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looking for positive criticism and positive suggestions

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by BlakeHarmony, Jan 8, 2009.

  1. BlakeHarmony

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    looking for positive criticism and suggestions

    In ELA, we have a class period every week to write whatever we want, it doesn't matter as long as we write and hand in one of the pieces for a conference before the end of the month or so. This is a poem that I'm thinking of handing in, as the title states, I'm just looking to improve it (normally I'd ask my dad to look over it but that would be weird... even though he knows I'm gay=p)...
    Any comments would be helpful!



    Denied Scout's Honour

    the scorching sensation of every innocent touch
    the unknown impacts of a friendly smile
    my chained heart pounds
    in a chest constricted with impossibility

    little insecurities reflected in her poise
    needlessly obscuring her personality
    loyal friend
    accepting heart
    wild spirit
    curious mind
    honourable intentions
    natural beauty
    flow through each moment

    her green eyes reflecting my own
    the hope within them denied
    and replaced with resignation and frustration
    with the ever present intangibility
    and with outward denial
    that cloud every moment of my hearts desire
     
    #1 BlakeHarmony, Jan 8, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2009
  2. Mickey

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    That is a very nice poem! Wow! You have a great talent.
     
  3. Bunny

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    I'm not a very good judge of poetry, but that's pretty awesome (and sweet <3).
     
  4. Blaz

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    Not bad. I'd suggest a few line breaks and punctuation here and there for effect. Example(You don't have to follow it, just for ideas):

    Denied Scout's Honour

    the scorching sensation of every innocent touch;
    the unknown impacts of a friendly smile.
    my chained heart pounds-
    in a chest constricted with impossibility.

    little insecurities reflected in her poise,
    needlessly obscuring her personality

    loyal friend

    accepting heart

    wild spirit

    curious mind

    honourable intentions

    natural beauty

    -flow through each moment-

    her green eyes reflecting my own-
    the hope within them denied
    and replaced with resignation and frustration
    with the ever present intangibility,
    and with outward denial-

    -that cloud every moment of my hearts desire. . .
     
  5. BlakeHarmony

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    That makes it look/feel so much better... I have always had difficulty with punctuation in poems so I typically use spacing to that effect but I really like what you've done. The punctuation really works too, that's basically exactly how it sounded/felt to me.
    Thank you all so much!
     
    #5 BlakeHarmony, Jan 9, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2009
  6. BlakeHarmony

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    So, I went for my conference (you hand in one thing and he talks to you individually, that's where he does his teaching) and he told me that he liked the middle but that the poem didn't make any sense, Scout is a nickname of the girl I like, and I can understand him not getting that part, but come on, the rest of it? He was like, I would hesitate to speculate that there are issues in the relationship... Does it make sense to you guys?
     
  7. littledinosaurs

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    sounds like forbidden unintended love.