Have you discussed dying with your family?

Aussie, it will probably not come as a surprise to you to learn that I have discussed these matters in some detail. I have very specific personal requests and instructions. I also have a will.

Right now, I'm reading a book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on the whole subject of death and dying and one of the things she encouraged was open dialogue.

 

In this family, if you get terminally sick, you had best hope you have a wife or kids to take care of you. If not, you had best have the financial means to secure the care, because there is a tendency to let people die off and quickly, because we don't like to waste the money -- because it could go to those left behind. Also, this family, with some exceptions, is pretty cowardly about accepting responsibility for the dying, because it takes away from their lives.

We've discussed death before, but you're pretty much on your own, unless somebody steps up to bat. It's hard to tell where the selfishness ends and the being harshly practical begins, because medical bills are only a temporary debt for this family. And it is because we don't prolong a life. This is one reason that a lot of the elderly men in the family, save up a lot money, because they know that.

Funerals are up to the individual dying. If you have one planned, you had best have the money to fund it. Otherwise, you're getting a very basic one. Wills are often private, and only involve those who would be mentioned in them, and sometimes not (as I discovered about a year ago with my great aunt) until you're called in by legal representatives.

Organ donation is up to the individual. To my knowledge, there isn't a universal stance this family takes. Me, personally, I'm not an organ donor. It's crossed my mind a few times, but it's very low on my totem pole of priorities right now.

 

We haven't really discussed death, at least not in depth. Though I think a discussion is definitely something that should happen- an open, frank conversation about what we want in case of illness, what we want when we pass, and in terms of a funeral and whatnot. I've been thinking about this issue a bit more lately as well, both prompted personally and by a few books I've been reading about medical care and what different people value and want at the end of their lives, or when diagnosed with terminal illness.

It's not an easy topic to open up to of course. It's clearly something inevitable that happens in life, but there's this habit (with a lot of people I know actually, friends and relatives and others), of avoiding it like it's some far off foreign thing that we might never have to experience, if we're lucky..but unfortunately that's nothing more than wishful thinking.

But I personally believe discussing it and being "prepared" for it in a sense is needed. It's just difficult to find a time to bring it up, and isn't exactly a light friendly conversation at the dinner table at the end of the day. The vast majority of my family tends to be very respectful and supportive of each other when death does occur, though. There are usually very well planned, respectful funerals done for loved ones who have passed as well. From what I see, whether or not other relatives of my family have discussed the topic of death and terminal illness with each other, if either of the two do occur many, many relatives would come together and support each other, and the family member themselves.

 

I lived with a family member who was terminally ill right from the age of 4 until their passing when I was 21. Occasionally they'd discuss what they'd like to happen after their death, and what could happen in terms of the family dynamics but it never went further than that. I never gave it much thought back then because this person was always in my life and naturally, never expected any different growing up.

After their passing we'd ensured to have them cremated as they'd previously requested but the changes within the family they thought would happen, didn't. Other than this, we haven't really discussed death or dying within the family.

 

Sometimes I feel like we talk about little else in my family. My Mother died about three years ago, my Father a couple months ago. My Mother was given three months to live about twenty years before she succumbed (she was a tough old broad) so it's been a sort of constant subtext to our family life. In a weird way that has been a blessing--it helped us not take things for granted. I remember about a year before she passed my Mother sitting me down and saying "when the time comes your Father and brother won't want to let me go and your sisters will just go along, I need you to make them let me go." It was an awful responsibility but I'm proud that she entrusted it to me.

 

I don't really talk about it with my family. When it does come up they assure me that they won't die soon. The liars. They probably will, just for saying that.

 

I have life insurance and all that set up for myself and I don't really have anything of value... I did tell my family DNR if I'm in a longterm coma or have lost brain activity or whatnot... I don't think they believe me, though, so I told a close friend of mine about it as well. I've been to tons of funerals and don't really care about them, so I'd rather everyone just light a candle for me instead... I think it would be wonderful to have my friends light floating lanterns for me, on the sea or in the sky, instead of a funeral, but I'll be gone, so I guess it's not really up to me. *shrugs*

 

Yes, I have older parents and a brother who cannot take care of himself. It comes up on a monthly basis. I think about if my parents died and the burden of taking care of my brother would fall on me. My dad has said he wants me to move into their house and take care of my brother. Not sure if that is what I want. Then again, if I could get out of this rat-hole of a house, I wouldn't mind it. The ceiling is slightly bowing in spots and has several bumps.

 

This reminds me that I need to update my organ donor status. (For some reason, I may or may not be registered. Something is up with the paper work.)

Anyway, I do not currently have enough assets to warrant a will. I've made it clear that I do not want to be buried. Humans are created with organic matter. They should be returned to organic matter and recycle into the environment. This coffin-epidemic is reeking havoc on our ecosystems and we are undoubtedly going to have to stop at some point. Plus, who doesn't want to become plant food?

And all of the members of my family feel the same about abuse of life support so I don't anticipate that being an issue.

 

I voted other because although I have told mum I would prefer to be cremated I haven't spoken much of anything else. I did find out during the conversation that mum wants to be cremated too so I guess that's something we share in common. I did say that being buried wouldn't really bother me but just to make sure that I am dead before they do it. I have this massive fear of being buried alive. But if the decision came down to it I do want to be cremated for sure.

 

I've just told Mum to just do the cheapest thing, which is cremation.

 

We've talked about it some in my family. It makes my sister really uncomfortable though so we can't stay on the topic long.

We do know that all of us (my mom, dad, dog, sister, and myself) are all going to be/have been cremated and have (had) our ashes dumped in the same spot (the beach we spent every summer at).

 

The only thing I've specified is that I want to be cremated, so I don't wake up to find out I've been buried alive... Just kidding. I just prefer my ashes, to my rotting corpse.

I'm working on a will... (famous last words, right?)

 

Yes I have.

 

Funny this should come up as I've thought of speaking with my family about it lately. I want them to know that a religious funeral service/burial are against my wishes. Its true that funerals are for the living, but I want them to know that I would consider it as a personal insult to my life and memory, equivalent to spitting on my grave.

 

Not really. It came up in passing once, but all I really mentioned is that, if it happens, I am registered as an organ donor, and I want a viking funeral with what's left of me after that.

However, seeing as how I probably won't get the viking funeral, that I'll just go with cremation. Other than that, I don't see the point in discussing it, because I don't intend on dying anytime soon, and if it happens, oh well. Not much I can do to stop it, is there?

Besides, certain religious differences make it a bit of a tricky subject to discuss much further than that.

 

Well, after being placed on suicide watch many times, I kinda didn't have a choice.

 

I have only ever mused with my mom or so over what would happen if I myself died. "Dust to dust" would be my preferred way of disposal of my physical remains. Like Gen said. ^.^ And yeah, I have no riches, and don't plan to hoard any, so a will should be quick to write...

My grandparents are usually laughing about that they are old and might die soon. As a sensitive and empathetic child, that disturbed me a bit...

 

About 6-7 years ago I was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor when I got my drivers license renewed. It forced my mom and I to have a discussion about what I want to happen with my my assets, body, type of ceremony I want, whether or not to "pull the plug" should the worst happen.

Like Patrick said, as uncomfortable as it may be, it's important everyone have this conversation with loved ones. Should you ever own property, it becomes very important to get a will. In theory everyone should have one, but it's really not a big deal until you have something like a house worth breaking up should you pass.