Have you ever contemplated suicide because you are/were bullied?

I still have diary fragments from when I was 12-13. My family had moved to a different country when I was 10, and I didn't fit in. I was miserable and lonely, and the bullying only intensified those feelings.

I'm stunned when I re-read those pages, because they're full of vitriolic anger and hurt. Not self-hatred: I never believed I deserved any of it. I never believed I was ugly, stupid, or a freak. But I hated these people so much and couldn't understand why they wouldn't leave me alone. And, yes, in those pages it's made very clear that I contemplated suicide several times.

I was a kid. Even though I know I would never have done it, could never have done it even if I'd tried, it makes me feel sick to read those pages.

 

I did, especially in primary school because of bullying. In high school, I wasn't as much bullied as I was ignored which also contributed a lot.

 

I have contemplated suicide but not due to bullying. I was mentally ill and had poor and inaccurate perceptions of myself and society

 

Yes. Once when I was 13/14 because my brother was being an ass. Once when I was 16 because a group of kids in my lunch were awful. Once when I was 17/18 because, again, my brother was being an ass.

 

Being bullied growing up has never made me contemplate about committing suicide. I always thought I would just be okay being miserable growing up. I was always told as a kid and recently that there is something always to live for and when things get me down I just try to remember that.

 

I've had a few rough patches in life but I think bullying (maybe it was abuse, I can't really tell) accounted for about 50% of it.

 

I've made two attempts, but neither were connected to bullying.

 

No.

Very early on, when I was picked on, I became a bully. It started several years of me being a total hellion to everybody, but it stopped the bullying and gave me my power high.

As for feeling or becoming suicidal due to bullying. No. I refuse to give anybody the satisfaction of knowing they took me out, especially if they think little or nothing of me. It's inconceivable.

 

Foreword: I don't want to sound like I'm trying to gain sympathy with this post, I'm just trying to put you in my shoes and give you a tour of my past life experiences.

Yes, I've contemplated suicide a few times, as I was bullied very heavily as a child. I've gotten bullied by people at school, I've gotten bullied by my sister at home, by people I didn't even know online, even by people in the institutions I've been put in. These are the things that I've had to go through over the years:

• Betrayal by friends
• Getting knocked cold by former friends
• Almost being stabbed with scissors by someone I didn't know
• Being pushed down stairs
• Getting beat up for standing at my locker
• Getting harmed by my sadistic sister
• Getting harassed for liking a girl
• Being body checked by someone for no reason
• Death threats for the smallest of things
• Getting homophobic remarks when I never mentioned being bisexual once to the bully
• Getting taunts consisting of me being sexually attracted to my doll when I never mentioned being object sexual once to the bully

It was really hard for me to make this list, as it has unearthed some negative feelings I had tried to bury a long time ago.

Of course, with a track record like that, you'd probably think I'd consider suicide at least once, and you'd be right. I've tried to not make it very known on this site before now, but I've suffered from some of the worst examples of bullying one can think of, as evidenced by the list above. I have since become a strong advocate for bullying prevention. I believe that no one, and I mean no one should have to go through what I've endured in my past.

The way I cope with such experiences nowadays is through my writing. A big part of one of my books is the fact that the characters have to go through or have gone through some of the things that I had gone through in my lifetime, as well as other things that I know other people can relate to, such as sexual assault. Ever since I started writing this particular story, I've found that my depression and suicidal thoughts have been occurring less and less, but sometimes I do slip into my PTSD, it just happens a lot less these days.

This was a particularly emotionally troublesome post to make, and I hope you learned something new about me.

 

I've thought about it occasionally. I've had urges to jump off high places — the calling of the void. Sometimes I'm hesitant to use sharp knives because I might cut my wrists and so on. I wouldn't ever go through with it because I just love living too much and I'm calm and composed to think things through.

 

Yes, but not because of bullying.

The main reasons have been having a very hard time making money, and having periods where I could not afford dental or health-care, a car, or even OK clothes, and had to worry about things like the power getting cut off, or being able to buy groceries.

That kind of stress can make a person feel like a worthless failure, especially as the years go by, and as a sensitive creative sort who has always had boring jobs, these thoughts have often made me think of suicide, and still sometimes do, though not as badly.

There's been very few times where I've ever feel very secure about the future, and in the US, there is no real safety net...I think this leads a lot of people towards such thoughts; indeed, the suicide rate rose during the recession.

I often wish I lived in a country with a better standard of living, like Finland, or Sweden. When my friend from Finland visited (Simo), he was amazed how poor it was here. America is not like what they show on TV; they mainly show more wealthy people.

Anyway, not being able to afford the basics, and having teeth that hurt, and needing glasses but having no way to afford them, and a lot of other things can very much erode away one's sense of esteem, in a very visceral way; one feels like they don't matter, literally.

If I ever lay down on the rail-road tracks to die, this will be why: I have given up.

 

Yes, but bullying wasn't involved.

---------- Post added 8th Aug 2015 at 05:03 PM ----------

Glad to know I'm not alone with "the calling of the void", since it still plagues me.

 

I've been bullied a couple times before, but that never really triggered suicidal feelings. My suicidal feelings were often a result of my depression, which actually has improved a lot since then. It certainly is not as bad as it used to be.

 

I was bullied all throughout my school days. But it contributed little to nothing to my suicidal issues. I've been suicidal because as a result of being bullied, I became a bully myself.

 

I estimate that bullying contributed to around 75% of my suicidal feelings. Thankfully, I've never been bullied since I went to college. No matter how sick I am, I don't want to be a bully. But I won't deny that I'm perfectly happy to hurt someone that really deserves it.

 

I was bullied up until a certain point in the 4th grade, and it did contribute to my thoughts. Sometimes just seeing all my friends doing something and me not being able to do it because "Mom said 'no'" and being required to say yes ma'am/sir to every person older than me made me feel like I was worthless, and that there was nothing I could do to be worthy of being relinquished those burdens. My poor grades also contributed to thoughts. I remember there was some more to it, I just can't quite remember it all.

And here's something funny: Some of my thoughts were out of pure curiosity. Like what if I just did that? I could answer some of the greatest questions some of the greatest minds have scratched their heads over. But at the same time, there's no turning back, and what's more is I wouldn't be able to tell people what the answers are. And by that point, the same curiosity that got me into that train of thought has taken me out of it by going "and there's much more in the world to discover, perhaps you'll find something nobody else has before."

I'll think about it, sure. But I'm way too curious of a cat to go that route. There would have to be something that really takes me out of myself to have me commit suicide, I mean I'd have to be WAY irrational. It's nearly happened before, and that's why I'm on the path I'm on.

 

I've considered and attempted it and it's definitely a place I never want to be in again.

 

I used to have this attitude back in 2nd/3rd grade, this was when my "bullied years" are worst. They would punch my arm randomly, hit my back when I turn back, wrestle me down when "they feel like doing it", etc. But I never thought of suiciding or hurting myself, but rather hurt the bullies badly. No, not the "if you hit me, I'll hit you back" kind of thing, it's more like "if you hit me again, then be ready to be hurt... BADLY." I once planned on poisoning my bully. It didnt happen not because of I felt bad of going to do it but because things didnt go as I planned (I think it is Divine Intervention). Dont worry guys, I am completely a different person now

 

Many times.