Anyone here with multiple sex partners? I have some questions.

I'm a little confused. Are you talking about people that have had more than one sexual partner in the past? Or people who have more than one person that they currently have sex with? Or people who Do threesomes?

 

I'm pretty sure Driftr is asking polyamorous people and any other kind of person that has multiple sexual relationships at once.

I've never had any sexual relationships, but I suspect my preferred relationship style would be non-monogamous. I'm not actually sure romantic relationships are for me. I doubt I'm capable of feeling romantic love, but I can definitely love people platonically. So I'm still figuring these things out, but I'm pretty sure I would prefer to have multiple close relationships at once, preferably with sex involved.

I'll answer your questions anyway. I'm in that general demographic.

1. Nope. I avoid the stigma by not participating much in society.

2. Yes. I'm very bothered by people shaming others over consensual sex.

3. There will always be vast holes in my life, but that's another topic. Anyway, I don't value monogamy any higher than any other relationship style. I don't see non-monogamy as missing anything. If I'm in a relationship with someone, it's because I really like them. This can happen with multiple people at once, or just one.

4. Oh boy, yes indeed. I don't see what it has to do with my interest in non-monogamy, though. I think my interest in it came from being trans and lesbian and finding myself and what I want in the world, which led to me realizing I don't particularly value monogamy. I think I would've ended up interested in non-monogamy even if things went well in my upbringing.

 

I really want to reply to this, but I am about to fall asleep...I will reply ASAP (I'm leaving this here both to encourage you about people responding...but also to remind myself to actually post). Hopefully tomorrow.

 

While today I am Momogamous, there was a period where I was very much playing the field, if you will. To answer your questions based on my experience:

1. I never felt ashamed. I never concerned myself with any stigma or perception from others. People close to me were aware, I never really tried to hide it, but I never felt stigmatised.

2. No, they are just words. I was going through an exploratory phase of my life to learn about myself. This was part of that process. Part of me consciously sought out the activity, and part of me was pulled to the activities by something deep within me.

3. I never felt there was a hole and never concerned myself with those who might have judged me negatively. This was my personal journey to make.

4. So many things can be described as traumatic from childhood. Multiple childhood events led me to have doubts about myself, as so many of us on EC knows. I do believe I safely navigated this stage of my life and, through the process, did come to terms with various demons that had haunted me from my youth; but my sexual awakening was only one small part of the broader journey.

Hope this helps.

 

So first I have to say that I do not currently have multiple sex partners. But I do have multiple love partners, and it is not out of the question that any number of these could at some point become sex partners. Everyone knows about everyone else...I don't cheat. And if sex happens, it will undoubtedly happen in conjunction with my partner of 29 years (with whom I do have sex, btw, just to be clear). But it will also no doubt still happen within a culture (well, cultures, actually) that values monogamy strongly and looks down on polyamory. So I feel I am a relevant voice in answering questions about polyamory because (a) I do feel multiple loves and (b) I am moving toward a time when those loves could take on a physical component.

So in response to (1), I have to confess that for a long time I did feel ashamed of feeling love for others. This is something I've experienced throughout my life and I spend a lot of time being scared of it. I left/hurt a wonderful woman and good friend in order to start seeing my current partner, because I had swallowed the notion that it is only *possible* to experience love for one person at a time...and I knew I loved my current partner, so therefore, what I felt for that previous person must not have been love. Sounds so stupid to me now.

It's important to say that I've never *tried* to love others, or tried to form loving relationships with people other than a single partner...I just find that it happens. (This defensiveness should certainly allow you to infer that I do still feel some level of shame over it.) In the early stages of seeing my partner, that other woman was still a constant tug on my heart...but there were also men and other women with whom I'd get close...and then closer...and *want* more with (sexually, sure, but more importantly, emotionally), but would absolutely deny myself, because the thought of being in love with someone else was terrifying...what would it say about me? Would it mean I'd have to leave my partner? It is a ridiculous set of constraints to try to live under.

My basic tenet these days is to move in directions that avoid as much fear as possible and that bring as much love as possible. Love is constructive (and therefore good); fear is destructive (and therefore bad). If the rest of my society is too afraid or too limited to see this, I take no blame. So although I feel some residual shame, I feel no blame. That is basically my approach to society's stigma, and it is similar to my avoidance of their stigma with respect to bisexuality: if they are afraid, limited, or ignorant, then that is their issue, not my fault.

My partner and I have discussed this and discussed it. She has always seen this quality in me to become close and form loving relationships with people, and although she does not share it, she admires it...it's something about me that she appreciates, and therefore does not want or try to limit. Sex, on the other hand, brings in all kinds of safety issues that are not good to be treated casually. So we'll move carefully and together on that aspect of things. I'm good with this. We have a great sex life...when it expands, it'll either get even better, or we'll stop the expansion.

(2) LOL, of *course* those words are offensive...because they are used offensively. I mean, ok, if you take money (or drugs or anything else) in exchange for sex, I don't find the word "whore" (or it's silly colloquialization "ho") particularly inappropriate...sure you can argue that you're a prostitute or an escort or whatever, but a whore is someone who sells sex. "Slut" on the other hand, is simply someone who has sex with more people than whoever happens to be using the word finds appropriate. It is a stupidly judgmental word and should die in a hole. Why a woman should be labeled a slut for having n sex partners, while a guy in the same circumstance is thought simply to be a "stud" is just plain sexism.

(3) I'm not certain what you're asking here. I do feel the lack of m-f sex in my life, and experience it as a bit of a hole. What I do *not* feel in any way is any emotional lack or lack of depth in my relationship with my partner. We have a better, closer, more stable relationship than most I've seen, with better communication than I've witnessed in most other relationships, and we love each other deeply. I think that if I didn't feel a great deal of love, I would not be able to share love so freely.

(4) And here the stereotype just falls apart completely. I do not have a traumatic upbringing or abusive past at all. My parents are absolutely lovely people who made and make me feel loved and respected. Having completely grown up and been on my own for many years, I (along with my partner) now think of them as close friends, whom I/we love deeply, and whom I/we will miss sorely when they are gone. They did [try to] teach me that "monogamy is best"...even expected...and for many years I believed that. But as I discussed above, I've simply reached a point in my person development where I am accepting the reality of who I am and of whom I love. If they were a bit younger, I would likely try to explain it to them, and I think they could get it. As it is, I'll only go there if there's a reason to at some point.

I hope that helps!

 

my husband and I are non monogamous. I'm bi sexual and he is bi curious. We love each other very much... We just have faith and an extrem amount of trust in each other. We actually enjoy knowing one or both of us are having fun. We started our relationship this way.... so we don't feel guilty.

No holes! We have a daughter, share chores, play computer games every night and consider him my best friend and lover. I even have a date with my lady friend on the 13th.

We have had a poly relationship before... but that couple didn't have the same trust level we have so it didn't work out. I'm open to being in a poly relationship. It is an end goal for both of us... but we are not actively seeking partners right now.

I don't tell very many people about our sexual preference. There is that stigma of cheating/unfulfilled relationship/sluts etc.... But we stay safe and only play with like minded people.

 

I too am kind of confused about whether it's people with more than one partner, or people who just have a lot of partners all the time. Either way, for me:

1. I don't feel ashamed. I'm not a major player, but I've had a fair number of partners - almost all were either in relationships or FWB situations. I tend to be selective of my partners and never hook-up right after meeting. Where I live, there really isn't much of a stigma with having a lot of partners, honestly it's kind of the norm.

2. I'm not offended by the terms of slut/whore. I've never really been called either, unless it's playful with a friend. They're often directed at women to shame them for having multiple partners - something I've never understood. Males want to have sex, and straight males need to have someone to have sex with, so.....

3. There isn't a "hole in my life," I just enjoy sex. But I'm also safe about it. It's like being a musician who enjoys playing with different people. It allows you to have new experiences, try new things, etc. I really don't have an issue with/judgment for people who have several new partners a week, but it does make me a bit cautious because they're far more likely to have an STD.

4. Nope, no traumatic upbringing. I believe as a generalization, perhaps 3 and 4 are true [trying to fill in for an absent father figure for example?], but it certainly does not apply to everyone. I would also like to add, when in a relationship, I'm strictly monogamous. Perhaps this question wasn't quite meant for people like me, as I'm not someone who needs a ton of new partners. I just enjoy sex and prefer it to be regular. If I'm not in a relationship, it needs to come from somewhere, right?

 

1. Do you ever feel ashamed? And if you don't how do you ignore the stigma that comes with having multiple sex partners?

No, and I don't care.

2. Does it offend you where people use the words "slut," "hoe" or "whore"?

No.

3. Do you ever feel like there's a hole in your life (like how judgemental monogamous people tend to assume about non-monogamous people)?


No.

4. Oh and another thing that people tend to assume about non-monogamous people is that they had a traumatic upbringing. Does that apply to you?

No.