Saw this in today's paper in a column by Carolyn Hax and it kind of resonated with me as excellent advice that might help some folks here. Going to compress it a bit to save space and typing but still aim to get the point across....Hope you like. Q: ....How do I stop making myself believe that if I bring up a problem or say how I'm feeling, people will judge me for it? A: The most difficult part of this process might be on the one you're more comfortable addressing with the help of a skilled therapist. You don't "stop making yourself believe" that people will judge you for stating a problem. People do judge! It's a fact, so envisioning a bond of trust with the world that it will never treat you harshly, and make it ever safe for you to stand up for yourself, is unrealistic. This, though, is easy to "make yourself believe": People may judge, but their liking you is just not as important as your being true to yourself. In fact, being liked is meaningless without being your true self; otherwise people like your act, not you. Buying into the idea that upsetting people sometimes is unavoidable, even healthy, can fortify you through difficult conversations. People's reactions to your truth are how you sort the right people - for you - from the wrong ones. You'll learn who will listen to you and respect your needs and feelings; who will disregard your needs in carrying on with doing whatever they want; and who will be faultlessly kind and respectful in deciding you're not for them. So, if you can't even say, "I'm too tired to go out tonight," without drawing criticism from your mate, then yes, that will be upsetting, but it's information that's essential to your judging whether this is a healthy relationship for you. When you see firsthand that upsetting someone doesn't collapse the sky, buying into the "bring it on" mindset becomes a much less frightening leap.
