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How do shy and awkward people make friends?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by BiKate, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. BiKate

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    So I don't have many friends anymore. I have three or four. One doesn't reply to my messages half the time, expects me to be there for her during any problem she has but never cares about what I'm going through, and lately seems to be drifting away from me. Another only talks to me and hangs out with me mainly because there's nobody better at the time. I've always known this, and I accept it's just the friendship. The third is a good friend, we just don't see each other or talk a lot, but I know she respects me and cares about me. And the fourth friend has been my friend for life. She lives 12 hours away and we don't talk much at all, but we still consider ourselves friends enough to plan a holiday together... She's just more into face to face conversation, so we don't talk a lot.

    Anyway, I want a few more friends. Ones that'll care about me and show as much interest in my life as I do in theirs, and ones that don't want to be friends with my ex and other people that have hurt me.
    I just suck at talking to strangers. I'm shy and have a bit of social anxiety. I never know what to say to make conversation, and I feel like whatever I want to say is stupid. I also have a really weird voice and I get self conscious about it, it makes me not want to talk too much. When I do get the confidence to say anything to some one new, my voice is really quiet and mumbly and I kind of speak too fast sometimes.

    I just started volunteering at an animal shelter once a week for now. There's a few people who I wouldn't mind befriending that volunteer the same day as me, but I just don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to have a conversation with somebody without getting freaked out. People try to talk to me and the conversation dies off really quickly because I'm so awkward and shy.

    Does anybody have any advice or tips on how to have decent conversations when you're shy and awkward, and how to make new friends? Once I've talked to somebody a bit and I know them, the awkwardness is gone, the embarrassment about my voice is gone, and I'm 100% fine with talking. It's just getting to that stage to start with that I have trouble with, all my past friendships have come from meeting people through other friends. I'm not just trying to get friends from the shelter, friends anywhere would be great, but I'm new at the shelter and if I can go in next week feeling a little more confident I might manage to make some new friends out of this.
     
  2. ScaryClosets

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    I'm the same way, and it gets pretty bad to where I can't even order my own food. I can't even speak when someone starts tlaking to me and I just nod most of the time. I smile a lot and can't even open my mouth. When I'm introducing myself to someone, I can't even get the words out to say my name or anything. So, I totally understand. The confidence lacks on my part, so it's pretty hard. Sometimes though, if I catch myself on a positive day, I'll try to talk to someone. Usually I'll compliment someone on something they're wearing, and that gets a conversation going. Or sometimes when someone sees me alone or not so talkative, they try to talk to me. I know how hard it feels, and I'm trying to grow out of my fear as well. Just try your best to smile and compliment. If you give someone a nice impression, they'll really like you. First impression are always the key! Sometimes I'll even just say the simply "Hi", and someone will talk back and then we'll enter a conversation. Trust me, making friends is not so hard. Even if I'm being awkward, I'll end up opening myself to the person after awhile. So I guess just take it slow, and say a simply word like "Hi", or compliment them. I hope this helped a little! Best of luck to you! <33
     
  3. kageshiro

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    For what it's worth, I try to look for some of myself in others, that makes me feel safe
     
  4. BiKate

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    Thank you to both of you, actually does help :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lyana

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    Hi, BiKate!

    First off I want to say that it's really cool that you're volunteering. It's obviously a great and rewarding thing to do, and it's putting yourself out there to meet new people, which isn't always easy.

    I'm shy, too, though I don't have social anxiety. I'm an introvert and feel more comfortable alone or in small, close-knit groups rather than a whole lot of people. So when I'm in a room full of people I don't know, I'll usually spot a couple of people who aren't surrounded by other people and who look approachable. If I catch their eye, I'll smile at them, and if I've picked right, they'll smile back. Baby steps.
    And that's the story of how I met my best friend of now five years. By being cute and awkward.

    So maybe at the shelter (which is not exactly a social gathering where people walk around in groups of 20), you can pick out someone who seems nice and approachable, and maybe not too loud if that intimidates you. Greet them whenever you see them ("Hi! How was your weekend?" on Monday morning, then "Hey. Everything okay?" later during the day, etc), and do it with a smile. A smile goes a long way. It makes you approachable. Even when you're not talking to someone, if they step into the room, raise your head, make eye contact, and smile.

    I think if you work on your self-esteem, it could help a bit. You don't have any issues with your voice when you're with someone you know. But you're aware of your faults, so you can work on speaking a little slower and louder. If someone asks you to repeat yourself, don't panic. This happens all the time to everyone. Just laugh and do as they ask. It means they're interested in knowing what you were saying!
    Try not to worry too much about what other people are thinking.

    Ask questions. Be interested in what they're saying. If there's a blank in the conversation, ask a question. You can start with common ground ("How long have you been working here?" "How old is this dog?" "How often do people adopt an animal from the shelter?") and move on to other things ("Do you live close by?" "What made you want to volunteer?" "Do you know if this coffee place is any good?").
    Most people are actually interesting, even if they don't realize it themselves. Maybe one of your coworkers went on a trip to Dubai earlier this month. Maybe one of them plays in a group. Plenty of room to ask questions.
    If all else fails, hey, you can always talk about the weather.


    Listen to them. People love to be listened to. And besides, that's how you get to know someone. But listen actively -- you don't have to just sit still with a blank expression. React, interrupt with a question (when they're telling you a story, not when they're making a speech to a dozen people), laugh when it's funny, say, "Oh, that reminds me of when THIS happened to me..."
    Shy people tend to do very well at listening, because we relax when the pressure is off us and someone else is doing the talking. Make the most of it. Being relaxed is the goal here.

    You might not meet your best friend at the shelter. But even just getting to hold conversations with them will be a huge step, so I hope you can do it. And hey, if you get along well with them, you can grab a coffee together and make the transition to friendship in a non-working envronment.
     
  6. BiKate

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    Thank you heaps from this, very helpful advice!! This should help alot to work on my issues, thank you :slight_smile:
     
  7. The Wallflower

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    Maybe we are siblings... this is exactly me ;-;

    As a shy and awkward person, I can honestly give you only one answer to that question...


    I have no f*ckin' idea. Just listen to Lyana and the others, and you should be fine. :lol:
     
    #7 The Wallflower, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
  8. NervousAsHeck

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    This is a tough one to advise one and I really feel for you , I am the same, yet have made friends I think perhaps through others making time for me in later years.... When I am not online I am painfully shy unless I have had a drink. I too have a voice I am embarrassed about unless I am singing and even then I am ok at backing but not lead.

    So in so far as is possible I do understand where you are coming from. I think the hard but is getting started, once you have a couple of friends to be with, it can roll from there. You can kind of be the quiet one who says things as you think of them , but who can fade into the background a little in between times. I have done this many a time, just sat back and listening because of personal indecision to speak or just not wanting to interrupt etc.

    I am however awful when it comes to speaking to strangers in social context. Professionally I am fine, it's the social small talk etc I find very awkward. It is tough when you feel you want to, really want to but something inside wont let you, and you start to worry about how you will come across and worry that they'll say something nasty , or that they just wouldn't like you to do so and eventually you take the easy road and stay silent, stay in your seat and perhaps watch, perhaps not, upset with yourself.

    I don't know if that equates with yourself, but that's me

    Eta: I wish I had an easy answer for you.
     
    #8 NervousAsHeck, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
  9. angeluscrzy

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    All of that is me as well. Social anxiety painfully shy. Somehow I manage at my job, that just seems like something I HAVE to do, but to be approached casually even I find myself wondering why they're talking to me and kinda wishing they would leave. Eye contact is almost physically painful, and god forbid I find the person attractive cuz then I REALLY can't look at them or anything.
     
  10. Randomcloud

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    In my experience, the best thing is to join clubs/groups with a hobby as a common interest. I joined a community band and made a lot of good friends there- most are very shy and introverted but start talking about some composer or whatever and they can be chatting for ages. It's much easier to get to know people this way cause you have a lot of stuff you know you can start a casual conversation with rather than awkward icebreakers
     
    #10 Randomcloud, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
  11. Jeffreycominout

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    I am like that too. I'll get so freaked out b/c I won't understand what they're talking and look like i understand. Anyways, be yourself, be optimistic, and be confident to ask questions when necessary or just comment on something. Hope that helped. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Ardi

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    This is pretty much what I go for, if you are able to find things in common, then it makes it so much easier to talk with them. :slight_smile:

    I understand your problem; I'm very shy, so I'm almost never the first person to talk, but if you can find similarities and/or common ground, it makes me feel so much more comfortable with the person, so you just need to check for that. ^^
     
  13. BrokenRecord

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    Well, I usually try to be myself, and that seems to do the trick most of the time.
     
  14. BiKate

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    You guys are all great!! I wish I lived in a little Empty Closets village! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    But seriously, thanks to you all I'm actually feeling a little more confident about talking to strangers and hopefully finding some decent friends eventually! :slight_smile:
     
  15. bookreader

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    That'll be cool. A little EC village and we all coming together to talk about stuff.