Why Are People So Afraid To Be Different?

One can also say that many people go out of their way to be as "unique" and "antiestablishment" as possible and end up becoming a cliche of accoutrements, behaviors, and ideas of the "creatives," "nonconformists," and "weird" people.

 

weird is wonderful. i kind of feel bad for the ones who go along to get along. they will remain in society's "normal" little box, looking out but to afraid to enjoy the freedom of being themselves.

 

There seems to be in society a pull between conformity, and therefore acceptance within a certain social group or environment, and being individualistic, and therefore setting yourself apart and being unique and your own being, apart from other people or a certain group. It's easy to want both simultaneously, and I sometimes find that people, including me, can tend to try and achieve both alongside each other.

The healthiest ideal in my mind is a balance between not compromising your identity - what makes you, you, whether society or your social context deems that "normal" or not (after all- it's entirely subjective and up for argument) - and yet still being able to find that comfort and security within a certain social group- and with that, there almost has to be some level of conformity. Having your own identity whilst still maintaining a sense of social identity is important to a lot of people. Conforming yourself to an extent that you lose parts of your identity and what sets you apart, and who you are in your core, is extremely unhealthy. What society deems as wrong may not necessarily be wrong. Being any part of LGBT+ isn't wrong or abnormal, and yet a lot of people feel the pressure to sacrifice that part of them to conform. When it gets to that level, it's unhealthy. Our entire lives and identities shouldn't be centered around what other people think, and what groups in society deem of us. We are our own person at the end of the day, and self-respect and self-validation is extremely vital. Being your own person and not losing sense of who you are is at the core for many individuals.

Yet I think that people still need that sense of social comfort and identity with groups. There have been a lot of studies done on social conformity, on social identity theory, on humans as social creatures. Some of our identities are certainly bound to the social groups we belong to, and therefore we do feel the need to conform to the beliefs, behaviours, and actions of groups we identify with, for the sake of not losing that. To be disconnected to such an extent to have no social identity or no group of people to connect with- whether that be your culture, the LGBT+ community or any other you may belong to, or even a group of people into the same types of music or media- can become unhealthy as well.

I don't necessarily think that everyone is afraid to be different. I think that it's a very hard line to walk between maintaining your own identity and the qualities that make you, you, and set you apart from the rest, whilst simultaneously not losing that social comfort and identity that many of us need. LGBT+ is an issue in itself, the fact that it's deemed wrong or abnormal by some can be incredibly damaging. In this case, the importance of validating your own identity and not having to compromise what is a natural part of you, is even more difficult but also incredibly significant. However, in this case, it doesn't mean sacrificing social groups all together. Although human society is one big social group, society is split into different communities and social identities. The importance is in finding one where you don't have to sacrifice your core identity, yet still being able to find a sense of community where conformity doesn't have to be so unhealthy for you.

 

I totally agree with this. You can be different alright and you'll probably feel so free by doing so. But there will always be some sort of isolation around you. Sure, it's been so easy to find people who share at least some of your identity and world views, but they're few and will not always be with you.

So I think most people are afraid to be different because of loneliness that comes with it. They would rather conform to the majority behaviour, even if they think differently, than face isolation.

 

Because people relentlessly punish you for it. Even from childhood. Being different is not the thing that people are afraid of, it's the way others react to that difference.

 

Exactly. People in general want to feel accepted, it's much easier if you just fit in. Being different is good in theory, but no one wants to be judged for who they are, or what they do, or what they like.

 

Being different can get you pushed out of social groups. I like to say my opinion, my real opinion, constructively too, but people hate me for it. I don't stop though, if I don't say my opinion, I'll never learn and I'll never hear other people's opinions. Although saying this, I should probably stop using ''boyfriend'' in sentences, I mean, I'm fine when my mum says ''have you got a boyfriend yet''. Simple, ''no''. But I just don't know how to say it, even though liking women has always been normal for me. I didn't know about homophobia until I was about 15, and I knew I liked women from the age of 7 ... I guess I've just thought who I like is no one's business other than the person who I liked at that time if I wanted to go up to them. Anyway, look at the spider. We talk about not being prejudice, but lots of people hate all spiders, even though not all are poisonous.

 

Predictability is a a very important survival tool. It allows us to know what to expect of others and as such we minimize the amount of risk to ourselves. When someone is different they are also considered to be unpredictable and as such a threat. It's the same reason why autistic children adopt repetitive behavior, it gives them a sense of familiarity and accordingly makes them feel safe. Intimacy is also strongly connected to learning to predict another person's behavior which is why people learn to conform at a very young age. It makes them more desirable to partners who feel closer to them, more quickly because they already exist as part of a schematic pattern of human attributes and behavior.

The only time when predictability becomes less desirable is during a short period in your twenties and late teens when you try to to create a more unique identity that makes you stand out from your peers. However, the behaviors that you adopt will always be patterned and schematic and you will reveal these parts of yourself very early in your relationship with a person to give them a feeling of familiarity and accordingly intimacy.

 

Humans have a natural fear of the unknown (as well as a curiosity toward it). Thus, stigma works as an aggressive-defensive measure against imagined threats. Being different is being an imagined threat, and you are likely to be subjected to stigma, which feels bad.

 

Exactly. Somebody must be brave to be different. It's worth it, but they tend to get systemically crushed for awhile until they are able to own it.

 

As long as its not different in the wrong way.lmake of that what you will.

 

I've had issues with this for a long time. I get very self-conscious when I feel like people think I'm weird. Whenever I'm in a social situation I spend much of my energy wondering what people are thinking about me, whether I might have offended someone, or whether I something I said might have been misinterpreted.

Things have gotten a bit better as I've learned to stick up for myself. One moment that helped me build confidence was telling a room full of creationists that I believed in evolution. To my surprise, no one got mad.

As to why so many people are afraid of being different, I think it's partly personality. It can also have to do with the way they were raised. My dad used to be a hardcore Calvinist and believed people were basically worthless apart from God. I carried that baggage with me for years afterward, and second-guessed everything about myself. I was so afraid of being a bad person that I stifled everything that made me unique.

 

A few reasons spring to mind, some of which have already been highlighted.

Fear of exclusion, isolation, and loneliness:

Alder's post covered this pretty well. Humans are social animals and most feel a strong draw to 'the herd' - to varying degrees. Some feel a very strong need to conform and meet expectations to the point that which ever group is the largest/most commonplace will be that which they feel a strong urge to belong to. Other's whose urge to 'fit in' is so not quite so strong may be drawn to smaller, more non-conformist groups. Conflicts can arise where there exists a difference between the person you are and the person that in some form or fashion you're expected to be.

Practicality:

Blending into a group can be practically useful, there is only so much an individual can achieve as a one, compared to what can be achieved as a collective. Ironically this can also backfire stupendously; when an individual becomes so entrenched within a group that said groups downfall inevitably becomes their own. Staying impartial to a degree is a good approach but comes with its own problems, because failing to fully conform or attach oneself to ideas and expectations can also lead to damaging perceptions of one's character. The individual who tries to remain objective can be labeled a fence-sitter or fickle They can be faced with the accusation that they don't know what they want, that they lack direction or decision.

Safety:

Or safety in numbers essentially. Being alone makes you an easier target, it also makes others less likely to assist when bad fortune befalls you. The whole: "You're not one of us/not our problem" idea. A lot of fears from LGBT individuals probably fall under this; once you are excluded from the vast majority, the vast majority stops caring what happens to you.





From my own perspective it's kind of hard for me to give an account of my experiences without sounding impersonal. Nearly everyone (but not all) I've ever heard talk about their own feelings has covered a familiar pattern: a need to belong and form companionships from a very early age, increasing levels of self-consciousness in the teenage years, a journey towards 'finding oneself' in their 20's and a more subtle pressure (and not one that all are automatically aware they are being influenced by) to conform as they grow older.

For me it was sort of the other way around. I've more or less always known who 'me' was; likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses etc. Some things took longer to show themselves and figure out than others, but the self that I am just kind of... developed on it's own with very little need for influence, other than the exposure to the thing I was forming an opinion on. I instinctively craved isolation as a child, and was consistently bemused as to other children's behaviour and interactions. I grew to understand why others had a draw to the herd mentality from a logical perspective, just didn't feel it myself. To a degree I came to either tolerate or (more rarely) enjoy the companionship of other specific individuals. I was aware that I was perceived as weird or 'different'; this didn't bother me other than the frustration that comes from being misinterpreted. I remember when I was about 13, a teacher who had been observing me felt the need to explain to me the concept of peer-pressure and how it affects a person, because "other kids aren't like you, they want to fit in" - she had assumed I had no understanding of it because I'd asked (I was just trying to open a discussion) why people needed to do the same things as one another. My teenage years were also when I believe I first experienced the emotion of loneliness although I wasn't aware of what it was at the time.

As I've grown older, it has occurred more often and is more distinct but I still struggle to relate entirely to how others describe their loneliness. I've also developed a better ability to form bonds with others and have learned the use of 'fitting in' to a degree where necessary for practical and safety purposes. That said however, I still have not developed the need to belong to any group on an emotional level. I tolerate groups but enjoys individual company (assuming said company is not a total arsehole obviously). Being different is still comfortable to me in itself unless it creates an annoying obstacle in some way. I still view group influenced behaviours in an analytical fashion, and am often inclined to spot their flaws as much as their benefits. And at the age I am now, it seems unlikely that my perspective on the subject will ever change dramatically.

They say you should stick to what you're good at. And I'm great at being weird. :lol:

 

You're right: it is, but being different has its cons as well.

My mum once said that people who are different are a threat to those who aren't, because they challenge the normal people's understanding of themselves and the world by virtue of their very existence. As a result, people who are different tend to face social rejection, stigma, isolation, and bullying as the normal people either try to force them to assimilate or reject them because they don't know how to handle them. I witnessed this first hand at primary school due to the social skills issues that come with mild Asperger's.

When I started secondary school life got a lot more enjoyable. It was a special needs school and they taught us social skills. In addition the low pupil population (100) combined with it being a boarding school meant that I was forced to live with a bunch of people who were all very different, but not such a huge number that it was unmanageable. That had a hugely positive impact on my ability to socialise properly, and also meant that I no longer felt as weird and odd as I had previously. Nor was I perceived that way.

The flip side is that I still had to edit myself a bit and hide parts of me which were not popular with the majority of my peers. When I switched secondary schools, I had to do that with greater vigour due to outright physical bullying. I hate hiding. It's taken me several years to begin to unwind and sometimes I have trouble separating stuff which is me from stuff I've internalised and need to get rid of. As I've become a bit freer and expressive of myself things have come out of the woodwork which have challenged what I always held to be true about myself. That's not comfortable, and sometimes it leaves me feeling quite lost and not belonging to any social group at all, or alternatively it throws me into a kind of social no man's land where I don't qualify to be part of the group I'd feel most at home in. :bang: But overall I've always been a happy, optimistic person and I'm far happier now I'm giving myself permission to be different.

tldr: people are afraid of the price they'll have to pay to be different.

 

From a personal standpoint, being different or unique comes with it's own costs. It's hard to relate to people as far as tastes go. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone telling me that my music tastes suck, that I dress weird or that my personality is "different than others". It's not something that I intended, it's not something that I forced myself into, I just like being me and I do what I feel I need to do in order to live my life the way I want it.

On the other hand, there are major perks. If I happen to become friends with someone, at least I know they're genuine until proven not. Luckily, we have the internet, where we can find many, MANY other people like ourselves. Back in my day, you had your school mates or nothing at all.

 

From a personal standpoint, being different or unique comes with it's own costs. It's hard to relate to people as far as tastes go. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone telling me that my music tastes suck, that I dress weird or that my personality is "different than others". It's not something that I intended, it's not something that I forced myself into, I just like being me and I do what I feel I need to do in order to live my life the way I want it.

On the other hand, there are major perks. If I happen to become friends with someone, at least I know they're genuine until proven not. Luckily, we have the internet, where we can find many, MANY other people like ourselves. Back in my day, you had your school mates or nothing at all.

 

From a personal standpoint, being different or unique comes with it's own costs. It's hard to relate to people as far as tastes go. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone telling me that my music tastes suck, that I dress weird or that my personality is "different than others". It's not something that I intended, it's not something that I forced myself into, I just like being me and I do what I feel I need to do in order to live my life the way I want it.

On the other hand, there are major perks. If I happen to become friends with someone, at least I know they're genuine until proven not. Luckily, we have the internet, where we can find many, MANY other people like ourselves. Back in my day, you had your school mates or nothing at all.

 

I've never been anything but different, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble, and will continue to do so. But now I know I'm more different than I thought and I can understand some of the ways I was different (not boy obsessed lol) as a teenager.
As my youngest often says - who wants to be normal. Normal is boring

 

I have no idea but it frustrates me because the main reason people don't stand up for others is fear. As for the thing on LGBT not be normal, that reminds me of a few years ago, when I was thirteen and unaware of my sexuality, when a girl caught me staring at her chest(I know that's kinda rude but I didn't mean to and at the time simply told myself that the only reason I stared a girls was because I was jealous) and said in a disgusted voice, "That's not normal."