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| Chit Chat General discussion of topics of interest to LGBT people of all ages. |
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8th Jan 2009, 08:13 PM
| #1 |
| EC Addict Full Member   Gender: Female Orientation: queer Out Status: friends, parents, sibs, (nearly) anyone who asks Location: Calgary Posts: 895 Join Date: Jun 2008 |  looking for positive criticism and suggestions In ELA, we have a class period every week to write whatever we want, it doesn't matter as long as we write and hand in one of the pieces for a conference before the end of the month or so. This is a poem that I'm thinking of handing in, as the title states, I'm just looking to improve it (normally I'd ask my dad to look over it but that would be weird... even though he knows I'm gay=p)... Any comments would be helpful! Denied Scout's Honour the scorching sensation of every innocent touch the unknown impacts of a friendly smile my chained heart pounds in a chest constricted with impossibility little insecurities reflected in her poise needlessly obscuring her personality loyal friend accepting heart wild spirit curious mind honourable intentions natural beauty flow through each moment her green eyes reflecting my own the hope within them denied and replaced with resignation and frustration with the ever present intangibility and with outward denial that cloud every moment of my hearts desire
__________________ Let's eat, Grandpa. Let's eat Grandpa. Punctuation saves lives! "I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion" Henry David Thoreau Last edited by BlakeHarmony; 8th Jan 2009 at 08:25 PM.. |
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8th Jan 2009, 08:51 PM
| #2 |
| Older and bolder! Full Member  Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Massachusetts Age: 50 Posts: 1,775 Join Date: Aug 2008 | Re: looking for positive criticism and positive suggestions That is a very nice poem! Wow! You have a great talent.
__________________ We don't choose to be gay...we're CHOSEN!  |
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8th Jan 2009, 08:58 PM
| #3 |
| EC Addict Full Member   Gender: Male Orientation: Boys <3 Out Status: if they would only ask Location: Canada~ Age: 18 Posts: 430 Join Date: Oct 2008 | Re: looking for positive criticism and positive suggestions I'm not a very good judge of poetry, but that's pretty awesome (and sweet <3). |
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8th Jan 2009, 11:24 PM
| #4 |
| Banned  Gender: Male Orientation: Gay but curious. Out Status: 1 person :) Location: California Posts: 474 Join Date: Jan 2008 | Re: looking for positive criticism and positive suggestions Not bad. I'd suggest a few line breaks and punctuation here and there for effect. Example(You don't have to follow it, just for ideas): Denied Scout's Honour the scorching sensation of every innocent touch; the unknown impacts of a friendly smile. my chained heart pounds- in a chest constricted with impossibility. little insecurities reflected in her poise, needlessly obscuring her personality loyal friend accepting heart wild spirit curious mind honourable intentions natural beauty -flow through each moment- her green eyes reflecting my own- the hope within them denied and replaced with resignation and frustration with the ever present intangibility, and with outward denial- -that cloud every moment of my hearts desire. . . |
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9th Jan 2009, 05:22 AM
| #5 | |
| EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: queer Out Status: friends, parents, sibs, (nearly) anyone who asks Location: Calgary Posts: 895 Join Date: Jun 2008 | Re: looking for positive criticism and positive suggestions Quote:
That makes it look/feel so much better... I have always had difficulty with punctuation in poems so I typically use spacing to that effect but I really like what you've done. The punctuation really works too, that's basically exactly how it sounded/felt to me. Thank you all so much!
__________________ Let's eat, Grandpa. Let's eat Grandpa. Punctuation saves lives! "I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion" Henry David Thoreau Last edited by BlakeHarmony; 9th Jan 2009 at 05:29 AM.. | |
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13th Jan 2009, 01:01 PM
| #6 |
| EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: queer Out Status: friends, parents, sibs, (nearly) anyone who asks Location: Calgary Posts: 895 Join Date: Jun 2008 | Re: looking for positive criticism and positive suggestions So, I went for my conference (you hand in one thing and he talks to you individually, that's where he does his teaching) and he told me that he liked the middle but that the poem didn't make any sense, Scout is a nickname of the girl I like, and I can understand him not getting that part, but come on, the rest of it? He was like, I would hesitate to speculate that there are issues in the relationship... Does it make sense to you guys?
__________________ Let's eat, Grandpa. Let's eat Grandpa. Punctuation saves lives! "I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion" Henry David Thoreau |
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13th Jan 2009, 02:48 PM
| #7 |
| J'essaie de Parler Français! :] Full Member  Gender: Garçon Orientation: Bisexuel Location: Nouvelle-Angleterre. Age: 21 Posts: 2,351 Join Date: Sep 2008 | Re: looking for positive criticism and positive suggestions sounds like forbidden unintended love.
__________________ Âllo Là  |
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