Help me!

Hi,

First, you're in the right place to talk about your concerns, and second, I completely understand what you're feeling. It's got to be an incredibly scary thought that you might have attraction to guys. I don't think anyone who has first felt that has welcomed it or even been willing to accept it.

In order to try to be helpful to you, I need to explain some things. I'm not making any assumptions about you or about your sexual orientation, but I think this might help you at least understand the experiences that many people go through who are feeling what you are feeling.

First, sexuality isn't either-or; only a small percentage of the population is 100% gay or 100% straight. Most people fall toward one end of the spectrum or the other. So it is possible that you have some attraction to guys but a lot more attraction to girls.

Second, you have a conscious mind and an unconscious mind. They are completely disconnected from one another. Your unconscious is driven by thoughts and feelings that are outside of your conscious control. Many things in your unconscious are so deep down that you, literally, have absolutely no idea they are there. Some of these things are hardwired and unchangeable (like sexual orientation), and some are products of patterning early in life and in childhood that can and do change over time.

This is where it gets complicated: When we are talking about sexual arousal, that is something that comes mostly from the unconscious. Whatever drives our sexual attraction, arouses us when we masturbate, and defines our sexual orientation is coming from the unconscious. Now... our conscious mind can reject what the unconscious gives us, but we can't change the hardwired aspects of what is in our unconscious mind.

In your case, what seems most likely is that watching gay porn awakened something that was already there, and already hardwired in your unconscious. And actually, that's very, very common: Most people who are bisexual or gay went along assuming they were straight for a pretty long time. Some didn't actually get past their conscious rejection of being gay until their 30s or 40s or later. And, like you, most people, as the thoughts first came to them, flatly rejected it. Here's why:

Any time we process any loss, such as a loved one dying, not getting somethign we really, really wanted, expected, and were sure we were going to get -- or in this case, losing the perception that you are straight -- there are stages we go through in processing that loss. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So that's why people talk about denial.

Now... if you'd watched the gay porn one time, got off to it, and then continued watching straight porn and had no thoughts of the gay porn, that would be one thing. But the fact that it keeps coming back up in your mind, even when you're watching straight porn, tells us that there's something going on here, that your unconscious is feeling a pretty strong arousal to the idea of sex between guys.

This doesn't definitively mean you're gay, but it does indicate pretty strongly that you have some sort of sexual attraction toward guys... otherwise the feelings wouldn't keep popping back up.

Also, it is very, very common during the early stages of coming to understand yourself that there's a strong rejection and revulsion about the idea of being gay. Just about every gay and bisexual guy has experienced that. Very commonly, what will happen is you'll masturbate, you'll be really into it and super excited and aroused... and then, as soon as the orgasm happens, you'll feel horrible, gross, revulsed, and disgusted. This is where the conflict between the conscious and unconscious mind is happening. While you're masturbating, unconscious has a lot of control on the arousal. Once you orgasm, conscious mind kicks back in.

So as much as I'd like to be able to reassure you that you're 100% straight, from what you have said, the evidence doesn't point that way. You can watch all the straight porn you want, but it sounds like your unconscious is feeling stronger arousal to men than to women. And if that's the case, it's a hardwired aspect of who you are, and pretending it isn't happening, wishing it away, or trying to change it won't help.

One suggestion I can offer: Give up the porn entirely, at least for a month. Masturbate without porn (or pics, or any other external stimulus) and in separate sessions, think about guys, then about girls, and then don't give any conscious thought to either and see where your mind takes you. The images that come from fantasizing, particularly when you don't consciously think about it, are coming mostly from your unconscious, and are a pretty good indicator of where your sexual orientation lies.

I hope you'll stick around because I know how terrifying even considering this can be. And that's what this community is for. If you do turn out to be gay or bisexual, then most everyone here has been through what you're feeling, and we're all here to help, to talk about it, and to support you.

It should also be clear there's no agenda: If you turn out to be totally straight, everyone here will support that as well. The best we can offer you is honest information so you can figure it out for yourself.