1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

"Learn to Love Yourself"

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Gen, Jul 7, 2015.

  1. Gen

    Gen
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,070
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Nowhere
    It is perfectly fine if some people don't know how to respond to this thread after I share my piece because this is just something that I have wanted to speak on.

    ~~~​

    Self-love is a very popular concept these days. There was a time when most ideas of loving oneself were seen as vain and unsightly, but we are fortunately moving into an era in which people are starting to recognize that people need to find satisfaction within themselves regardless of whether they are adhering to the standards and expectations that society or we might expect of them.

    While telling people to learn to love themselves has become more common, it has become more and more clear that when some people say love they actually mean tolerate. Telling transgender individuals that if they truly loved themselves then they wouldn't seek out hormones and surgery. Simultaneous telling people of plus sizes that are content with themselves if they loved themselves more than they would lose weight; and telling those who do want to lose weight that if they loved themselves more than they would be content with being overweight. Telling people who put effort into grooming, their physique, makeup, beauty, fashion, etc, that they should be happy without spending their time with those things.

    People using the guise of self-love to paint people who put thought into their appearance or make any changes to their bodies as vain and deluded. Or. People simply using it to discourage others from doing things that don't live up to their standards. Such as only telling men that they should make peace with themselves rather than wear makeup and shave body hair, while never making the same comments about the culture of women who do the same.

    Loving yourself is not about looking in the mirror and attempting to convince yourself that you are perfect. Attempting to convince yourself that there is nothing in the world that you would change given the opportunity. It is not about shaming people who don't feel the features or characteristic they were naturally given fit who they are inside. Loving yourself is not thinking that you are above evolution or improvement. It is about convincing yourself that you are worthy. Being worthy includes recognizing that you deserve to have body size that you want. Believing that you deserve to wear clothes that magnify the confidence that was already present.

    Loving yourself is being able to dressing, grooming, shaping, and presenting yourself in whatever way makes you feel the most comfortable. It is believing that you deserve to set aside time to strive to improve upon the beauty that you already have. Believing that you are worthy of being with someone who doesn't look past your weight, race, scars, blemishes, etc, but finds you no less desirable on the outside as on the inside. Learning to love yourself is not listening to people who are already perfectly fine and content with their bodies or identities telling you that you should be content with your weight, acne, scars, hair color, body hair, genital type, chest size, etc.

    We should be past telling people that loving themselves as they are means not putting any effort into their appearance or striving to improve upon themselves both internally and externally. Stop telling people that in order to love themselves they have to be satisfied with features and body parts that conflict with their identities. Consider the maybe the reason why people put effort into their bodies is because they already love themselves and wish to capitalize on the beauty that they already see in themselves.
     
  2. Taly

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Really interesting perspective, I kind of agree. :3

    People should learn to love themselves no matter what; and if whatever they do makes them happy and feel good about themselves in a productive way - then it shouldn't be demeaned into an excuse by other people who think everyone has to fit an ideal version of whatever.

    Loving yourself doesn't mean you're perfect; it means you love yourself because you are yourself; and being perfect isn't the biggest thing ever. And whatever you do to, and with yourself, as you love yourself; is something to further strengthen your love of, and for all.

    Hopefully I'm making sense here. :grin:
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,802
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Far above the clouds, gazing deep below the Earth
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    THIS. This so much. Thank you, Gen, thank you thank you thank you.

    I had exactly this said to me by a person on a support site, after I had explicitly said that were transition not an option I would not doubt to kill myself.

    This is very important. Thank you for bringing it up, Gen.

    EDIT: I have even seen it here on EC, many times.
     
  4. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Beautifully said, Gen. I have such respect for you!

    I would expand *slightly* to add that telling *anyone* whether or how to love *anyone* or anything is just stupid and needs to stop. Whether it's love of yourself, love of your partner, love of an unorthodox path or a potentially unprofitable career. Love is love, and the world is better off with more of it rather than less.

    We need to stop preaching at people telling them who, what, and how to love. Period.
     
  5. Gandee

    Gandee Guest

    Brilliant post, Gen. I agree pretty much with it. I don't like telling people to 'love' themselves. I prefer 'respect'. Before love comes respect, right? By respecting youself, you choose to take care of you, physically and mentally, in whichever way you see fit, as long as it's not self-destructive. A side story, my aunt and my friend once said: "people put on pretty clothes, pretty make up to show respect to others". It might be partly true but that was frankly an annoying and unsettling statement. Shouldn't one just look in the mirror and think:" Damn I look so fine in this"?
     
  6. MysteriousMadam

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2014
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    5 stars (*hug*)
     
  7. Christiaan

    Christiaan Guest

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2012
    Messages:
    745
    Likes Received:
    1
    The thing is, you have to support yourself and not just criticize. Get youself excited about doing well.
     
  8. Posthuman666

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    626
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    America
    Yes.

    Just.Yes.

    This is my exact perspective. Self love is being taught as self tolerance in schools and in social communities. I love myself because I can accept that one day I will be seen as female. Loving myself does not mean to shame myself into hating myself. Love is not hate, and hate is not love.
     
  9. Eveline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2015
    Messages:
    1,082
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    home
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you Gen! fascinating topic and I found your post really interesting. :slight_smile:

    The sad thing is that people fail to realize that our bodies are one of the most important tools of communication that we have under our disposal. A girl uses makeup because doing so leads to a specific response from the surrounding world that she is searching for. Here lies a bit of a conundrum, if a person doesn't make the needed changes in their appearance. The world around them will respond in a way that can go as far as change a person's identity.

    Lets say a person is overweight, people react to these visual cues assuming that the person has self esteem problems or unhealthy habits. Some might try to 'help' them develop healthier eating habits and other will just keep a distance or even see that person as weak and abuse them in some way. The overweight person responds to this negative feedback and either tries to lose weight or starts to develop a negative body image and if the abuse continues might distance themselves from their body and see their body as something foreign to who they are. When people tell that person to just accept their body it is extremely unhelpful because the problem lies in the constant stream of negative feedback about the body. Your body is communicating the wrong message to the people around you and you are suffering for it.

    In the case of people who are trans, this is a very serious problem because people are constantly responding to the visual cues your body sends out that tell them that you are of the opposite sex than the one that you really are. You are wired to respond the world as a person of the opposite sex and when people don't behave as your mind predicts that they will behave the world becomes unpredictable and consequently unsafe for you. You are left with a constant feeling of the world being wrong somehow and eventually your mind disassociates your body as a means to protect yourself from the feeling of uncertainty caused by not being able to predict how others will respond.

    Your body becomes a vessel for your mind and you stop perceiving it as a means of communication, you start observing other people's behavior and learning to see through their eyes instead of your own to navigate the world. You simply stop trusting your natural instincts which seem to be biologically encoded as part of a person's innate gender. Instead, you start basing your behavior purely on experience and on observing others behavior in relation to your own actions. Love of your body never really comes into the equation as your body does not feel as if it is your own, so you have nothing to really love.

    Transitioning reestablishes the connection with your body and when you manage to pass, people start treating you as the correct gender and you start to rely upon your natural instincts again to navigate the world socially. Everything feels right, you feel more alive because of the new found connection and for the first time you are able to predict how people will respond to the visual cues that your body is sending out which makes you feel a part of the society and consequently you start to love the image that your body projects to others.
     
    #9 Eveline, Jul 7, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2015
  10. TigerInATophat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2014
    Messages:
    847
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Great post Gen.

    I have noticed this increasing 'learn to love yourself' idea being used in various ways. For the most part the majority of those you hear saying it seem to be well-meaning enough, if not always thinking it through very well (although simple common sense suggests that saying something like that to a transgender individual must come with a degree of ignorance, even if one doesn't have much knowledge on the subject).

    It also seems to be becoming one of the passive-aggressive flavoured tools of choice for those who want a subtle (read:cowardly) way to put-down just about anyone for anything and get away without consequences because they were: "just being nice/showing concern etc." Instead of telling people to go off themselves, they tell them to go love themselves - no comeback.

    On a similar weight-related note: when I was very underweight owing to digestive issues, I would encounter this from time to time, although not necessarily using those exact words. 'Anorexic' was the main go-to insult, often used in a faux-compassionate way, including by people who were fully aware of my stomach issues. When I would mention that I was actually attempting to GAIN weight, the response was usually either to ignore it in favour of the "You MUST think you are fat and not be eating that's why you'd look like that" explanation, or to turn it on it's head and suggest I should just be happy as I was if I was thin naturally (never mind the fact my focus needed to be more on the crucial health implications before anything secondary like how appearance would be perceived by some random stranger).




    It also plays into the whole: "it's not my problem, get some self-esteem" culture, although that is broader because it also covers belief in one's own abilities as well as body considerations. People are encouraged to believe that if only they loved themselves enough they would be anything, achieve anything, have whatever they want by next Friday with extra ice cream on top. If those things don't materialise then it's: "tough shit, you must not have loved/believed in yourself enough so it's your own fault, thus I don't have to bother sparing compassion on you", without acknowledging any other factors that may play a role. Whilst I do agree that a positive attitude is a great approach to have, it is not a magic wand that changes the realities of the world. It is a falsehood to believe that just having high self-esteem alone will move mountains. It can get you far; it won't get you all the way.
     
    #10 TigerInATophat, Jul 8, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2015
  11. AlexTheGrey

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2014
    Messages:
    438
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    WA, USA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Thanks for this Gen. To be fair, I started reading your post with low expectations. And I'm glad I was wrong. Partly because "learn to love yourself" is such a prickly thing. I have seen it used as both support, and bludgeon in the LGBT community. So thanks for addressing both sides.

    Gandalf, the thing is, the emphasized bit that I've bolded is very open to interpretation, unfortunately. Some call my desire to transition self-destructive. Some call homosexuality self-destructive. Some call being "overweight" self-destructive. This is the fight we are actually fighting, where we want to help other people, but our own ignorance and prejudices are causing us to meddle when we shouldn't be, or describe things in a way that allow us to intervene because the person is harming themselves if we don't.
     
  12. Michael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
    Messages:
    2,602
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So many well meant 'oh, it's for your own good'... So much cowardice, and business grown from lies.

    Long live The Gen....
     
  13. Gen

    Gen
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,070
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Nowhere
    Thanks for the responses.

    I love that many people have brought up the double-edged sword because there is so much truth to it. It reminds me of how many shame the use of makeup and claim that women specifically are beautiful without it. When they aren't actually referring to women without makeup as beautiful. They are referring to women with natural-looking makeup as beautiful. Women should love themselves enough to not wear purple mascara, but don't forget to grab that foundation and cover up those ugly blemishes and wrinkles!

    Additionally, when it is about appearance, it almost always comes from a form of bias. People only claim that you don't love yourself enough when you do something that they don't personally feel you should. When you eat more than they feel you should. When you want to lose weight, but they feel that you look more appealing as you are. For instance, I strongly value health and fitness. I have never been interested in bodybuilding, but I love cardio, toning, etc. I constantly notice men who spend hours in the gym everyday to work on muscles that they are never going to use simply for the sake of being able to show to people how ripped their lower back is, but its the people who groom body hair, wear makeup, care about skin care, hair care, etc, who are lacking self-love. Those are the people who are high maintenance. Those are the people who need to learn to love what nature gave them.

    I love the fact that many of you brought up the "natural" argument because that is truly what inspired this thread. First, it is often overused and completely invalid because nature did not sculpt us from clay. We don't have a natural weight. We don't have a natural acne or skin health. There are so many aspects of our appearances and traits that are not innate. Secondly, romanticizing natural traits is easily the most conceited and heartless mindset to encourage. As if we are all born with completely optimal and able bodies. As if disabilities and deformities don't exist. As if people cannot be born into the wrong bodies. No one was created superior, but we are not all created equal.

    Encourage people to love themselves truly. Do not encourage people to love themselves the way nature made them. Those are two very different things. It is the exact same view as "God doesn't make mistakes". We are all constantly evolving and changing. Yes, we should encourage people to strive to find contentment with themselves, but we should be speaking about our essence. Not shaming people who do have some things that they aren't comfortable with or simply wish to work on.