1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I guess maybe it's called growing up...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by warthog, Jul 24, 2015.

  1. warthog

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2015
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    On the wrong side of the bed
    I don't know how to put this newly born thought in words, but here goes :

    In summary, it was my first "love affair" , and it came after many years of just practically hating myself. I hated wanting to know boys, and one time I was nearly raped at knife point - that's a story for another time - and I just thought it was heavenly retribution for my sinful thoughts. yes that's how bad it got. This guy - my ex - was a godsend after all that shit, and all the feeble half-assed attempts at getting to know girls, I knew he was it. and it was pretty intense and weird but it felt really good to have someone, finally. Now years later and we're apart and I get to sit with myself and really think things through. perhaps it was all in my head? perhaps life is not like that, and you don't really find someone. I'm ok with it, but it just feels melancholy, that I won't feel that thrill, that rush when I see the one I love, when I just hug and squeeze tight and kiss him on his cheek. Maybe life isn't so innocent and beautiful, and I should just move on from this idea entirely. strangely, that's not so bad.... I dunno. it's either growing up or giving up, but there's an up there somewhere.

    Anybody else ok with just saying screw it and let's not ever try that again ?
     
  2. alilnervous

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2015
    Messages:
    223
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mesa
    First of all, I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. That is terrible.

    I definitely get that way alot. My only ex so far broke up with me when she knew I had anxiety and depression whilst alone in a different country. That was the same year she knew I had lost my job and four of my relatives passed away. That feeling is terrible, but also freeing, in a weird way. In a sense I think it's healthy, because to a certain extent, my buddhist leanings tell me that if you are not content being single, no relationship will fill that hole. But then again, it's so nice to feel like someone is there for you.

    Living with a partner or being single are both valid roads, all roads lead to the same place anyway, at the end its all about self-actualization really. I don't know if this is helpful at all.
     
  3. Cedar

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2015
    Messages:
    664
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Out in the country, Ontario
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    First off, I really love your profile pic.

    Second, I'm so sorry you had that experience, nobody deserves such treatment and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

    Lastly, there is no demand that "thou shalt forever be in a relationship, whether you like it or not" and it would be ridiculous if there was one. I suppose it would really depend on your comfort level. If you're happy being single, good for you! If you're happy in a relationship, that's also fine! You shouldn't really force yourself into a relationship if you either: don't feel comfortable, don't feel prepared or you just don't want all that mess. I think the great thing about finding the right partner is that, even though we live in an ugly world, they help us see the beauty in it. I'm sure you'll find someone when it's your time to(whenever you feel ready to give it a try again). I know this sounds dreadfully corny, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'm sure there'd be somebody out there that would be lucky to have you.

    I know I probably sound naive... Personally, I just want some guy that will make me laugh the most, help me when I'm down, wipe my tears when I cry, give me love and support(spoils me with affection would be nice too) and you know what? I'd be happy with that, again, I probably sound highly naive. I feel as though that guy is unattainable to me, it gets me down when I think about it, that's for another thread though or maybe I should just shut up about it. I don't think you should give up on the world though. Perhaps take up some hobby that'll take up your time, something that you enjoy. Try to find interesting groups in your area, get to know some new faces and make some new friends. I get that we all have our bad days but that doesn't mean you should stay that way, nobody deserves to live that way.

    I do not think that your relationship was false, I think it's as valid as anything you might feel and I don't think you should discredit it. I'm sure you've already given this topic much thought though. Finding someone takes effort, you may fall a couple of times... Okay, maybe many, but I think he's out there for you. It would be nice if the perfect man/woman for you just falls out of the sky and plops softly in your lap, like a box of chocolates. Now I don't feel like I'm making sense *sigh* don't mind me, I'm just being crazy lol... Anyways, don't give up on the world, I'm sure it hasn't given up on you. Life isn't always fair but when we have those that care about us and that help us stem the tide, well, it just makes things better. I hope you feel better, feeling down in the dumps is no fun. (*hug*)

    Just work on your own happiness and don't try to think about having relationships, perhaps you'll reconsider your stance at some later time when you feel better? Or perhaps not. It really depends on you, these are your thoughts and feelings we're talking about anyways. They should be respected.
     
  4. warthog

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2015
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    On the wrong side of the bed
    Ok this is going to sound dumb, but I don't know how to quote multiple people in one post.. meh

    Anyway Alilnervous thanks for that, you sound pretty much in the zone where I am, feeling ok with myself and just getting over things, I've been alone most of my life and getting to know him was just a little detour, yes having someone was really nice, but it's not life or death necessary.
    Cedar, thanks, I like Freddie, he's sort of my alterego .
    I'm not obsessed with having a relationship, far from it. by nature I am a very hard person to have a relationship with. it's not because i'm some sort of asshole, and not wanting to blow my own horn, I say that i'm a pretty great guy, if you get to know me. the thing is i'm not very sociable. I know how to talk, and I can tell I charm people and make a good impression every time. But inside I just find people exhausting, so I keep my relationships fairly shallow and only regularly communicate when it's related to work. I always keep very very few friends around me, and as I write this I can say that people I call friends could be counted on the fingers of one hand. That's what made him so special to me, is that he, for the lack of a better word, penetrated all my boundaries and was as close to me as anyone can get. he got to my inner sanctum where nobody ever was - ok this is starting to sound dirty but i'm not making any lewd metaphors promise - and it was beautiful. to think that I would tolerate spending so much time with one person, and to actually sleep in the same room with them, is very strange. Even with the closest of friends, at the end of the day I don't want anyone around, and I just like my alone time.
    What's happening now is that i'm reverting to my old self, and I don't miss it. I've had a pretty different upbringing from anyone I know, and I guess that's what makes it difficult for us to understand each other, so finding groups or whatever is probably out of the question. It's not tragic or anything, but it's a fairly monotonous and boring life. Even when I try to communicate my feelings to someone, it's like I'm speaking another language, I don't feel like i'm human sometimes.
    So back to the old drawing board, I thought I finally found someone of my own species, but that was that, in the end our complete difference was the reason for the deterioration of what is called our relationship, to this point I have no idea what happened, but it's probably silly and the result of being so different. It's heartbreaking, but you're right it shouldn't be discredited, if nothing else I learned a valuable lesson, albeit in a painful way.

    Hugs to both of ya (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  5. happydavid

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2014
    Messages:
    1,617
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    A town near Birmingham England
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm sad that you have had struggles in your life but I hope you will have a awesome future because you seem like an awesome person. I'm here if you need to talk