How do you deal with homophobia from your family pre-coming out?

I try to keep calm when situations like these come up and I let others do the talking if the subject is about lgbt+ people.
If I get asked something I agree with the others members of the family (it's some kind of fake homophobia).
Of course, sometimes I want to tell them but think things through, other times I hate everybody in my family (i know it is a tough word but that's just what i sometimes feel) and do not want to participate in family activities or help anyone (selfish, right?)
All in all, I just survive every day somehow, and try to avoid anything gay related. If something concerning gays comes up, I sometimes blush, get the "oh shit" feeling and my heart starts racing, but I try not to make others notice, as they are extremely homophobic. So, I avoid.

 

My family and I differed in our views on how to treat lgbt+ persons. My father was nasty to the out and about while I condemned them but still saw them as people... Wonder why??? I was quiet to the homophobia unless I was discussing it with my father, we both took a stance that such persons should have remained chaste and lived a life seeking god. He took it a bit further and I just went with it to avoid suspicions. As time went on, I began asking questions that kinda came off as jokes but brought up serious issues. He began asking where these questions came from and had a harder time answering them. When I came out to him, he said it all made sense to him then where these questions came from. He's still struggling quite a bit but he's getting there. How to deal with homophobia before coming out? Don't buy it. These crazy religious bastards have a real hard time answering for their crap once you're out and call them on it.

 

I deal with it by not dealing with it. You can show a jester how to entertain the queens court but does that mean they'll do it. You can only day your part and how your family or whoever reacts is how they react. You can only control your actions.. but kudos on actually getting the definition of queer right and mentally mind fucking her XD. Sorry I hope that doesn't offend you.(!)(!)(!)

 

Honestly the best thing I can suggest is to.. not come out to them, in fact, avoid the subject as much as physically possible, unless you're financially independent from them and at full liberty to no longer give a shit what they think of you. Being gay, and dealing with a family that's anti gay, that also knows your gay, just isn't worth the grief, trust me on that.

 

Interesting thing how my family isn't religious (ex communist country) but rather agnostic/atheistic, and they still hate gays. So, religion isn't always the worst thing - it's the people who misinterprate religion that are. It's just that my nation is traditionally against homosexuals and the like so that's that. I have nothing against religion in any way. It's the people that get on my nerves.

My father is the worst in my place. He believes homosexuals will bring down our country and civilisation. As I said, I avoid him when he talks about that. So I agree with the most that posted here.

 

THIS. I have had the exact same discussion with my own mother on the topic of homosexuality before and she always has an excuse. I tell her "homosexuality has been well-documented in nature" and she'll just come back with "but it's not natural" (I swear she's not even listening when I try to explain that) or I'll tell her "it's not about sex for gay people, it's about who they love" and she'll throw up some bullshit about "Well, Jehovah made man and women to reproduce" (She's a staunch J. Witness, unfortunately, so it's more than one type of crazy around here). I tell her "What about people who are sterile and can't reproduce?" and she'll say "But man has a penis and women a vagina, they're designed that way", and don't even get me started on when she says it's a lifestyle choice...

IT IS LIKE BEATING MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL. :bang: And she doesn't even know I'm a transguy!

So basically I've just taken to not even talking about it. I won't say a damn thing, because it is completely pointless. That's how I've had to take to dealing with homophobia.

And this post came out a lot more rant-y than I intended. Oops.

 

i try Yo not worry about the haters Were all human just because we got a different presence the. Others don't mean we should be humiliated were gay were not animals we want love just like everyone else that's why I haven't came out to my uncle because he is very homophobic Its horrible I wish you nothing but the best!

 

Family is meant to love and accept you, but tbh in my experience families barely even know each other as from a young teen I stopped telling them things and as I realised I wasn't straight I hid away more and more things about myself due to the blatant homophobia they all show.

I think it's good the OP challenged his sisters views and hopefully she will learn to be more accepting.

After that, I would say forget about it. You can waste too much of your life worrying about the problems people have with theirs. If your family wants to be bigoted then that's their choice but they will be lonelier for it. You should in the end ignore it, be proud of who you are and live a life that makes you a good and happy person.

=) because your free to be who you want to be.

 

I just gotta take it. If I got visably offended, my parents would figure out that I support lgbt rights, then get really mad at me. In my house, good things don't happen when my parents get mad especially when it's about religion related stuff such as this.
The worst bit is I can't stand up to them like everyone says I should. It's like they raised me to fear them, and it pains me to say this but they've done a good job at that.

 

I dealt with it with many of my neutrals 'huh-huh', 'okay' or 'yeah, sure you are right' , until they realized how useless it was to try to lecture me in anything : From politics to sex, pretty much anything you could think of... I can't remember talking to them beyond the unavoidable, I knew we were as different as day and night. I never fueled nor condemned it, I just refused to engage on any conversation at all. Silence and avoidance can speak volumes, and besides it's better for your throat, ears, brain and blood pressure.

I was never interested on educating them, I knew they were beyond any hope and that's why I never bothered. They were also never the kind who would want to put their own beliefs to test : They just wanted to impose them on you, and they were more than capable to get violent and blow your ears by shouting, so it wasn't safe back then. Come to think of it, it's still quite unsafe even to be around many of them. Most of people never change, they only get worse, but the ones who have changed see now why I went so quiet as they raised the subject, and they were the first ones who got my trust as I came out, so it's all good... A few people can (and will) change, it's just a question of time... Which you need to give to them. It's hard for adults to take a teenager or young person seriously, no matter how good or reasonable your words are, it's just the way it is...

However I have had countless arguments with acquaintances or friends.

 

Thankfully my own family isn't too homophobic, but when they do say things that aren't quite right, I just kind of give them the benefit of the doubt.

By that I mean, I may disagree or say nothing, but I just keep in mind that if they knew I wasn't straight in the future, they would put more of an effort in to understand LGBT+ issues and to be less homophobic, and me just being there and them knowing would help them to do that.

In a sense I just say "that's the ignorant them talking" and not denying that they would be nicer and have nicer opinions given the right knowledge and understanding.

I think that's an important mindset with everyone actually. There is no excuse for violence or causing someone psychological harm for their gender identity or orientation, but viewing homophobic people as having potential to be understanding is really the only way to make progress as a society. Being strictly combative does nothing if we don't also try to teach people.

 

I correct them where possible. With my parents, there's a certain point to which they'll just sigh and brush it off. After that point, I shut my mouth because I don't want anything serious to kick off.

 

Is your sister older or younger? Either way could it be that she is using an immature technique of causing a confrontation about sexuality in an attempt to get you to come out to her. If she has suspicions maybe based on evidence -like the way you go red when someone says gay- or your careless internet history etc. then it wouldn't be unusual for her to try and persuade you to tell her. I know from experience that when somebody who cares about you finds out you're keeping a secret like that, they can feel betrayed or rejected.

I wish I could say I used to deal with it better but I didn't. I just used to pretend I didn't hear it but if I could offer my past self advice I'd say challenge it wherever it happens and whoever is doing it.

---------- Post added 8th Mar 2016 at 11:09 PM ----------

It must be a lifestyle choice - otherwise god must be wrong.

(Supportive tongue in cheek comment - not trying to start a holy war :eusa_naug)

 

I am so sorry to hear of your experiences, it is heartbreaking. I think my family always knew I was gay even when I refused to accept it. Given their ages and upbringing, my parents were pretty good ( it probably helped that I was the youngest, and in one way or another, all my siblings had presented my parents with, uh, "challenges". By the time they got to my coming out their reaction was pretty much "....and is there anything else you need to tell us?, No? OK"). At the time I did not realise how lucky I was.

 

You just hit the nail in the head with describing how I feel every time someone I know whose said a homophobic thing in the past (both my parents included) talks about LGBT people.

I literally in my mind am screaming "No, change the damn subject," and the verbal attacks that ensue are sometimes something that you're not really ready to outright just tolerate. It's like being silently whipped and you don't recover for hours. I used to be so scared to slip up or seem offended. And I myself, try to avoid starting conversations with LGBT topics to people I know are homophobes.

I even used to be so scared to defend LGBT people when homophobes bring them up, but slowly I have started to, and I haven't done it from an emotional perspective, I've just pretended that I've read facts about why LGBT people aren't bad after all and then I try to show my support as casually as I can; I have basically pretended to be just a casual ally who knows a thing or two about LGBT rights, hoping that I could use this cover to educate some homophobes.

It's unfortunate, but sometimes you just gotta act. Especially if your parents are homophobic and are supporting you financially. Then there's no question about it tbh.

 

I didn't see much of the way of LGB phobia in my family. I would suspect that they would not be sympathetic to T folks because they wouldn't understand, but they wouldn't be virulent about it. They would just find it kind of eye opening.

My parents and my extended family had bigger issues to worry about. There were also a good few single people among their siblings and their cousins, and people within the family were generally respectful enough not to question, pressure, or make assumptions about these relatives, even though they might have thought one thing or another about the single ones in their minds.

 

With my family its difficult. I play the "straight game" really well. I also play the "homophobe" card with them to key them from suspecting anything.

My dad and his side of the family are extremely are anti-LGBT. My Mom's side is somewhat anti-LGBT. My Sister is pro-LGBT, but I'm not going to come out to her.

I guess I'm in a constant of running and hiding.