"You can't change people" - agree or disagree?

I think you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. I want my mother to stop drinking so much, and I've tried for years, but she doesn't care--she says she'll stop but then she never does, she goes right back to it that same day.

That's not to say I don't think people can change by influence of others--my stepmother used to be entirely offensive and unaccepting of gay people out of ignorance, but she eventually came around. But yeah, sometimes it's a lost cause, sometimes it's not.

 

Agreed, for me personally I think age has a lot to do with it - I'll never be able to change the way parents view the world, but I myself have definitely been influenced and changed by other people.

 

There's some truth behind this statement. You can change people, as long as they're also willing to do it. But it's not easy to make people admit some of their flaws and it's even harder to make them accept help.
Even if they want to change, it's certainly not an easy task. I do think we have a ''core'' that is very hard to change, but over time we can work better with our own flaws and slowly make them less of an obstacle to our life goals.

Now your second question is hard. I can't really tell when is the time to end a difficult relationship. In a way, if this person is the closest to you right now, then you should try to work this out. However, you can't maintain a relationship if you're the only part interested in trying. If the other person is not making the slightest effort and is only harming you, then you should really just let go.

 

You can't change people: they have to change themselves. You can attempt to steer them in the right direction but it's their own responsibility to make a positive change and commit to it otherwise no matter what you do to help them it'll just be temporary.

 

You can't force a person to change themselves, they have to do it on their own.

 

I disagree, maybe on the inside they will always be themselves but people wear down i know because i have been. I would be a completely different person if it weren't for some people. Its sad to think about but i think you can change people even to a point of breaking maybe.:tears:

 

I think if a person can change depends on the person themselves.
Some people may be "past saving" and others may be simply downright unwilling to change and ignore anything you have to say.

I was raised to be an ignorant bigot, but over time the words of those I had hurt eventually triggered my conscience, and I gradually made a full "180 degree turn" in terms of morality. I stopped and questioned my actions based on their feedback. That may have never happened without outside influence.

 

A person can change themselves (possibly with your help, if they want it).

You cannot change them.

Never go into a relationship thinking, "ok, this can work...I just have to work on this one little thing about them, and once that change is made, we're in the clear". I've seen so many relationships fail based on that kind of thinking. Accept the person as they are...if you can accept them, love them, live with them just as they are, it can work. If not, find someone else.

 

Some people are influenced by others, some (like myself) wouldn't change for anyone at all.


Like most things, this depends on the person.

 

You can change a happy person into a Sad person or vice versa

 

I change on my own will. If there is a quality that I really like and someone doesn't, I won't change. However, I've been changed by the help of people before. Ultimately, it's your own decision to change or not, but people could influence that decision.

 

If I may...

Some folks are too stubborn and, instead of losing face or giving up pride, will keep being the way they are, unless something forces them otherwise. Basically, if you still have your basic necessities at the end of the day, why change? You can still get by like that.

But you throw in a life-changing moment, like driving drunk and crashing into a ditch, or being thrown in jail. You really can't get out of this, so you're forced to, perhaps for once in your life, to reevaluate yourself, to actually look at yourself.

Da feelz​

Spoiler

My mother was a prime example of this, years ago when she was engaging in heavy drugs. She never had to change her ways, and why?

Mommy and daddy would bail her out each time she was arrested, would take their car and vanish for days/weeks, needed a ride home, after being gone for days/weeks, from some shady neighborhood. She would be sent to rehabilitation centers, which were like a vacation for my mother. Free meals, your laundry is done for you, you have extracurricular activities, you have talent and karaoke shows, and so forth. And yes I know this sounds excessive, but my grandparents bought into the whole 'the more esteemed the center, the better the results will be'.

When she got out, she'd relapse. My mother didn't have to take care of anybody but herself, so any and all money she had went to 'fun things'... and my mother liked getting high. At best, she experienced euphoria. At worst, she'd go right back to the country club rehab center.

This went on for years. And you know what finally knocked my mother on her ass, forcing her to, finally, give up the hard drugs?

It wasn't 'please'.
It wasn't rehab.
It wasn't her children.
It wasn't her parents.
It wasn't being arrested.
It wasn't losing respect.

It was stepping away. Allowing my mother to sit in jail, and not funding her. No phone calls, no letters, no visitations. For once she couldn't get away, nor to her drugs. All she had was reality, and she did not like what she saw. Nothing.

My mother broke and found God. While we still have our issues, I can see she'd shed off that person she was years ago. And if finding God is what keeps her from destroying herself, so be it. Now if only he could work on her attitude towards me.

However, there are some folks who will never change... but that is another post for another day...

 

If people change, they do on their own, no one can force anyone to do anything unless it is to do something physically.
One could tell someone what they do not want to hear and hate, but need; or what they want to hear, but need to not be told. No matter what they will get more extreme on whatever it was about.

 

I think fundamentally no one can change the person themselves, but their opinions you might. I believe our personality is the collective of all our opinions about something or someone. Change their opinions and you might change the person.

It also means that the burden is also on the burden of the person, as MetalRice said:

 

Right. The person has to want to change. However, sometimes they don't see the impact they have on another person or multiple people, or they find a way to rationalize it, that they don't want to change. Then, some personality styles and proclivities are hard wired. I'd say that, most of the time, you cannot change people and that's mostly referring to what you think they should be doing or thinking, or what society at large thinks they should be doing or thinking. But, if a person wants to change themselves to suit their own purposes, they'll do that way more easily.

 

If we're going down the science route, about 50% of personality comes from genes, and the other around 50% comes from unshared environment. An almost negligible percentage (what little is left), comes from shared environment.

I'm interpreting this as, if a person has the will to change, you could influence that change by influencing their environment, but only up to a certain amount--the rest is up to heritability, and their own perceptions. Their own perceptions will have much more say than what you could possibly do.

Of course, that's just a personality, the relatively enduring traits that influence how someone interacts in an environment. It's a facet of behavior--arguably, situational factors are more important. Like social facilitation, where people tend to do better on simple tasks when there's a crowd cheering them on.

...and now I'm just rambling. I'm going to stop, since I'm getting off topic.

 

Argh, forget about my above post! You probably don't need me spouting science at you--you might prefer actual relationship advice!

While it's difficult, and often impossible to change someone fundamentally (like, say, personality), you can help change, or reinterpret people's perceptions. Perceptions--the feelings, the thoughts, understanding--how you interpret a situation or a person.

If you can't sit down and talk with your family, and understand the situation from both viewpoints, it may be easier to change your own perceptions. This is sometimes done through a perception check.

Example: Tim and Todd are going to the movies. Todd told Tim that he'd pick Tim up at Tim's house at 7:00. Todd arrives late, at 8:30.

Perception Check (remember to be calm and neutral):
Step 1--the facts.) Tim notes that Todd picked him up late.
Step 2--the interpretations.) Todd could have been held up at work; Todd could have been stuck in traffic; Todd's car might have broke down
Step 3--ask for clarification.) "Could you tell me why you were late?"

Other than re-thinking and conversation, proximity and reciprocity often works too. People tend to like other people more the longer they are around them, and tend to reciprocate similar feelings over time. The classic romance cliche of "guy confesses to girl, and when she says no, starts too hang around her and confess more feelings=girl eventually loves guy back" actually has truth in it.

Just keep trying, and I hope it works out

 

The change is totally in the willingness of the person to change. Some are just so mired in hate and hostility it has become a habit and it will never change.
As for ending relationships, depending on the degree, you never give up but you may have to distance yourself from this person for your own sanity. How do you feel after talking to them or visiting them? If they are dragging you down with them, you need to seriously scale back your involvement with this person. It may seem difficult at first but you will realize the benefits after a while.