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My first poem. || work in progress

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by AsIUsedToBe, Nov 5, 2015.

  1. AsIUsedToBe

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    Work in progress
    I'm not a project made to be graded. What are you saying I'm outdated? I'm a human being! What are you not seeing? We work and work to fix our selves making us "better" but are we though? Girls cover their faces with masks and starve themselves to get thigh gaps. Drawing on them selves like maps with knifes and needles to make them selves like plastic. Barbie isn't real and neither is perfection. I won't play these games to win over some shallow affection! Men work in the gym to be masculine. If you aren't strong are you a man at all? Mentally and physically. Nor sensitive and weak. No man can shed a tear because that makes him a queer? If you aren't loud and strong you don't belong. If you are different and not like the rest they say your are just looking for attention why must I be labeled as a misapprehension! Society has labeled us as normal or a freak. If you aren't like the rest you don't belong. So so long! You will never belong and no one will love you, at least that's what they tell us. At the end of the day, you still care what they say. Their words poke inside your frail broken skin spilling your tears all over the sheets of depression. This world is made up of unrealistic obsession. My body is just my home. My soul is what I own! I show self expression through the words that I speak! Through the thoughts in my head that I write on this paper. Through the love that I will spread with my arms wide open and my thoughts will always be spoken. Because love is stronger than what's hot and in style. That's not something you can defile! Work in progress? Hah! I guess! But that's something I will not express!
     
  2. Argentwing

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    First, a question: Is it titled "Work in progress" or is it actually unfinished?

    Regardless I like the flow and it has a punchy message. Due to its angry tone and lack of structure I think it would work amazingly when spoken like slam poetry.

    Your criticism is also dead-on. There is a lot wrong with how we treat each other as a society and this nails a big part of the problems. :slight_smile:
     
  3. loveislove01

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    That's just really, really good :slight_smile:
    It's accurate too! I agree with the above poster, it would sound really good as slam poetry but you do what you like :slight_smile:
     
  4. Ally Girl

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    Wow thats brilliant! Well done!
     
  5. Moonflower

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    I really like this poem. It speaks a lot to me because I am finally out later in life and the idea of fighting against being outdated, and that we are all really just works in progress (or at least should be, that's a big part of what's wrong with the world, many people stop being works in progress around age 25-if most people continued working on themselves past their mid twenties, the world might be a better place)
    I also really like "My body is just my home. My soul is what I own." Very true.
    Aside from a few word tweaks here and there, which as a poet you'll do anyway, it's a good piece. It also seems like it would be at its best as a performance piece.