I have been trying to write how I feel and what I think about instead of more destructive methods of dealing with my own emotional pain. Some of them I feel like sharing and some I keep to myself. But all of them I keep, so that I may look back on them in read about myself. I had shared the story of my coming out in a previous post. I felt I wanted to share another about depression I wrote last night as maybe someone feels the same way or can relate from it. Let me know what you think. "Dot Dot Dot I suffer from depression. It's something I can't control and something I fear. It's this all consuming darkness that takes control of my brain and shoves the real me aside. Sometimes its mild and other times, more often times, it devours me. Tonight I'm being eaten alive. This invisible beast that inhabits my brain won't let me sleep. It picks at every little insecurity and weakness and amplifies it to the loudest setting so that I can't ignore it. It makes me wonder why I endure all this pain, why I let myself be tortured by who I really am. Why I don't just grab the nearest knife and stab my way free from this parasite. After all the only way to kill a parasite is to kill the host. But I haven't done that. And I don't know why. It won't allow me to do that. It beats the shit out of me until I'm just on the verge of giving up, of taking a final breath and then it revives me just long enough to do it all again. I sit in my dark room alone and look up at the clock that says it's 3 hours into the early morning. I flick the lighter that I'm holding in my hand and watch the flame flicker in the breeze from my ceiling fan. Just like me it's fighting a beast. The fan blows the flame in all directions, letting it get to the point where the flame is just on the verge of burning out then it revives it just long enough to do it all again. I look down at the candle on my desk and use the struggling flame of my lighter to ignite the wick. It's warm glow fills the room with comfort. The flame of the candle is different from the flame of the lighter. It's movement is not so desperate. It's sways back and forth in a much smoother, graceful manner. It seems much stronger, as if it is more powerful than its beast, the fan. But why? The fan did not grow any weaker than before. Then I realize, this is because it is protected. It is not a lone flame on its own. It is surrounded. Surrounded by glass, deflecting the beast from getting straight through to it. It still flickers, but it doesn't seem as if it will die out at any moment. This is similar to people. Depression is a vicious beast, that will do its best to drown you right up until the last moment, where it will let you up long enough to get a breath and start the cycle over again. When you are alone with no barrier, no protection it is easy for the beast to play with you like a lion plays with its food. But if you let those around you in and allow them to work as your glass it will be much harder for the beast to reach you. And just like the candle it will make it much easier to stay alive even if you are still slightly flickering. But even though I realize this, I'm unable to find those who will be my glass. I'm still a lonely flickering flame struggling to keep from burning out. No matter how badly I want to scream out for help I find myself unable to. As if my mouth has been nailed shut. Hopefully, some day I will find someone that is able to help me pry the nails out and I can let them in. "
