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What do you think?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Simple Thoughts, Aug 2, 2015.

  1. Simple Thoughts

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    I've been working really hard on all these lyrics, and I'd appreciate some helpful feedback.

    I apologize though if this is just getting annoying for people ^^"

    Anyways...here's my latest write.

    Call it Love

    Verse 1

    This can't be just another night
    No, it feels so right
    And I can see the light
    Oh it shines so bright
    My lips, I keep em tight
    This is my secret, alright
    My soul soarling like a kite
    oh this feels so right
    It cannot be just another night

    Bridge

    What is this feeling?
    Is this light hearted flirtation?
    Why is my pulse racing?
    What do I call this new sensation?

    Chorus

    Call it love
    Call it what you will
    My heart floats on up above
    and I've never felt something so real

    Call it love
    Call it whatever you Like
    My soul soars far above
    and my heartbeat starts to spike

    Verse 2

    I'm his, and his alone
    he's always ringin on my phone
    and I'll worship at his throne
    I used to be unkown
    and I am his to own
    I am his to loan
    he makes me feel so grown
    When he's ringin on my phone
    I am his,
    and his alone

    Bridge 2

    I know this feeling
    This is light hearted flirtation
    and my pulse is racing
    I know what to call this new sensation

    Chorus 2

    Call it love
    Call it what you will
    My heart floats on up above
    and I've never felt something so real

    Call it love
    Call it whatever you Like
    My soul soars far above
    and my heartbeat starts to spike

    Breakdown

    Am I in love?
    oh this has to be love
    Yes, it's love
    What else could it be?

    Chorus

    Call it love
    Call it what you will
    My heart floats on up above
    and I've never felt something so real

    Call it love
    Call it whatever you Like
    My soul soars far above
    and my heartbeat starts to spike



    Please let me know what you think.
     
  2. Purp

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    Nice!!:slight_smile: Like it
     
  3. NervousAsHeck

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    It's decent but as a song writer myself the use of rhyming during the verses is a bit over the top This might be me though and certainly will depend on the style of music you are playing. Personally I prefer a little more freeform, using rhyming where appropriate, concentrating more on the phrasing.balancing between everY other or every 4 lines . To me it makes it feel more natural

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2015 at 05:06 AM ----------

    I'd post one of mine up, which has been very popular but it's copywrited material now. Not that it's published per say. Rather that it's copywrited to my previous band and they have a stake in it.
     
  4. CyanChachki

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    I'm going to be 100% honest and I hope that you take this as constructive and not offensive.

    The lyrics are alright in a sense, but they're also very cliche. The song you wrote reminds me of what I listened to as a teen, back in the late 90's to early 2000's. I also have to agree with NervousAsHeck, there's too much rhyming going on. Try looking up words that somewhat rhyme with the previous word.

    The key to song writing and producing your own music is to build an audience. You have to think about what crowd you're trying to influence and what genre or genres you'll be placed in. After you've gotten that figured out, you need to base your lyrics and melodies on that.
     
  5. NervousAsHeck

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    Another key point, and I'm saying this only For direction not to be insulting etc... I just don't believe in not actually giving helpful advise when asked for a critique. I might be teaching to suck eggs but this is just what is coming across to me from reading the structure of the lyrics

    getting your lines to scan most of the time is critical in most cases... Scat is fine if you can pull it off as the likes of Steven Tyler can, but unless you are planning something very very freeform it's usually a good idea to get a reasonable standard flowing rhythm between the lines of the verses etc. Which on reading I'm just not seeing, especially if you are planning on performing it with a band as you want a groove. Which you can then break for deliberate effect. This is achieved through keeping your lines containing roughly the same number of syllables and broadly with same accenting at least every other line, except where you want to break it up. In a band the way the melody fits in to rest of the instrumentation is just as important as the meaning behind the lyrics themselves which are evocative in your song and obviously coming from your heart. It's only the apparent structure which on the face of it doesn't quite scan. That all said without hearing how they fit into the music it's not completely easy to tell. I can only go on how they appear.
     
  6. NervousAsHeck

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    Another key point, and I'm saying this only For direction not to be insulting etc... I just don't believe in not actually giving helpful advise when asked for a critique. I might be teaching to suck eggs but this is just what is coming across to me from reading the structure of the lyrics

    getting your lines to scan most of the time is critical in most cases... Scat is fine if you can pull it off as the likes of Steven Tyler can, but unless you are planning something very very freeform it's usually a good idea to get a reasonable standard flowing rhythm between the lines of the verses etc. Which on reading I'm just not seeing, especially if you are planning on performing it with a band as you want a groove. Which you can then break for deliberate effect. This is achieved through keeping your lines containing roughly the same number of syllables and broadly with same accenting at least every other line, except where you want to break it up. In a band the way the melody fits in to rest of the instrumentation is just as important as the meaning behind the lyrics themselves which are evocative in your song and obviously coming from your heart. It's only the apparent structure which on the face of it doesn't quite scan. That all said without hearing how they fit into the music it's not completely easy to tell. I can only go on how they appear.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2015 at 05:44 AM ----------

    Yes, finding similar words rather than true rhymes really helps as well, they flow better whilst giving the partial illusion of rhyming. Also for effect you can use what I call anti rhymes which are words which shouldn't go together in this context but just for whatever reason do. It just sits nicely on the ear yet you wouldn't know it just to see them on paper. Anyhow the key part is not forcing them
     
  7. Simple Thoughts

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    Ah well I'll have to show you some of the others at some point.

    I've been playing around with the way I rhyme the words between each of the songs ( except the first two, they are fairly close in structure )


    This one I rhymed every line to a single word because it'd be done like a rap/singing part.


    This particular song is being done from the perspective of one of the characters the album follows and where he's younger, I thought it'd make sense to have his part be done in a semi-rap kinda way because that's a more youthful music genre and gives his character a personality. Does that make sense?

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2015 at 04:40 PM ----------

    Yeah this one hasn't been the easiest one for me to write honestly.

    It's supposed to be a love song, but at the same time there is supposed to be "troublesome" subtext.

    The problem is, that while I'm decent at storytelling and sometimes even subtext, I'm terrible at mushy love songs which is what this needs to be on the surface ;_;

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2015 at 04:43 PM ----------

    Hmmm...you know I haven't actually performed a syllable count on this yet. I have with all the other songs, but this one I guess it just skipped my brain ^^"

    I was in a rush to get this particular song into a "Done" state because like I mentioned earlier I'm not a "Love" song kinda person, but this song is necessary to the overarching story that's playing out between each song -.-'
     
  8. NervousAsHeck

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    Just wrote a long response here and lost it hey hum.

    Certainly counting syllables is vital, however two things to note here are 1) its about the rhythm. So sometimes you can make things work with more or less syllables with rests or mangling words, or even the impression of words if you are the singer. 2) that it is the pattern over multiple lines more than anything. I grew up in the 80s so this was a big hitter at the time, over played and cliches now, but bohemian rhapsody is a classic example or all these things. The lines don't match up precisely in syllables but never the less give the impression of a clear structure... Especially during the 'I see a little....' Section. There are countless others during the 80s though. 90s was more about lyrical simplicity mixed with a lot of floating words and lines, or hip-hop of course, which is obviously for what you said the relevant bit for this song. However before I make brief note on that, I would like to add that floating is often a detractor, unless you have the voice and timing to back it up... Classic example muse... Brilliant. Otherwise you really want to be working to beats or half beats in your timings, allowing of course ample use if vocal silence.

    're hip-hop it s not something I've ever really studied in detail, not being really into that scene, outside of Cyprus hill, beastyboys and some new metal. What I have noticed is that even more so the use of rhythm is of course vital, but it is the precision and care to detail that really makes a good one... Some have it naturally others have to work on it. But again it's the groove.

    On a personal note, I am now a covers/tribute/session player, gotten a little old to start out with a new originals band so not done any serious writing for a while now. Just the odd few to keep my eye in and for personal expression.

    ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2015 at 02:53 AM ----------

    Ps yes I know bo rhap was released in 1976 ( or there or there abouts) it just took on a life of its own during the 80s
     
    #8 NervousAsHeck, Aug 5, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2015
  9. Sepina

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    This is lovely
     
  10. Simple Thoughts

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    That's an interesting perspective. I'm going to have to show you my other songs that lead up to this one at some point, If you wouldn't mind ^^


    This still has to fit a theme of the overall album so it wouldn't necessarily be rapping, but more like a mix between singing and rapping. There are a few songs that do this, but I'm having trouble thinking of anyone/band who do this off the top of my head.

    ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2015 at 09:32 PM ----------

    thank you :slight_smile:
     
  11. CyanChachki

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    You also have to remember that we don't know the melody of the lyrics, so we're purely judging based on grammar, structure and the words alone. Writing songs takes a lot of time and energy but you don't need a specific dateline in order to finish them, which is the plus side of being a lyricist. If it's important to you, then take your time with it. Tweak it here and there, find the right way to make it flow.. hum to yourself when you try to sing it and record little thoughts on what the song can sound like.

    Remember, these are about your feelings but you have to get an audience to connect with your music. Think of things that people can relate to. Think of ways you can empower people to feel good or think about how to get them out of a rough place. If you'd like, I can give you a list of songs that make people feel different emotions if you'd like to check them out. I think it may help you understand the power of emotional influence in music.
     
  12. Simple Thoughts

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    Hmm that might be useful. Do it :slight_smile:

    Yeah I'm aware it's not exactly easy to work with purely just the lyrics because there is supposed to be music involved.

    My problem is that I don't know the first thing about music and while I can hear these songs in my head I don't have the right list of words to relay that information to someone who can make it happen. ^^"
     
  13. CyanChachki

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    Alright, here's a list of a few songs divided into categories:

    Emotion: Happy

    1. Lollipop - MIKA
    2 Happy - Pharrell Williams
    3. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
    4. Walking on Sunshine - Katrina & The Waves
    5. Shut Up and Dance - Walk The Moon

    Emotion - Sad

    1. Nothing To Lose - Billy Talent
    2. Creep - Radiohead
    3. Take Me To Church - Hozier
    4. I Don't Believe You - P!NK
    5. Pieces - Sum 41

    Emotion: Empowering/Motivational

    1. Keep Your Head Up - Andy Grammer
    2. Good Life - OneRepublic
    3. The Climb - Miley Cyrus
    4. Hold On - Good Charlotte
    5. Girls Chase Boys - Ingrid Michaelson

    Emotion: Love

    1. Songbird - Fleetwood Mac
    2. 2 Become 1 - Spice Girls
    3. Dancing in the Moonlight - King Harvest
    4. All Shook Up - Avila
    5. Sir Greendown - Janelle Monae

    Emotion - Mad/Hurt

    1. I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace
    2. Breaking A Habit - Linkin Park
    3. The Reason - Hoobastank
    4. Untitled - Simple Plan
    5. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

    I hope this list helps :slight_smile:
     
  14. Simple Thoughts

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    ooo I love a bunch of the songs on that list x3