Hello users of this forum. I like lemonade, so I guess that's my new name now. If you want my real name, just ask. It's a stereotypical name for stupid girls but I don't mind because I have a pretty fitting nickname that came from it. I was going to put this in the welcome forum, but I'm not good at hellos so I'm going to put it here instead, if that's okay. If you don't like life stories, I suggest you leave. Ever since I was in seventh grade, I just knew I wasn't like other girls. I realized that I don't indentify as female this past May. I see myself as a man. I used to think that I was just a really intense tomboy, it's much deeper than that. It's all very new to me. I knew I wasn't, to be cliché, "in the right body", and it made so much sense when I decided to actually educate myself and look up transsexuality. It's like a lightbulb went off after so long, I'm transgender! But after much consideration, I just know that I'll never be a man. As much as I try, I just can't. I think about all the aspects of my life that drive me to this conclusion. First of all, you can look at me and tell that I'm female. I have really feminine features, long eyelashes, huge (annoying) tits, a short curvy figure, curly long hair (I'm not allowed to cut it). I dress like a tomboy, I always have. My mother hates it. You'll never catch me dead in pink or a dress. So I guess I'm "trying" but it's not work. You can still tell, and I don't think any altercations will be able to really change that. I sing soprano in my church and school choirs because I like to sing. Really high soprano, I can hit notes in the upper 6th octave. Testosterone would mess that up completely and I really like my voice the way it is. Then there's my bust. Like I said, they're huge and annoying. Freaking 32G cup, who even passes a DD cup? I'm positive that there's no good binders that would actually work for someone like me. I tried to go the "dangerous" route and use tape one time. Yeah, never again. I know mastectomies do exist, but I tutor a kid whose mother is a two-time breast cancer survivor. She's a very brave woman, like my second mother, but can't get over the fact that she "lost a part of her identity as a woman". It would be incredibly selfish for me to just take out my breasts because I hate them and don't want them when someone like her has lost them unwillingly and feels like less of a woman without them. So I'm uneasy about that. Stuff like that is expensive anyway, especially if it's for "cosmestic" purposes. That's another thing, I feel like you would always have some part of your old body that you don't want but can't really get rid of. The biggest thing for me is the constant unacceptable that lingers around you. Just look up any article about Caitlyn Jenner then read the comments. People will never accept the fact that you're just a bit different, you're sick and defected in their eyes. I live in Arizona, with a devout Christian mother and stepfather (I'm an in-the-closet atheist haha). They don't accept it, they see it as an unforgivable sin. How am I supposed to go around dressed like a boy when they already hate the fact that I'm a tomboy? I have these beautiful sisters who are all girly, I'm the black sheep really. I look at transgender teen suicides like Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington, Taylor Alesana, Zander Mahaffey...it worries me. Society is changing for gay people step by step but for transgenders, it's really not. All things considered, it's better to be an unhappy and confused woman. This is my conclusion. My pronouns are still she, her, hers, the feminine ones. It's a very dark and cowardly way to live, but it's easy in all honesty. Anyway, I like to sing, paint, draw, and shoot at the shooting range. Black, purple, and silver are the best colors and Metallica is the best band. I eat too much and I complain a lot. I was going to say that I won't do it here, but the whole point of this thing I typed would contradict that. Yeah...life isn't good :lol:
Are you really sure that's how you want me to address you? I'm not going to force you into anything, but we have a very supportive and active trans and genderqueer community here. What you've put on the table is that you've got huge stress and a big need to be identified and named correctly; if only you'll let us... (*hug*) So, I'd consider it before shutting the door... I hope you shoot 9mm. ~ Adrienne
This exactly. Also don't be so sure that you will never be your true self. If worst comes to worst, you are very close to the age in which you are a legal adult and can control your own affairs. Unfortunately, life will throw hardballs but maintaining hope and determination will go far.
I'm a transman, and I believe you are too. When it comes time for you to accept yourself as trans and get get some supportive friends I'm sure you will. Coming out to yourself can sometimes be hard. After you've done all that you should have the masectomy because YOU want to. You're not that woman who said she lost part of her woman hood. That's how she feels, not how you feel. You don't have to feel the same as cis women. I spent years letting cis women put pressure on me to act more feminine and present as a girly girl. Eventually I remember thinking, "I'm not like those women and I shouldn't have to be. I'm a different kind of woman...then realized I'm a trans man. I'm not a woman at all just because I was born one. I'm a man stuck in a woman's body. Do what works for you, what feels good for you, at the time it's convenient for YOU.
Wow people actually responded to this, whoa I only shoot with 9 mm And well, I don't have a male name. I've just always gone by my birth name, which is a female name. I don't see the point in trying to go by male pronouns because it will really change nothing.
I'm not trying to convince you or anything, but deciding to live an unhappy life doesn't sound very healthy. It's easy and maybe it feels okay for now, but according to my own experiences there's a risk it's just getting harder and harder not doing what could make you happy. Why are you not allowed to cut your hair? How can someone really decide over YOUR hair? I don't get that. But if cutting it really is a big no, guys can have long hair too! It's not very common among transguys but I have seen it. I loved my female singing voice as well. That made me hesitate about taking testosterone. But I was so unhappy that I decided it's worth sacrificing. I rather live a happy life than have a nice singing voice. However, my new singing voice turned out pretty good and I like it very much. I can't sing in the same range or take higher notes but it's very smooth and beautiful, somewhat androgynous. If you prefer your voice the way it is, testosterone is not a must to live as a man. There are a lot of guys with high voices. The woman you are talking about is not you. You have completely different problems. You can't compare to her at all. If you hate your breasts you shouldn't keep them because of her and other women in her situation. Removing your breasts doesn't affect them or their problems AT ALL. You have to do what makes you happy. Get rid of those thoughts! Well, in the end the decision is yours. I hope you will find happiness in some way or another.
I also considered pretending for a while... however, that was merely the anxiety speaking, and I realized it would tear my soul apart. I think what I'd recommend for you are three things. 1) Properly look up the effects etc. of female-to-male transition. Very many trans men are more than happy with the results. If you look it up, maybe you would see it in a more positive light too. For example, I'm kind of the opposite of you with singing. I also sing (though not nearly as good, I would guess!) and I like being able to sing low, although my singing still is more medium to high. Now that I've started voice training by myself etc., I'm already finding it more difficult singing low, because I don't do it as often I guess. I'm okay with that though. If you're not, well there are other ways to go about it if you don't feel T is for you right now. You can always change your mind later if you feel that is what you want. 2) See a good gender therapist or general therapist/psychiatrist, and talk it out a bit. You seem to have anxiety (I can tell, I do too). It can help you. 3) Consider taking up Adrienne's (Pret Allez') advice. If you want to, we here on EC can start calling you he. In fact, because you identify as male, we likely will anyway, by reflex It might take you time and effort to have people IRL use male pronouns, and if you do want that, it's your decision to take to ask them, although we will support you of course. If only for the sake of it. It feels great having the right pronouns, it really does Any questions or if you just want to vent, feel free to wall me!
I don't have much advice. I really don't know what you are going through. But I hope you got some helpful advice so far! One thing I do want to say is don't be miserable. Try to be true to yourself. Things may get better when you are able to get out on your own. And we are always here to support you! Much love!
