My most recent ex had a variety of different mental illnesses and struggled with substance abuse. For as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling of wanting to "save" people, and that feeling of wanting to be their hero made me feel more attracted to them. I thought that it was nice that I was being trusted when they'd eventually confide in me and ultimately give me unconditional trust. Looking back on it, it sounds a lot like I was just enjoying power trips from their trust in me and my ability to make them feel better. My ex really helped me realize how problematic that was because it was such an abusive relationship, but I kept giving them advice on how they could feel better and strategies they could use the next time they felt depressed - essentially I was just their therapist, which was exhausting to me because I wasn't what one would deem emotionally stable at the time, and really I think it was somewhat self-destructive behavior on my part. The abuse helped me see how counterproductive that was. My help was not be appreciated, it was unwanted, and the only reason I was giving them help was so I would feel like the good guy. Since breaking up, I've noticed that low self-esteem/confidence are now gigantic turn-offs for me, not that they were ever turn ons, but I considered them with a more open mind than I do now. I associate low self-worth with baggage that I don't want to deal with. And that makes me feel like an ass for a noted lack of interest in people with those issue, but I just don't want to deal with other people's stuff. Is this mean of me? Is that a normal response to my experiences?
I don't believe it's mean; everyone takes and deals with different things in different manners. Personally, low self-esteem/confidence has always been a slight turn-off for me for as long as I could remember... But I've known how it felt to have low self-esteem, and deal with several people who had low self esteem. I also have been in abusive dynamics with people, so I can understand where you're coming from. Anyway, I've gotten past this - but I think it's actually healthy that you drop unnecessary baggage from your life. Just as long as you don't be too avoidant because it's a 2-way street in a relationship. Just give as much as you can get and you'll have a good, mutual, and healthy bond.
^^ what he said; we deal with things in whatever manner we can. We become aware of them but don't know how to control them. In my case, I was brought up to be that way because my mom was, and continues to be, the most insecure person I have ever met. She has always been obsessed with her weight and health and she is constantly begging me for advice and support. Bottom line is, she wants me to tell her she's beautiful and that she looks as young as her current boyfriend despite that being a lie. Socially, I'm the type of guy that goes out of the way to make people happy and give them advice I myself cannot take. It's like I detach myself from my own problems and focus on those of others because I was trained to deny my own. The problem becomes when I fail to deal with my problems first. Insecure people don't annoy me, but I feel pity or guilt for them so the urge to help them comes out. Most times, it's because I hate seeing someone be that way. If I were to help this person out, I would stop feeling the same way myself maybe. It's dumb logic.:bang:
