Suicide?

Phew, that's a hard one, and I've been in similar situations, well, not the same, but have had many times where I felt very much trapped, desperate and hopeless.

First of all, it's good that you're posting here. Even if you might not have any close RL friends, there's people here (like me) who will listen, and try to understand, and not judge. It's hard meeting friends, especially depending on where you live, and the distances involved. Do you have the opportunities to go to any groups/clubs on campus, or are the courses online? Or maybe some place to go and just hang out, outside of home, a coffee-shop, or something?

But it's a lot harder when home doesn't feel like home...I had that feeling just recently, with these nasty, emotionally abusive housemates we lived with to save money...what a mistake. I feel like we're still recovering.

That said, one way to view this is as temporary: you'll graduate, you'll eventually move or find house-mates, and things will change. They may not immediately be sunshine and buttercups, but there's gonna be times to look forward to mixed in, even if it looks dark now.

For now, try to reach out as best you can, and make friendships even if they seem far away...you never know where you may end up living, and what adventures could await you. I know moving here from Michigan was this huge risk that I think was both good and bad, and has had me both at the peaks of happiness, and the brink of suicide---but for all that, I can look back and say, wow, I survived all that, even if these days it's worn me out a good deal, and I'm again ready to leave the city, and move back to the wilderness.

Well, I'm not sure what to say, but you can always talk to me via my wall.

Are there any options, however remote, of finding a different place to live? Even a tiny place? But I feel for you; it's tough when home does not feel like home, and the night is just too quiet.

 

I always just keep thinking about the possibilities for the future. Things might be total sh*t now, and tomorrow, and next week, and maybe next month... but the possibilities are endless as you go on. If things end now, who knows what you'll be missing out on in the coming years. Things won't get better overnight, but life will get better... unless you're not around to live it. (*hug*)

 

What I do is think of a random problem from like 3 years ago that used to stress me out almost everyday, and now means absolutely nothing to me in the present day. It's so easy to get consumned by our day-to-day problems that we forget to look at the bigger picture. As cheesy as the whole"it gets better" thing sounds, it really has a lot of truth behind it.

 

There's always a chance for life to get better. You have so many years. What's gonna happen after college? What DO you want to happen? If you don't know, that's fine but I want you to think of this as a puzzle. A puzzle that you really want to build, but there's so many pieces that you doubt it a little..but despite that, you start on it anyway. How long do you think it'll take you? A few hours? A few days? Months? There will be days where you won't want to work on it - and that's okay. The more you build, the easier it gets and all that matters is the beautiful picture in the end.

 

If you had a close friend in exactly the same situation, what would you do? Would you help them?

I'll go out on a limb and say you would, because that person, and you, are worth it.

 

Study?

 

Having no friends hurts. I have felt like I have no friends, and still feel like that sometimes. I have one true friend IRL and he lives far away. We used to spend hours together every day. Now we don't and that hurts.
The other poor circumstances in your life must suck as well.
But there is a reason - or many reasons, I would say - for that 'suicide is never the answer'. Pain will always be a part of life. Sometimes things might seem meaningless and you might feel like you're better off not being here.
But I believe and know that there is a place for you out there. There is something you can do that no one else can. When you find something like that, your life will be all the more meaningful to you. As for the emotional and mental pain you feel - with time, when you reach out you'll find people willing to help you back up a little bit at a time, and you'll feel better for it. You can get to where you want to, whether that is a specific goal, so to say, or just happiness or so.

You can overcome this situation and leave this misery behind. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But you can do it. And there are people who are willing to help you when you reach out.
If you ever want to talk, send me a message.
Take care. xx

 

I'm feeling the same right now, it's so hard just to hold on, just for one more day. It's exhausting and i feel so tired, it gets heavier each day. I can feel my darkness closing in around me. I don't know if i can hold out another fight with myself to survive another day. One day the darkness will engulf me and swallow me and i won't be able to fight it anymore.

 

HuskyPup makes good points about groups/clubs. You might have to to go through tons of people, but sooner or later you'll probably find at least one really good friend. I used to play video games competitively. I was more interested in winning, but I made friends.

Are you happy with the college subject(s) that you're studying? If you're spending more than 4 hours every day on "bonus" studying outside of college, then reduce it, because diminished returns.

Why is the home horrible? Bills? Control freaks? You can deal with those things, even if it seems hopeless.