"The gay community"

All the gay people I have spoken to in real life have been very shallow. Sex this, sex that. Especially the younger (around my age) and more feminine ones. The amount of racism and bigotry has really surprised me too. I would say, from the people I have met, that gay people are on average far more bigoted than straight guys.

EC is the only place where the gay guys actually seem to behave like normal human beings and not want to constantly talk about sex or bash people for their race or just generally bitch about people.

 

It's 50/50 for the most part I'm finding out that a lot of people in the lgbtqa community are racist or kinda shallow. On the other hand there are some who are very intelligent and amazeballs and some I consider mentors. I had a trans friend she now is an amazing women. Cute as guy and beautiful as s women now. I do think that some of my generation gives the older gents a hard time.. I actually think it's quite weird that I like talking to some of the older gay men to gain insights and what it was like for them and being gay growing up, then there are some who make fun of older gay men or who just want a sugar daddy.. then don't get me started on the body type system. Yes although I am thin for my age I am not a fucking twink... I actually had to Google some gay slang and the term is really offensive. It's.. well the definition is someone usually a younger gsy man who is thin for his age hairless and really slutty... and I'm over here like dafuq: I like hardcore brawling. Videogames, I have hair on my arms just to prove to peeps that there are actually black people with natural red hair... it changes colours in the light... don't get me started. Plus I know how to kick ass and take a punch... and I'm a hardcore romantic.. so.. suck it urban dictionary XD. I hate all the other labels too and sometimes how members of the lgbtqa hate on straight people. Most of my friends are straight and are really amazing people. It's not all day people and its not all straight people. Every penny has two sides

 

Socialising with other gay people just because they're gay is more likely to lead you to having a superficial relationship with them. If your one commonality is sexuality, then deeper interactions might be a long time coming.

In my experience, there's a more clearly defined "community" among LGBT people, particularly gay men, above the age of 40. Much younger than that, particularly among my age group, and you really don't see much of a community. There is a shallowness insofar as there isn't really a community. There exists less of a need to bond together and seek respite the rest of the world. Young LGBT people have the double-edged sword of being far more accepted by their heterosexual peers, which is absolutely desirable, but we lack any sense of community. I honestly don't mind that. A significant, though not overwhelming, majority of my friends are straight; we have common interests, ambitions and backgrounds that allow us to bond with much more of a common identity than we would by merely having sexuality in common.

To put it simply, I think the gay community around me is so weak because its primary purpose is obsolescent. Integration into the general community has worked so well, but it does come at the cost of not really having a community to be able to rely on for sexuality-related issues, should they come up. There are obviously LGBT organisations, but they're not targeted at people like me, who don't really need much help.

My experience with gay people my age is almost entirely positive. I think that's because my friendships with other LGBT people aren't built around sexuality. It's great being able to talk about issues that relate to sexuality, but I think that friendships built around such a singular aspect of life aren't sustainable.

My circumstances are quite fortunate, but I think it's come across quite clearly what I'm trying to say. Gay people should not try to cling to each other just because of shared sexuality. Romantic relationships, friendships and even well-rounded acquaintanceships need something deeper running through them to survive. Absent the dreadful force of the homophobia of years past (in liberal, Western nations, that is), there is less of a glue to bind LGBT people together. Whether or not that result is a negative or positive thing, I don't know. But I think it's rather hard to encourage LGBT people to actively join and revive a community when they don't feel much pressure to do so.

 

I find there's an awful lot of pressure to conform. Among gay men at least, dissenting opinions aren't particularly welcome.

 

I have to say it always saddens me the way people talk about the gay community on this board. It amazes me that people really think all we have in common is either sex or oppression. I've never found either to be the case and I can honestly say hardly any gay people I know in real life think it. For me the gay community has been one of the greatest things in my life. I've found people who were supportive and generous, a lot of fun but there for each other when the sh*t hit the fan, zany and loyal, courageous and kind.

It's been like that pretty much from the beginning. Literally the first time I went to a gay bar I fell in with a group of guys who became a central part of my life for my twenties. They showed me the ropes and managed to make sure we all survived it. Some twenty years later and I'm still good friends with most of them. Yeah, I suppose there was a bit of commiseration--being gay wasn't for the faint of heart in the early nineties. And I suppose there was some sex. But mainly there was dancing and late night gab sessions and croquet matches in the park and concerts and baseball games and working out together and trips to the beach and discussing books together and brunch--lots and lots of brunch. It's been shoulders to cry on and boys to ogle and charming men who bring soup when I'm sick and drag me out dancing when I mistakenly think I'm not in the mood. It's been people to hope with, people to dream with.

I'm never quite sure what to make of how the discussion goes about the community here. I suppose it could just be that Chicago is different, but I have to say pretty much wherever my husband and I travel we manage to find our tribe. And that really is what it feels like--we can go to some place we've never been and find our people and be welcomed in. All I can say is that I'm glad it's been that way for me and I'm glad I've never really encountered this "community" that people here talk about.

 

There is no one "gay community" in my opinion. I'm looking at how things are in North America:

There is the type of "matured together" gay community which OGS describes. I see it where I live too, and they are very bonded, supportive of each other and well-respected by their hetero neighbours.

There is the cruising type of gay community, where it's all about the bars and sexual hook-ups, kind of like many hetero guys in college who are just there for the good times (drinking, getting laid and sports). Shallow, yes, but also lonely, confused, searching gays.
Many are in and out of this world as they try to figure out where they fit in. Many conservatives stupidly assume all gays are in this group.

There are the activist gays who come together over common issues and gripes. Some are bitter and not the most pleasant, but they get things done for the good of LGBTs. Many heteros are wary of this group.

There is the hidden gay community, those still in the closet, often isolated in rural areas or in religious or very traditional families who know full well it isn't safe to come out yet. I feel most sorry for them because they suffer greatly.

There is now the rapidly growing religious gay community, mostly Christian, who have realized they can be gay and keep their faith. They are a very positive force, trying to advocate for LGBT in various churches and doing a good job of educating any Christians who are open to learning. The online support group Gay Christian Network is one example.

Then there is the settling down gay community... those who want long-term relationships. Some are getting married and adopting children wherever it is allowed. They have the respect of society in Canada; I don't think so much in the USA yet.

Of course, there is some overlap of groups.

I guess the challenge is to find the group you best fit into.

 

Alot of aspects of the culture are superficial, so a superficial name is fitting. I wouldnt really spend too much time thinking about exactly what 'the gay community' is or who it represents, to me its just a term thats there for convenience, so people who don't know much about sexuality can follow what your talking about, and to give unifying theme of sorts to an extremely diverse bunch of people when otherwise they wouldnt really have too much in common, aside from being misfits.

 

In my area, there aren't a lot of accepting people. There's a lot of prejudice even among the LGBT+ community. Luckily for me, one of my friends is gay, and she is very open minded and accepting and she helps me out a lot when I don't have access to the forum.

 

I think I can only answer with a question: "Which gay community?"

Because, in my experience, there's multiple ones, which overlap only very slightly.
There's several bars and clubs. There's a sports group. There's a group for under-24 year olds coming out. There's one for married men coming out. And then there's probably a few I forget.

And then there's the rest. In fact, around here, most of the gay people I know. Not so much a community as a network. I have a couple gay friends, they all have a couple of gay friends, those have a few of their own etc. They don't necessarily form any formal group, but if I need to find someone who's GLBT, we'll probably only have one or two degrees of removal.


I think that whether or not to belong to one of the tighter groups or to the network has a lot to do with coming-out experiences.
I only came out when I was 25. So I was too old for the under-24 group (which has a very strict age policy). Too young for the over-30 group. Not married. Not into sports. And not into the club scene.
And on top of that, I had some support from EC, some gay friends who had come out ages before, and VERY supportive straight friends (I have been dragged to gay bars more by my straight than by my gay friends :lol.

So... I never really had a pressing need to join a gay "tribe". I came out, I was open about being gay to new people I met, and I kept meeting new gay friends like I do my regular friends.
I got close to my boyfriend and my best friend (who's also gay) more by bonding about gaming and movies than about being gay.

On the other hand, I know people that couldn't come out to friends or family for various reasons, and which ended up finding a warm new home in a group of other GLBT people.



For all that I'm only loosely networked into the GLBT community/network, I have yet to have a bad experience with it. Never had any inappropriate proposals, got support when I needed it, and generally felt like I could always spend some time with them. I have had gay friends since I was 16 or so, and apart from a couple of years where I was a homophobe bastard, I always felt like I could lean on them for support.


So: nope. I don't feel like "gay culture" is all that bad here. It's kind of loose, and I'm sure it has its unhealthy parts outside my field of view. But my experiences have been solely positive!

 

For me, I do have a lot of gay and bisexual friends and it actually has felt very community-like for me. I've been able to talk to them about certain problems and stuff, including our struggles coming out and accepting ourselves (mainly with this one friend). I think in today's world, with the internet and media it definitely feels like a more accessible community. Just coming on EC it feels like that and there are many other places on the internet where queer kids and adults alike can communicate with one another, even just in a friends kind of way even though there is a lot more sexual stuff out there too. But same with straight people right? (maybe a bit harder since there are less gay and bi people than straight but still), You just have to know where to look. Even just in media and having gay youtubers and celebrities coming out and sharing their experiences and acting as role models it has become a lot more of a community I think, since people can all connect on certain issues that famous or internet famous people are talking about and it's a lot easier to find that kind of support, even if it's just a little bit, now that there's more of that on the internet and elsewhere.

 

To be honest, I never knew such a community existed until recently. It's just not something I'm particularly bothered about. I think Aussie is right in that the 'gay community' is mostly a thing amongst people over a certain age, maybe those who came of age when homosexuality was still largely looked down upon and they had a reason to put on a united front. I find it hard to find common ground with most gay men beyond our sexual desires - but there are always exceptions - and when people talk about their struggles with coming to terms with their sexuality, I can't relate, because I didn't go through that. For me, it was an easy process, because the people around me made it clear that they didn't care.

For me, I have good friends - largely straight - who were very supportive, and as far as I'm concerned, they are my community.

 

For me, I always thought that "the gay community" was something that only exists for people in their 20's and above. Like people have mentioned before, each generation goes though different things together and bond over it over time.

I have a few friends who are gay, one that is more of an acquaintance and the other is a close friend. Now, don't get me wrong but I was never just friends with them because they were gay, we were friends before I even knew they were gay and before I even knew I was gay. However, we did bond over it because we'd been through similar things and he shared similar fears to me. Sure, I had supportive straight friends at the time but none of them really got it. Whereas me and my friend were at very similar points in our life, and I could relate to the fears he had over coming out and losing friends, and even though I couldn't relate to his fears over coming out to his rather traditional, religious family I certainly understood what he was going through having lived in a religious area myself despite being an atheist.

The only straight friend I was open to at the time was... well she was accepting but didn't exactly use a great choice of words sometimes. :dry: She'd tell me how she thought I was brave and that she was glad it wasn't her that was gay because she'd have killed herself if it was but it was good that I was because I could deal with it better than if it were her. Umm... ok? Not really sure what to make of that. She claimed that when I came out to her it made her question her sexuality because she'd never thought of the possibility that she could be gay until then. So we ended up dating (not sure if this was before or after she'd made that comment) and then she dumped me three days later when she realised she was straight. So I guess she wasn't seriously questioning.

This close friend of mine who's gay, before I came out to him we actually dated funnily enough. We were both kind of figuring out who were we and were kinda questioning our sexuality and we were both kind of in denial. It was a very awkward "relationship" that was more of a "friendship" really. Funny thing is- we both didn't realise we felt the same way and were going through the same thing. When I came out to him I expected him to react negatively and even potentially out me, however he took it surprisingly well- he told me that it's ok and went on to explain how he was gay too and shared his experiences.

I was expecting an out-lash of homophobic remarks, but instead we actually became closer as friends. At the time he wasn't out to many people, and I was one of the first ones to know. We bonded over our worries about coming out to close friends and worrying about how to come out to family members.

We also bonded over the fact that in other's eyes we had been in the "perfect relationship" because they had never seen us have an argument, and people would often ask why we broke up, or try and get us "back together", we would often share a sort of knowing sigh- an exchange of glances was all that was required.

Despite figuring his sexuality out later than me, he came out before me. I had more reservations about coming out as I had been through more negative reactions from people (such as people spitting in my face and generally treating me like sh:***:t) but according to him he'd never really been through anything like that before so he had less of an issue coming out. His friends were also a lot less like ass-holes then most of mine were at the time.

It was nice to have someone to talk to about coming out and coming out experiences rather than just have the response of "glad it's you, not me".

When I started at college however, I was met with people who were a lot more understanding and had quite a few gay friends themselves. They didn't treat it as a bad thing either, and were really understanding towards me. They just got it, they could easily put themselves in my situation even though they hadn't been through it themselves- and that was the first time I'd come across that. For the first time, I felt like I belonged. They didn't hate, nor "just tolerate" me because I was gay, they liked me for who I was- and me being gay wasn't seen as a weakness or anything. It wasn't like I was allowed to be their friend despite being gay, it was more like I'm just their friend who happens to be gay and no one really cares. It's just such a none issue here, which is great.

It's weird seeing how open everyone has been here- I know this guy who sits near me in class who talks about his male partner and what it's like being in a long-distance relationship. What amazed me was that no one even bats an eyelash at that- there was no reaction at all and it was just treated as normal.

I mean yeah, don't get me wrong there's the odd person I've come across who've been homophobic and gone off on rants about "the gays" but they're usually in the minority here. I've found a group of supportive straight friends at college as well as a few gay friends, and that to me is my community.

Sure, I've researched into some of the slang used in the community and learnt about stereotypes surrounding them and I found learning about LGBT+ YouTubers has helped me learn a lot as I have learned a lot from Q'n'a type videos and watching some niche shows with LGBT themes has helped me feel more involved in the community.

Being a part of EC has had quite a positive impact on my life, and made me understand certain concepts better, as well as being somewhere I feel like I can turn to when I need advice or help and I feel like I have also helped others here which feels great. It's also nice just to be able to add my voice to certain conversations here as well as hear other's opinions.

 

personally i dont have any experience with this, im completely alone where i live (gay people wise) so i have never face to face talked to another gay person but from what ive seen (and heard) that the gay community is really nice alot of the time but it all depends on who your friends with. thats my view on the gay community, much like the straight one, it depends on who your friends with