This question is for anyone who isn't out yet and isn't in or doesn't want to even attempt a beard relationship. Here's a little story and I'm sorry if it's too long but I just want to spill the beans. I found myself back in a corner at work just yesterday when guys my age started talking about relationships. I tried to sneak out of the conversation and keep myself more busy, but imminently the question was passed onto me. I just hate it when they ask about whether you have a relationship now and if you've ever been in a relationship before. I knew that if I tried to lie, they might see through it or I might stutter and give myself away. So I said no and the excuse I gave was that I just wanted to work on my confidence and my looks (get more buff) before getting a girlfriend. So now that I said no, these guys are hard pressed to find me a girl by next week and I'm like really super annoyed and stressed. So I'm actually considering finding another factory to work at because I'm just not here for that. Plus, I don't want to admit that I'm gay because I'm not even out to my family yet, let alone co-workers and they seem homophobic (one of them uses the "no-homo" lingo and the other literally came from Jamaica a week ago) and a lot more other workers are immigrants. I just don't want any tension or bad vibes at work. How do you (if you're in the closet and not in a beard relationship) respond to relationship questions?
I'm in the closet to most people and I just say that I have my eye on someone. If they ask more, just say you and her aren't that close.
First off, I'm sorry for the situation you're in man! I've had homophobic "friends" in the past, who I never admitted anything to. It's definitely stressful. :/ Not many people ask me if I'm interested in a relationship anymore. Maybe because I'm technically an adult, and have never been on a proper date. (Or at least, not one that they are aware of. I did have a girlfriend briefly.) When the question does prop up, I tell them I'm not looking, and doubt I will. I have chronic kidney disease, and use that as an excuse. "I'm usually sick to some degree, and would hate to drag someone down." That's definitely true (to a point) but if I was into someone I wouldn't let that slow me down. Some people have mocked me for it before, but I get over it. In highschool everyone was dating, but I ever felt the pressure to get into a relationship. That may be because I could almost identify as Aromantic, and never felt any urge. I also have BPD and am on the autism spectrum, which I have used to my advantage in those conversations as well. "Oh, someone like me wouldn't do well in a relationship!" It's easier to manipulate the truth than it is the blatantly lie. I don't like suggesting manipulation to anyone, but for the case of closeted community it is an option. I hope you figure something out.
I normally tell the truth but switch the genders of whoever I'm talking about: "I really fancy this girl, at work/at my running group, so I'm trying to get to know her a bit more." The more objectifying (is that the word?) the guys are, the harder it is to use that kind of lie though because I can't bear to keep up with that kind of behaviour. The girls who work in/are part of the same group are normally used to them, so guess that I'm gay quite quick. At least that way, when the girls are nearby when we talk about relationships, they can divert it away from me.
In Asia, I think when our parents ask us, we do this thing where we place our career first and our studies first to throw them off.
While I was still back home in Namibia, whenever me and my brother skyped he asked me how it was going with the girls. I would always say that it's none of his business in a joking way, and that I'm trying to focus on school. Now that I've moved to Germany I'm closer to him. We've hung out twice and both times he asked me about a girlfriend. And now I don't feel like I could just say that it's none of his business anymore since I'm not a little kid. I'm sure two straight brothers, both of age, would love to talk about the girls in each others lives. So now I just say something like: "Yeah, there are so many hot girls in my city/uni that it's hard to choose". And then I usually divert the conversation back to his girlfriend and ask about her studies. It's always such an energy drain to have these types of conversations with him, or any of my friends for that matter. It really sucks that the guys at your work are like that. If you don't find another factory I guess you should just try out Sarii's suggestion. Good luck.
as a fellow asian i second this option Studies and careers are easy excuse to slip away from relationship based conversation that's also one phrase that i often used to turn down someone, and/or explaining my relationship status. Basically saying NO but without any intentions of telling that i'm gay another one is "I'm not interested in dating girls right now" or "its non of your business"
I had the same problem a fewm months ago when I switched career paths and every single guy out there was questioning me to see if I had a Girlfriend or not. I just think you have to be strong and not let them get to you like. Just be Clear and honest (Almost honest?) "I really don't want a relationship right now. I came here to work and right now in my life that is all I can afford to do" Just say you want to be your own person, and figure your life out without the clutters of a relationship because wether we want it or not a relationship changes a lot of things in our life. That worked for me and they respect me now xD
Tell them politely that they are not doing you any good because you will find a prtner when YOU want to and you don't want to have a relationship right now. And tell them that if they have any respect for you, they will do what YOU know is good for you, not what THEY think is good for you.
If people question why I don't have a boyfriend, I just tell them that I'm focusing on other things and now isn't a good time for me to be getting into a relationship. When I was in school, my excuse was, "I'm focusing on school."
I lie as usual... Naw, once I tell them what happened and say a million times how sorry they are, they never ask again about the subject. Only my mother tries, but she is naturally that stupid, and we only talk for five minutes twice a year. The folks I go with are either not interested on my relationship status at all, or... Very interested, which is usually mutual.
I had this co-worker (we don't work together anymore) who was very 'interested' in finding me a girlfriend, so the bitch would always say shit like "we need to find you a girlfriend", "oh, she's cute, maybe I could get her number for you", "do you want me to ask her if she's single" etc. and sometimes she would say this right in front of a client - usually the ones she was reffering to as 'cute' and 'want me to get her number for you'. Yeah, she was that tacktless. So, at first I didn't say anything but as she was getting more and more nosy, I thought it was time I told her that I didn't appreciate her "assistance" and that I don't need a girlfriend. So, I told her that she should not worry about me and that if I needed a girlfriend, I could probably get one. Well, she stopped "offering help" eventually and that was it.
I just tell them I'm not really interested and I tell them I don't want anyone right now as I'm focusing on other things like coursework, getting a job etc and that's it haha.
