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Dating Older men/daddies

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Dahmer, Jul 5, 2015.

  1. Dahmer

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    i'm 16 and i love older men. i've always had this kink and when i tell my friends they all freak out or this i'm joking. whats wrong with wanting a mature, loyal, & financially stable man? maybe i have daddy issues or something but it really turns me on when they call me boy in a sexual way.

    Younger gays- what are your thoughts on older gay men?
     
  2. Burnedcloset

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    I'm 18 and i find guys near my age more then older guys.
     
  3. Taly

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    I am attracted more to older men; but I wouldn't say I have daddy issues or anything, I am attracted to people near my age but meh... I do understand your feelings on this though
     
  4. Andrew99

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    Age is just a number. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Daydreamer1

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    I say that as long as all parties are consenting adults, I don't see a problem with people who have "mommies" or "daddies".
     
  6. Austin

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    I find some older guys attractive, but I'd never date one. Sex, maybe.
     
  7. CodeForLife

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    Although age probably *shouldn't* make a difference -- personality should -- I think in general, large age differences (over 10 years) will typically mean different types of interests, different stages of life, and possibly different physical limitations. This makes long-term relationships less likely for people from different generations, but if the two adults have a strong personal connection, why should you care about the number?
     
  8. Chip

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    Age is NOT just a number.

    Here I am speaking, generally, about relationships where the younger person is in his mid-20s or younger, and there's a significant gap... let's say 5 or more years. And these are almost always horribly unhealthy. For both parties, but particularly for the younger person.

    For a relationship to be healthy, there should be a reasonable amount of balance and equality. This is all but imposslble when there is a large age gap because of age, world experience, usually income/stability, and other factors. There are also issues related to culture and common interests that often come into play.

    In general, the older people that seek out younger ones are looking for people they can control and manipulate. Sometimes this is framed as "loving and caring" but it is really anything but. And there is often a lot of physical control -- limiting of access to friends and sometimes family, or when, what, and where the younger person can do. Or the control can be more subtle and psychological.

    In any case, it is nearly always unhealthy, but the "age is just a number" chorus always insists that it is just fine and there's no problem... until they eventually figure out just how screwed up it is, how badly they've been manipulated, and how much it has prevented them from the normal healthy life-skill building that comes from living in the world in a normal, healthy relationship.

    Another factor to consider: Why on earth would a healthy older person want to be with someone way younger than s/he is? The answer is... s/he would not. So what you find is not the older, grounded, stable person you want, but an older, broken person who is trying to live vicariously through the younger person s/he is cultivating a relationship with. Further, many of these people will keep their boy/girlfriend around for a while, but when they start to get too old... unceremoniously dump them for the next one.

    All in all, while there are the rare exceptions (probably less than 1 in 1000), these relationships are usually anything but healthy.
     
  9. Suspector

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    What Chip said seems smart. A guideline of sorts as well
     
  10. Andrew99

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    I'm still convinced age is just a number.
     
  11. Tightrope

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    This is exactly how I felt when I was in college. Some were very attractive ... some professors, some maintenance workers, some admin. people ...

    Sex? Yes. Them buying me a steak and a baked potato? No.

    I could still go grab a burger and fries with them, before or after the sex, but I'd want to pay for my own.

    BTW, I answered this from WHEN I wore the shoes that the OP was asking that the respondents wear.
     
  12. GArchi1992

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    Personally I find some older men attractive, but I would never consider dating anyone old enough to be my dad.
     
  13. Richie.

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    I've always been attracted to middle aged guys I have a boyfriend in his forties I'm in my mid thirties now it's works well

    My mom has a husband the same age as my BF which feels a bit weird

    My bf is tens older
    My moms hubby ten years younger lol
     
  14. dano218

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    I am personally more attracted to older guys and get along better with them. I dated one until he passed away at 47 suddenly and it was a great relationship. But now that he is passed away my mom especially hopes I find a guy my age now. After so much time defending myself and my relationship it is disheartening and for now on I am not even gonna bring age into the picture when I date a guy which means I just won't mention his age. Don't get me wrong i am open to all adult ages but i get along more with the older ones from where I live and stuff like that. People still think i need therapy for my attraction to older men and what a insult that would to my bf's memory that that is all bullshit in my case.
     
  15. Christiaan

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    First, if you are looking for an older man because you're wanting some sugar-daddy to take care of you and shower you with gifts and privileges, then it's unlikely to work. In fact, studies show that, the more money is spent, in a relationship, the quicker it breaks down.

    Now, it might be accurate to say that, statistically, relationships in which there are larger age-gaps have a higher failure rate. However, statistics do not take individuality into account. If you put me into a relationship with a person closer to my age, you might think yourself very clever and say, "This will be so much better for him!" You might not believe me, but a situation like that is a disaster on its way to happening. A relationship with a man my own age is never going to work. My temperament is not amenable to it.

    Anyway, here is a very good article on making relationships with large age-differences actually work:

    http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/15981/1/Handling-Big-Age-Difference-in-a-Relationship.html

    Now, borrowing from her views, I am going to give my input, here:

    1) If you are sensitive to other people's judgment, then you are in trouble. When people see what they believe is "unhealthy" for you, they can be hideously cruel. This is one of the chief reasons that relationships with large age-gaps often fail. If you are not very strong-willed, you are in trouble.

    2) A person who comes from a different generation has different interests and different worldviews. That person's stances on politics, even if that person has the same "letter" on his voter's registration, are not the same as yours. They are not going to be. If you do not have very high "openess," on the five-factor personality tests, and an in-born ability to look at the world in a very different way, then you are likely to find the person in question to be very frustrating.

    3) A person 40 years older than you is not likely to understand anime. I'm a dork: I watch films like Casablanca, and I do not have typical interests for a Mellennial. If you are a "pokemon-trainer," then a person who was born in the 40's is going to lecture you on "putting away childish things" in almost every case, even if that person's interests really just reflect the things that children from that person's cohort were expected to enjoy. If you try to put too fine of a point on this seeming double-standard, then you are starting a fight. Don't do it. Just understand that there are certain things you grew up with and cherish that that person might find hard to understand, and that works both ways.

    Now, the guy I am currently dating was 4 years old when his parents fled Cuba during the fall of Batista, and part of his childhood memories is having people with submachine-guns kicking in the front door and storming in giving orders. He is actually aghast that I haven't watched Avatar: The Last Airbender yet. Also, I understand many things that he grew up with. We have compatible interests, and we don't just march lockstep with our cohorts in terms of the things we enjoy.

    4) However, let me go back to my first paragraph. You must not enter a relationship looking for someone to take care of you. You are a man...or a woman. But chiefly, in almost every case that one partner is showering the other with gifts, trips and material things, it is a disaster on its way to happening. Do not do this to yourself. You are going to end up in a situation, that way, exactly like what Chip, above, was predicting, if you are wanting a "daddy."

    Here is the secret: those gifts and those trips are a purchase. They create entitlement. It is the dirty, little secret of the self-entitled psychopath. As soon as you start getting presents or anything of that nature, sing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road," and run. Run like your life depends on it because it just might. One person I know had to pull a gun in his self-defense, in that kind of situation. It was horrible. Don't let a man shower you with gifts like you're some chattel. You are better than that.

    It might be that relationships in which there is a substantial age-difference tend to struggle, but there are reasons for those problems, and let me summarize the perils:

    A) The cynicism of others.

    B) Closed-mindedness on the part of one or both partners.

    C) One trying to "buy" the other with material things.

    I am speaking as someone who is actually experienced with relationships that have substantial age-differences, meaning that I cared for a man while he died from terminal pancreatic cancer, and I still say it was a damn good relationship. I am not some inexperienced, impressionable child that you can counsel on what kind of person he is and what he is, what is good for him, or what he is or isn't capable of dealing with. I am a battle-hardened veteran. It works for me because it is compatible with the kind of person that I am. Again, someone might try putting me with a person closer to my age, but it would not work. I know myself, and I know how I interact with others.
     
    #15 Christiaan, Jul 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2015
  16. Mirko

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    Andrew, I would really encourage you to read through the thread again and to think about the implications of your statement.

    Age is not just a number for a number of reasons as outlined above. For your own protection and well being, think about the potential consequences of you entering into a relationship with someone who is much older than you are. With an attitude of 'age is just a number' you are placing yourself at risk of not being able to read warning signs, and the signs of being taken advantage of.

    Given your age, maybe this is not something for you to worry about, but in the future when you are legally an adult and have consent, this is something to think about and be aware of.
     
  17. Christiaan

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    Show of hands: who waited until after they were 18 to lose their virginity?

    I have my hand raised, but I'm weird. I am a statistical freak. I am an exception. "Age of consent" is the biggest practical joke in our legal system, and people have probably less respect for it than they do for the laws against marijuana consumption.

    Even though this guy is underage, relationships are still things he needs to understand and think about. It might be unethical for him to endanger another man's reputation, but he also needs to know if it could be unhealthy for him. Here in the real world, actual human beings don't spend their teens praying to Jesus and filling their minds with pure and innocent thoughts, except in the minds of people who spend their lives in the daisy-fields of self-delusion.

    Now, I personally think that a person is better off armed with an understanding of how to manage large age-gaps instead of just being told not to get into those relationships. The thing is, I live in the real world. You don't just go buy your partner off the shelf at some "boyfriend store," but you get romantically entangled with people under circumstances that you don't really expect. If all a person knows is statistics and opinions on whether or not an age-gap is a "good thing," then that person will inevitably find himself or herself in such a situation and not know what to do.
     
    #17 Christiaan, Jul 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2015
  18. Taly

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    I'm going to continue my thoughts here.

    As I said; I am attracted to older men. But I understand that age isn't really just a number... no matter how much I like to believe that it is.

    With that said; I think great age-gaps are more likely to become unhealthy and imbalanced rather than not. But I don't think it's a 99% thing as how some people in this thread believe.

    I've been in toxic friendships with people before - and I've had unstable people who were older than me, (no more than about 6 years older; but still too old for me right now) try to come after me in wanting to have a relationship with them, and I knew well enough that I wouldn't have a relationship with them. I have a sense of what it's like to be negatively impacted by someone who is older than me through similarly relationship-like dynamics.

    And I've also seen, and visualized enough of people to know that it is by all means possible that people with a decade apart in age could work very well given the right circumstances. (Again, this is definitely not recommended for anyone that is still somewhat dependent on another - basically people who are around 25 and below) But it is still possible for a healthy, strong relationship to build between people of a greater age-gap.

    On top of this; Mentally, I do NOT feel like a 16 year old, in almost every sense in what this implies.

    So, would I still personally have a relationship with someone older than me right now? Almost absolutely not; unless my life changes dramatically and quickly - and I mean this through either a miraculous, or completely tragic means.

    But would I ever want to have a relationship with someone several years older than me? Probably when I'm out on my own, I will. But I don't believe so now.

    What about a sexual relationship? In 2 years from now when I'm legal, yeah. I wouldn't mind having friends with benefits that are older than me.

    Do I judge anyone if they are young and want to be in a relationship with someone older? I can't tell them they can't; but I would at least try my best to encourage safety because there is often imbalances in power in age-gap relationships.

    ^^ Though, even with all of this said... I've seen dynamics of people in age-gaps before where the younger person is a LOT more ready for the relationship than the older person will ever be. (Since I've seen some mentally unstable adults.)

    I guess what I'm meaning is - I don't think a younger person is going to be scarred or something if they get into a relationship with an older person; it could bring about insecurities and be damaging IF both parties are either not ready, or unhealthy themselves already. But even with this said; there are still some lines to be drawn.

    So that's my stance on the whole thing... Hopefully I don't sound ignorant, stupid, or fluffy. And that what I say makes sense.
     
    #18 Taly, Jul 6, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2015
  19. Andrew99

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    Look everyone I didn't mean it like underage relationships were ok. I was just saying like people who are age of consent if they want to date people 5 to 10 years apart were ok.
     
  20. Christiaan

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    It's not so much whether or not we ought to approve, but we are still trying to figure out how to convince underprivileged youth who have single moms working two or three jobs that they really aren't interested in having a relationship with an older guy who can buy them a nice meal and hook them up with a job.

    I've known guys who were dating boys twice their age when they were 8 years old, and it's invariably related to socioeconomic adversity. One was being abused by his older brother from when he was three years old, and his first consensual relationship was at 8, with a 16 year old, who had to physically protect him from his older brother. There was severe alcoholism and drug-abuse in his family, and they were living in a destitute area that didn't have very good child protective services. The real world is a grimy, occasionally ugly place, mostly because many of us choose to live in a fantasy-world instead of trying to deal effectively with reality. People's deliberate ignorance of this kind of stuff and refusal to discuss it is the reason it continues to happen.

    The reasons some of us end up with older men are as diverse as human nature. The story of how I ended up being involved with my partner is complex and tangled. We were both going through a terrible time. Mutual hardship brought us together, and we ended up in love in spite of our desperate efforts not to become that attached, in a time when we really had to rely on each other.

    The thing is, you don't just go to a store somewhere and buy your life. Your life happens to you, including to my friend, whom I discussed above, who went through that terrible experience. Life just happens.

    Ceteris paribus, I would, at your stage of life, try to find someone near my own age, but you will learn eventually that real life is not so predictable. I would love to live in this wonderful fantasy world that some people carry around in their heads that our decisions are really always that simple. I am just saying, you certainly don't want to go pursuing an older man for misguided reasons. For me, I had to learn what was good for me based on years of hard-won experience. What I strongly suggest doing is starting with more conventional relationships and working outward from there as you learn more about what your needs are.
     
    #20 Christiaan, Jul 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2015