With the Supreme Court decision I've kinda had a rekindled interest in an old idea I was working on awhile back. I wanted to make a Story album. You know an album that tells an overarching story, and this was supposed to be the first song on it. I think it's a good start, but it needs work. I will warn you though the first song is meant to set things up for the protagonist and is told from the perspective of his homophobic father. It's a lil in the "Rough draft" area though so some of the lyrics aren't the best. I'd love some feed back and suggestions though. Tension in the livingroom ( Verse 1 ) This illusions got the best of me there is no other explanation I deny this moment of ecstasy I reject your damnation It all must be another dream there is no other explanation A nightmare, to make me scream What is this sensation? My hands are shaking my blood it boils my heart is aching No time to recoil from this... (Chorus ) Tension in the living room Are you the bride now, or still the groom? If you love him, well that's fine, yeah that's fine, but you ain't no son of mine! ( Verse 2 ) Don't you give me your tears I don't care for waterworks I feel no sympathy for you queers In sin is where your kind lurks How is your flesh my flesh? How could your blood be mine? Oh your soul, can I refresh Lord give me a sign! Cause my hands are shaking my blood it boils my heart is aching no time to recoil from this... ( Chorus ) Tension in the living room Are you the bride now, or still the groom? If you love him, well that's fine, yeah that's fine, but you ain't no son of mine! ( breakdown ) My heart has no room for you and the rent is 17 years overdue so you can just... get out *whispered* Get out * lil louder* Get out *spoken angrily* GET OUT! ( Chorus ) There's Tension in the living room Are you the bride now, or still the groom? If you love him, well that's fine, yeah that's fine, but you ain't no son of mine! If you love him, well that's fine That's goddamn fine But you ain't no you ain't no son of mine
Good start! I'm a freelance editor and I love working with lyrics, but I'm super tired now so I'll edit the whole thing for you tomorrow in terms of meter and such I promise. In the meantime, let's talk content! Your first stanza needs work. It doesn't really make sense. What is the illusion, does the dad think his son coming out in an illusion? And the third line makes it seem like the dad himself is experience feelings of ecstasy from his son coming out but is trying to fight it. Also you repeat the second line "there is no other explanation" in the second stanza only. Here's how I feel on line repetitions: either go all the way, or don't use them at all. Line repetitions can really help tie verses together, but they need to be used more frequently. I'm not saying every stanza, but at least once a verse. I actually think that would work rather nicely for you, to bring more of the dads internal struggles into the later verses. "There is no other explanation" really lets the audience see how he's working hard to rationalize this mind-blowing revelation he's just received and you do need to give him a little more depth. Right now he's just a jackass flat character, and I'm not saying he's not a jackass, but he's a person with his own upbringing, and past experiences that have led his to be the place he is today. Why is he so opposed to his son being gay (or bi whatever)? Let those motivations leak though into the song so instead of it being about a jackass homophobe yelling at his son, it's a poetic struggle between the fathers dogmatic expectations for his sons life, and the shocking new revolution he's received. I hope that makes sense at least a little. Sorry I'm so doped on lunesta, but we'll talk tomorrow!
Thank you for the input, I hope to hear more from you whenever you're not as tired. This is my first adventure into writing lyrics, so any feedback would be super helpful. So the character is flat right now? oh and the illusion part was supposed to be like a 'denial' kinda thing sorta a "This can't be real" moment. Edit: I had different lyrics originally ( though it's been awhile, I'm sorta brushing the dust off of this ) and when I first wrote it no one could even figure out what the song was about, so I was trying to make it more umm...clear I guess.
OK rework the first stanza please with my suggestions and submit again. The second stanza is great, as is the bridge and chorus. Verse 2, Stanza 1 Don't you give me your tears I don't care for your waterworks I'll have nothin' to do with queers Or the sin in which you lurk Verse 2, Stanza 2 How is your flesh my flesh? How could your blood be mine? Can I make your soul afresh? Lord, give me a sign! ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2015 at 04:38 PM ---------- Also I suggest you add one more repeat to the final stanza. If you love him, Well that's fine, That's goddamn fine, But you ain't No you ain't No you ain't No son of mine!
Hmmm lets try this This is surely a bad dream, there is no other explanation A nightmare to make me scream I reject your damnation This illusion has a hold of me a perverse declaration I deny your moment of ecstacy I reject your damnation I flipped the first and second stanza around, and made some smaller changes to them. Maybe this will make it more sensible and less repeaty. We'll see ^^" eh...looking at it in hindsight I don't know how I feel about it...I'll wait for your reply.
Oooh I'm liking that alot! But now you're repeating "I reject your damnation." So how about: This illusion has a hold of me, A perverse declaration. I deny your moment of ecstasy, Your wicked gratification. I mean, it's up to you of course. You're the artist.
Ah well repeating that line was more oversight than actual attempt, and I do like that change X3 Now lets put it back together and see it as a whole This is surely a bad dream, there is no other explanation A nightmare to make me scream I reject your damnation This illusion has a hold of me, A perverse declaration. I deny your moment of ecstasy, Your wicked gratification. My hands are shaking my blood it boils my heart is aching No time to recoil from this... (Chorus ) Tension in the living room Are you the bride now, or still the groom? If you love him, well that's fine, yeah that's fine, but you ain't no son of mine! (Verse 2 ) Don't you give me your tears I don't care for your waterworks I'll have nothin' to do with queers Or the sin in which you lurk How is your flesh my flesh? How could your blood be mine? Can I make your soul afresh? Lord, give me a sign! Cause my hands are shaking my blood it boils my heart is aching no time to recoil from this... ( Chorus ) Tension in the living room Are you the bride now, or still the groom? If you love him, well that's fine, yeah that's fine, but you ain't no son of mine! ( breakdown ) My heart has no room for you and the rent is 17 years overdue so you can just... get out *whispered* Get out * lil louder* Get out *spoken angrily* GET OUT! ( Chorus ) There's Tension in the living room Are you the bride now, or still the groom? If you love him, well that's fine, yeah that's fine, but you ain't no son of mine! If you love him, well that's fine That's goddamn fine But you ain't no you ain't no son of mine I know you said something about adding to the end there, but I'm not sure how to add to it and still have it flow properly ^^"
Nice! I like it! Now really the only way to hear what flows nicely and what still needs work is to put it to music. What were you thinking in that regards?
Well I was listening to like a lot of MCR at the time I wrote this. Specifically the black parade album and I kinda imagined this song as a kinda really energetic rock song, with the breakdown being something Breaking Benjamin like. I'm not good with instruments, but I kinda have an idea of how it'd sound in my head. Too bad I don't know any music terminology ^^" Oh I also have the second song ( Which is where I dropped this project before ) written out, but it's suuuper rough draft and while it's technically getting the right idea across it was so bad I ended up giving up at that point >.<
Alrighty ^^" Ain't nothin but a stray (Verse 1 ) A lot of rumors floating around, while your feet try to touch ground Will you bend or will you break? Just how much can this kid take? You could give your friends a call If you had any friends at all They left you long before, since you got kicked right out the door and I hear that you... ( Chorus ) Ain't nothing but a stray! living in the alleyway at least that's what they say you ain't nothing but a stray (Verse 2 ) It may not be a four course meal but you might just get your fill Rotten and abandoned lunch at least that's everybody's hunch Why don't you give the family a call? If you had a family at all They left you long before, They kicked you right out that door and I hear that you... ( Chorus ) Ain't nothing but a stray! living in the alleyway at least that's what they say you ain't nothing but a stray. ( breakdown ) Flash those puppy dog eyes out here anything flies It'll make for a long night and you won't just be alright Being out here ain't no fun You may regret what you've done but did you really have a choice? because you... *starts off at speaking volume and fades to silence as the words are dragged out* Ain't nothing but a stray! living in the alleyway at least that's what they say you ain't nothing but a stray. Ain't nothing but a stray dyin in the alleyway Everything won't be okay cause you ain't nothing but a stray! Ain't nothing but a stray!
MCR was dope, their second album, three cheers for sweet revenge, that's about it. Do you actually plan on putting this in a real song, or just lyrics for 'what if'?
I think it's really good, honestly. I wish I was creative enough to write something half as brilliant as that. If I were to change ONE thing (and I'm no music major, maybe I'm wrong...) but I wouldn't do the repeating of words with "well that's fine, yeah that's fine" - Maybe something along the lines of "well that's fine, maybe you'll change in time" that way it still rhymes and fits the song well?
Oh really? =O I hated it, but I guess it's okay. I did make a few small changes whenever I reopened it to show you so you didn't see the original version X3 Okay then...now I just need to figure out what to write next. Alright I have a question For pacing of the album should the next song continue the upbeat kinda fast paced trend, or would this be about the time things slowed down for a second? I'm thinking It'd need to be one or two more songs before a slow song, right? I've never done this before soo.... >.< ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2015 at 04:35 PM ---------- Yay X3
