Did you ever think it would be easy to ignore your sexuality/gender identity?

Yeah I tried for 10 years. It didn't work.

 

I tried very hard to change my sexuality/attractions and even when I didn't want to change it anymore (because it was starting to make me miserable fighting against it), my mind still tried to do it for me. Ignoring it or trying to change it doesn't work.

Now my gender is coming into play, and I know that no matter how much I try to deny it, it's not going to go away.

I owe myself the very basic authenticity to understand and accept myself for who I am and not try to ignore it or change it anymore, and it took a very long time to realize that.

 

I never tried to ignore my sexuality, but I've wrangled with the whole gender business for a while and certainly tried to tamp that one down into the back of my mind where it wouldn't make a mess of things. But I'm realising now that I don't have to do that!

I'm a lot happier when I'm not trying to work against myself. For all its trials and tribulations, living the way I actually want to is so much better than...not. I'd not want to make myself another way, and I very much doubt I could even if I tried.

 

Once I understood better what "transgender" meant, and what it meant for me, I didn't think it would be easy to ignore. But I did think, for a little while, that I might be able to be at peace with myself while still presenting as male to the world. In the end though, I'd still feel split in two. These days in public around people I don't know too well, that's really how I feel, though I try not to think about it. And while it's hard NOT to think about it, I have gotten much better at not letting it get me down.

 

You know, I was almost successful for all this time but I don't think it's ever meant to be. I had myself convinced that if I just avoided women enough, was mean enough to other women, and always had a boyfriend I could be straight by default. Never minding that I've never loved nor been interested in any of the guys I've been with.

Then I got sick of all the effort it took to lie.

 

Yea I did for 2 years and then I was like ok Andrew cmon you're gay you only like guys!

 

Yes, I did. I thought that being bisexual, I could hide it so much easier but it really, truly was not that easy. Every time I saw a woman (mind you, this is long before I came out as transgender) I couldn't voice that feeling due to the fact that no one knew how I felt.

 

Yup I did for years wasn't gay not me dated girls had sex but no matter what always thought of guys made myself so feared people wouldn't bother me let alone question my sexuality. The hand full of guys I was with well its wonder were they with me cause they just wanted to be protected or just were like me and knew i wasnt telling anyone who knows but finally decided to be me and its still way hard to fit in. Can't find gay friends, I'm a gay man living a str8 life

 

Yeah. After I broke up with my first boyfriend... I was totally obsessed with girls. This lasted around one year.

For some reason, I thought it was extremely unlikely that I could be bisexual. I told myself that the main reason I had sexual thoughts involving guys, is because I'm some crazy pervert.

Sometimes I was rather concerned with proving my heterosexuality. I would even make jokes about going gay, so it was usually difficult to pick up on my denial.

When I finally accepted my bisexuality, I was temporarily totally obsessed with guys, and then it balanced out.

 

Yeah, I thought it would ignore my sexuality, it was not. I tried to repress that side of me up until about a year ago. Not accepting yourself, in my experience, has caused a lot of problems with your feelings of self worth and self-esteem. Be your self, love your self!

 

Never, EVER, take "reparative" therapy. It cannot "fix" anything. I thought the same way you did, that I could beat it; ignore it; suppress it. I was wrong, and I wasted 10 years.

Do not make my mistakes.

-The Seeker

 

yeah i pretty easily accepted that i was attracted to women but accepting that i wasn't attracted to men took time... for a long time i tried to convince myself i was bisexual and just had a strong preference for women.

 

Yep! Supress! Supress!

Then I reached a breaking point.

 

This. Actually I said this exact line to my mom about a week ago when a family member told my mom she thought I would go back to dating girls again. "Uhhh no, doesn't work that way."

I'll admit, there are aspects of my life that were definitely easier when I was "straight" to my friends. Being the token gay guy in a group of straight friends can be difficult and the jokes can be annoying at times. But on the whole I feel so much better. You don't have to hide the fact that you're checking out the hot bartender. You can freely admit to coworkers about dating a guy, and that lets you build stronger relationships because others will trust you more. When people can peak into your soul, you build a stronger relationship.

There's an interesting novel called Openly Straight where a gay teen who's out moves to a new city and re-invents himself as straight so he can feel like "one of the guys" again. It's a rather interesting novel - very well written - and it illustrates a lot of the problems of trying to come off as straight when you're not.

 

Sexuality? No, not really. Once I realized I liked men and women, I was kind of happy to be honest. If I was heterosexual, that'd be fine, since it is the majority. I probably wouldn't give it much thought, if I was straight.

Would my answer be different, if I were homosexual? I believe it would be, and for a variety of reasons, but since I'm not homosexual, it really isn't worth diving into here.

Now the being transgender, that one is a bit rough. I believe I could deal with it, because ignoring it is impossible since I've already acknowledged it, and if I had not years ago then I would have eventually. I consider myself pretty resilient, so handling that is a feasible belief to have. However, it would keep me at a certain level, one far below what I could should be, and that is unacceptable. I deserve to be at my finest, as right now I'm only at my best, and situating my appearance would be the final piece to the I'M FUCKIN' AWESOME puzzle.

That said, I've read and heard arguments that, sexuality can be overcome. It's a means of getting your attention, according to some religious circles, so that you'll turn to a higher power. Of course, this opens up a very sensitive and passionate debate which, honestly, is something you'll have to decide on for yourself. Because everybody here could tell you, don't do it, don't try and change, and if you still want to change, you'll probably have to experience the process before you settle down and accept yourself.

I will say this though...

Ignoring who and what you are will, ultimately, lead you to ruin. Admitting every aspect, acknowledging every layer, knowing every piece, good or bad, is how you grow. Not only in strength, but in character and refinement. Use what you have, what you feel and perceive, and do what you can, how you can. When you begin to do this, you'll start to become the individual who can take better control of their life, who will efficiently handle their environment. So, if you are gay, or whatever sexuality, go with it -- don't shy away, or else you'll remain in the same pit you're in now.

If you want to see the light, you have to climb out. Otherwise, you'll be blind to the life you deserve.

 

At 16 I realized I was bisexual, and was immediately at peace with that. I never experienced guilt or shame over this mere fact. It was empowering and positive.

At 19 I met my current partner...by 20-21 it was pretty clear we had a long-term interest and commitment to one another. At 23 we made this formal in a commitment ceremony. It was at *this* time that I thought we were capable of simply ignoring our sexuality (we are both bisexual).

And it *was* easy for a while. We would see attractive guys and just appreciate the view. Sure there was desire; but we were committed to each other; we loved each other; we didn't *need* men. We bonded further over the concept of being able to survive without men...only needing us.

But just like L/G people who marry the opposite sex, the desire for what we did not have grew stronger over 20 or so years of our relationship; not because we didn't want what we did have, but because we didn't have *all* of what we wanted...we were not able to meet all of each other's needs. This was disconcerting, because we'd never viewed men as a need before...just a desire at best. Now we were becoming aware of what felt like a *need*, and one that neither of us can satisfy in the other.

So yeah, we thought it would be easy for a time. But we now realize it's not easy at all. Maybe not even possible...at least not without a *lot* of long term misery and likely post-menopausal regret (I harbor this notion, perhaps more denial, that at menopause, this sexual desire for men will go away, perhaps along with the rest of my sexual desire...the regret will be even deeper if I reach that point still monogamous and it doesn't go away).

 

You cannot hide your gender presentation...

You can hide your true self identification gender if you aren't out. And that's the hard part. Being trapped in a closet as everyone knows.

 

I guess in the beginning when I realized I liked girls, I was convinced I could somehow ignore that. Especially since I was interested in guys too. But gradually it became clear that I'm much more into girls than into guys anyway, & it wasn't too hard to accept it. I was at peace with it after the first few months.

 

Heavens, no. My sexuality is what makes me who I am. to ignore something that is part of me would leave a void needing to be filled by none other than the thing I'm ignoring about myself. It would create a vicious cycle in my psyche and drive me mad. I don't like the feeling of bottling up my thoughts and emotions. It hurts inside when I do so.