So yesterday after a few weeks of travelling I had a 20 hour journey home due to cancelled flights and other complications. As it got later and later, I became exhausted but I still couldn't sleep. Late in the night on one of my flights I wrote a free form poem on what I think depression feels like. It's not really fancy and it doesn't have any coherent structure, but let me know what you think. Hello When it's cold I dig myself a deep hole Like hibernation to extend my perpetual stagnation I fight the devil on my own Hit a one two to his oesophagus But it's me who's choking People don't respect my boundaries So I push them away Press me up against a wall Watch as my shadow takes a fall When I was a kid, I had chubby cheeks and fair blonde hair Now my ribs are on show and I don't have much to share I'm a wide eyed paranoid android Trying to stand out Yet trying to fit in But wanting to sink below I can have so much energy But when I don't it's like I'm a prisoner of my own selection I'm searching for the gasp and release But I feel it's just a fictional piece Fearful of acceptance Rejection is familiar It's cold, clammy, dirty and harsh But it holds no surprises So I push and shove Cut and tear Breaking foundations in a silent struggle Feels like each step I take is backwards But it's neither smooth nor rough It's just heavy Like swimming through gravy But the problem isn't real It's all in my head Those heart palpitations, those illicit facilitations Fraught with anxiety But it's just a fragment of my wild imagination I'm just a pretty white boy I don't have any problems I like late nights and ambient music and drugs and damp weather Rain dripping off neon signs hanging off bistro bars in cobbled alleyways In theory I'm a dreamer but I can't materialise my moments When I wake up tomorrow, today will be yesterday and tomorrow will be tomorrow again And so it goes on Fuck my contradictions I'm a dark star One who could shine, but who chooses not to If I was free, would I still be me?
Is this what you'd think depression would feel like, or did you experience it yourself. The poem is really good. As someone who's struggled with depression this poem makes me feel alot better that there are other people I can relate to.
What if the problem isn't fictional. What if it isn't in your head but rather is in front of your head. What if paranoid android is trying his best to make you his best friend. That song is awesome. Maybe it is a metaphor. But then, what feels so unreal to the point it eats you up inside out, could that be as elusive as a metaphor. What is a metaphor if it is full of clarity. There's a lot of questions. I don't know any of their answer. Do you (?) You know, a dark star- a black hole, is unthinkably heavy therefore has extremely tremendous gravity to the point it's own light could not escape its gravity. Not just its light, also its neighbor stars, are sucked into hollow unknown blackness, and before they reached the "event horizon", gravity tores it to pieces, smashes and spills out every bit of the stars's matters. A dark star is a dangerous metaphor.
As someone who's been hospitalized for depression and is still struggling with it, this did make me feel better. It's good to know that there's other people dealing with this too.
I thought your poem was stunning. I love how it has the quality of being written frantically, sort of in a haphazard way. I picked some of the parts that stuck with me. I adore the terminology here. I feel like the experience of remaining stagnate fits perfectly. This is my favorite part of the poem. The way I read it, the jarring change of rhythm suited well for me. The juxtaposition of the idea that depression is "all in your head" with the actual physical, tangible symptoms spoke to me. Your imagery is on-point here. The picture you painted for me is exactly what I would imagine if depression were a place. Its like you described how I feel at times. It was beautiful.
