Help me revise my college essay!

[sdc91]

Hey EC!

I'm in the middle of applying to schools. I wrote an essay that follows that prompt:

Tell us about an experience which, at the time, really felt like "the end of the world" -- but had it not happened, you would not be who you are today. Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative.

I wrote about my coming out experience, since it fits the prompt pretty well. I'm not too keen on letting friends and family edit it, so I'm turning to you guys. I know that a lot of you love to write, so if you could help me out by editing the essay and making sure that I'm addressing the prompt correctly, I'd appreciate it SO much.

If you're interested, just post and I can send the essay via PM, or if you'd prefer to use Track Changes on Word, I can upload it to box.net and let you download the .doc file.

Thanks a lot!

[biisme]

I'll read it.

[MyStIcAl WoNdEr]

You are very courageous. i have to write a similar essay for a scholarship. I want to write rreeeaaalllyyy bad about being in the closet and all of the things I'm dealing with but i'm so afraid! I'd love to read it!

I'll have a go at it.

[AeonToy]

if you want, i can help out a little bit... :/ but sometimes i can get a little carried away. just tell me what you want me to do

[Gerry]

I'll read it if you'd like. As an English major, maybe I'd be some help. Let me know.

[Paul_UK]

Sorry but I have had to delete the access info for the essay as it contains an email address which clearly violates the security stuff in the Notices box at the top of the page.

Why not just copy/paste the text into the thread or zip the word file and attach that here?

[biisme]

It actually doesn't have my revisions on it. My revisions were saved as a separate document.

[sdc91]

A different one than the one that you had comments on? I downloaded yours, changed mine, and uploaded the new one.

[biisme]

Ohh.....I see....haha...never mind! *sheepish again*

[kevinx519]

great essay! i enjoyed how you tied in some knowledge from On Death and Dying. i do think you need to evoke more of the emotions you felt during the time though. it seems a bit anticlimactic. its like the problems presented and its fixed. when you talk about not displaying signs of depression, i think you should link more to your inner struggle. you really want the admissions officers to feel what you felt. i do enjoy the touches of humor here and there, though. the conclusion kinda doesnt do it for me either. it kinda seems a bit cliche. maybe evoke some touch of insight this experience has brought you and how you can apply it to everyday life. maybe talk about how you know others cant change their view of you but you can change how you view yourself. something of that sort. hope this helps at least a little. =)

[sdc91]

Kevin!!!!! Haven't seen you in a while.

Thanks for the comments. I'll take everything into consideration when I do one final revision tonight.

[sdc91]

(Double post, sorry)

I finished revising it with your help, and I used it for MIT and Harvard. Thanks so much! It's all uploaded and out of my hands now. I'll let you guys know of the decisions come April.

Happy new year!