Update on my life: So much has happened/is happening

Hey everyone. So I haven't been active in here and there gas just been so much happening to me lately. As you guys may know, earlier this year back in February, I came out as transgender after being in deep denial about it for a long time. There was a point before I came out where I tried to tell myself that I was bigender, and I did also come out to my parents and a few friends as bigender, but I realized that I completely identify as a female. My parents wouldn't let me dress as a female for a while, and this hurt me a lot because I never felt like myself and I became depressed and suicidal again. One day, I had a huge breakdown and I would write a bunch of negative statuses on Facebook saying stuff like "All people are rude and fake", "Nobody is there for me", "I'm tired of feeling misunderstood", "I just want to run away and start a new life as a different person", etc. I would also delete these statuses right away, but someone noticed them and they messaged my mom about them. My parents started to understand how affected I was by not being myself. She took me shopping, and she bought me two outfits and they were gender neutral, which isn't as feminine as I want to be but it is better than nothing. And I slowly started getting more outfits throughout the months and they're becoming slightly more feminine, which is pretty amazing. My parents are also kinda controlling over how I wear my makeup, but at least I get to wear makeup. I remember how back when I only had a couple outfits I would just feel so happy when I was dressed as a female but when I was dressed as a male I just felt so suicidal and insecure and I didn't want to be around people, but now I'm able to wear a female outfit everyday! I've had a couple friends give me clothes and makeup which helped me a lot. There was something that happened to me that was very devastating to me. I recently lost my best friend who's been friends with me for almost two years. I've honestly never been so close to someone and I never trusted someone so much. She just never really seemed interested in talking to me and she pretty much replaced me. However, I've actually made some new amazing friends who have been supporting me so much and I became closer to some of the friends I already knew. As you guys may know, I'm a die hard Kesha fan, and she's actually helped me through everything I've been through and listening to her music has been such a healthy coping mechanism. Uploading videos on mu YouTube channel also helped, along with watching other YouTubers (mostly Joey Graceffa). Me writing negative statuses on facebook and deleting them really fast has actually been a habit for me, but U haven't done it in a while. I actually recently deactivated my Facebook, which was honestly an amazing decision. I was addicted to it and it consumed too much of my time and it really ate me up and I actually feel happier without Facebook. I've also recently relapsed on self harm, but I haven't done that in a couple of weeks. I've also been learning to drive, which is pretty amazing. Also, I'm currently seeing a therapist who specializes in the category of transgender issues/transgender people. This is a very huge step for me and it's a huge step in transitioning. Also, therapy has honestly been amazing for me and it helped me. My mom I actually going to fill out the application to go to the hospital to get a check up for transitioning/taking hormones. Also, this is random, but I'm actually growing my hair out =D I honestly anticipate having long hair so much. I'm also training my voice to sound higher by myself. Honestly, thinking about transitioning just excites me so much and I feel so ready for it. At first I was mostly scared to do it, but now I only feel a little scared and I just feel so excited. My mom said that I'll probably be living full time as a female in my senior year (I'm about to be a Junior). Also, I go by Iris now because I discovered that Matty just wasn't the name for me. Honestly though, I do feel bad because now people have to adjust to Iris after adjusting to Matty. But things in my life are starting to get a lot better now. I discovered myself, I have mor freedom and I feel more like myself, I have new close friendships, I'm in therapy, I'm planning transitioning, and I'm learning to drive which does make me very nervous but it's also exciting. That's all I have to say. I love you guys so much! Thanks for supporting me <3

 

Thank you for your support Bryan!! I'll definitely keep you all updated

 

Yeah, it has been a crazy journey, which is great. Life would be boring if it was perfect. Thank you for your support! <3

 

Thanks I'm just so happy with my life right now