Self Acceptance-How you know when you've reached it

I'm not sure, I'm not quite there yet (I think). I think you know that you're at least at a good level of self-acceptance when you are totally comfortable being open about yourself (safety of the situation/context you're in taken into consideration). I don't think self-acceptance is a clear cut destination, really. It's more of a process than a tangible thing sometimes.

 

Rather than post a very long story, you can check out "My Story..." thread in the Coming Out section. I also agree with mackenziesr, it is (was) more of a process than a tangible thing for me.

 

I agree with mackenziesr to an extent; each moment of self-acceptance will be followed by another, one in which you will understand yourself better. You may accept yourself at a particular point, but you will accept yourself even more in the future upon thinking and learning. But I think there is a point at which accepting your sexuality is tangible and final. But then your perception of self-acceptance and how you go about it changes in nature.

At the beginning, the challenge is often to accept the realities of your gender and/or sexuality in very simple terms. For some, it's a simple revelation that takes calm reflection to come to terms with and for some it's no problem at all. A lot of people on EC write about timidly whispering "I'm gay" or "I'm a girl" to themselves. It might become firmer, then eventually exuberant and proud. After that, that sense of excitement might lessen as it becomes more normal to you. Each is a step towards self-acceptance and each will feel rewarding and comforting. And often the success is so exhilarating that sexuality might become the biggest part of your identity during the period in which you adjust to your identity. Even though that self-acceptance may have a final, seemingly tangible point, it's likely you'll find that it's not enough.

Self-acceptance will then have to branch out. You begin to piece the acceptance of your gender or sexuality together with the rest of your personality. For LGBT+ people, the search for identity is sometimes consumed for some time by the task of accepting gender and sexual identity. But that is only a small part of your sense of self and it ceases to be sufficient to celebrate merely your sexuality. Self-acceptance involves incorporating your sexuality and gender into a holistic sense of identity. Accepting yourself in that narrower sense is a good thing, but it's not the end of the issue; finding a mature sense of self in which that is significant but not overwhelming part is what I would say is the most important. That holistic identity is part of the journey towards self-acceptance, but it is fortunately always indefinite and indeterminable.

TL;DR: You'll often find self-acceptance in two stages. In the first, you reach it with a clear end goal but with a sense of having plateaued. In the other, you diversify what you mean by self-acceptance and you can never finish that process. The first is necessary for the second, but the second is probably the more important.

Also, apologies about not including a personal story. I'm awful at them.

 

These are fantastic responses!

Self acceptance is a continued journey. One day I accept that I am gay, the next I am comfortable coming out to others, and todays journey is focused on eliminating the remnants of internalized homophobia. I wonder what will be next.........

 

Mostly, I think, when you stop asking questions like "how do I know when I've reached self-acceptance?" When you reach the point where you're just living your life and no longer thinking about your <whatever is was that made you uncomfortable before>, you have reached complete self-acceptance.

But as others have pointed out, it can be a continuing journey for some...I know that for me *what* I am accepting shifts from decade to decade. Is the topic du decade/year/month my bisexuality? Having a same-sex partner? Being out as a queer woman? The fact that I desire men as well? The fact that this desire is becoming strong enough to be a significant distraction? Guilt over these desires, given that I love my partner? Guilt over these desires, given that our society considers monogamy the paragon of virtue in a relationship, and considers women with such desires to be devalued as sluts? The fact that I have multiple loves? The desire for a less monogamous relationship than I currently have?

There are many phases, and each year brings its new insights, developments, progress, and problems.

So while overall self-acceptance is perhaps unattainable (at least for more than a year or two), I think any one issue of self-acceptance can be overcome. For instance, if left to my own devices, I struggle not one whit with the mere fact that I'm bisexual, or that I am out as a queer woman. I am at total peace with these. Some of the later stuff in my laundry list above, I do still struggle with.

 

When I matured and wised up to the fact these feelings never went away. Plain and simple. Hard to explain but it's one of those "you just know" feelings.

 

^
My thoughts exactly...

It's not something that really has a definitive 'end' in my opinion; it just sort of happens and you carry on with your life.

 

I'd say this. I'd like to add that you'll really know when you feel it.