like it's more acceptance that takes time, rather than realizing.