So umm I started writing a story and this is what I've got so far: Spoiler "Oh, well if you don't mind I need to umm.. go"Abigail said,clenching her bag slightly as she quickly started to walk off. "It's because I'm a magician isn't it?" Elecktra retorted, stopping her from leaving. "No..no it's not... I mean..."Abigail trembled. "It's ok, I get it" Elecktra responded irritably. "Get what?" Abigail asked nervously. "The way you people are, the way you think, the way you think about us, I've heard it all before trust me" she replied. Abigail turned and started to walk towards the door again. Elecktra stood in front of the door blocking her path. "You're a hypocrite you know that don't you?" said Elecktra. "No I'm not!" Responded Abigail defensively. "Oh please, give me a break I saw what happened before and.." Elecktra began before being swiftly interrupted by Abigail "YOU SAW NOTHING". "But.." Elecktra replied. "NOTHING YOU 'EAR?!?!" shouted Abigail as she pushed Elecktra out the way at long last and stormed out. Elecktra pushed herself up from the wall she had been pushed into. * Abigail was looking through the bookshelves as she tried to hold back her own tears, when she saw a book that caught her eye. Or rather, a picture should I say of an old woman with a crooked back poised over a large cauldron with a black cat sat beside her. Elecktra had guessed that Abigail would be at a library somewhere, and as soon as she walked in she knew that her suspicions had been right all along as she spotted Abigail staring blankly at something. She snook up to her quietly, avoiding detection. "We're not all pointy-nosed, cloak wearing monsters you know" she whispered smugly behind her. Abigail jumped and looked behind at Elecktra. "Oh, it's you" she whispered annoyed, but slightly relieved. "No need to be so enthusiastic, I know how so pleased you must be to see me" sarcastically replied Elecktra with a slight grin on her face. "Ugh, just what do you even want from me?" replied Abigail frustrated. "We need to talk" she replied. "Yeah well can we do it later?" said Abigail and added "besides I'm busy and in case you haven't noticed we're in the middle of a library right now". * "I'd like to switch dorms please" Abigail requested. The admissions and events manager sighed. "I'll get you a form and you can get in line with the others". "You've got to be kidding me right?" snapped Abigail. "Look young lady, I don't know why you think you deserve special treatment from us and quite frankly, I don't have time for this so get in line" he said sternly. Abigail opened her mouth. "No buts, now go" he replied. As Abigail got in line she saw a familiar face. "Not again" she thought as she saw that Elecktra was heading in her direction. The line had cleared by the time Elecktra had managed to reach her as there was only one person in front of her left to go in the queue. "What you queueing for then 'ey?" Elecktra asked stood beside her. She sighed as Elecktra looked over at her form. "I guess I should've seen this coming" said Elecktra. At this point Abigail was finally the first in the queue. "Here you go" she said, handing her form to the administrator. Any constructive criticism? Thoughts? Is it too dramatic? Does it need better sentence structures? Does it sound interesting? Would you pick this up and read it? Why/Why not? Is it too early too say? Probably a useless thread, but we'll see.
You might want to request to have this moved to entertainment and media. But for constructive criticism, a few things. Technically, there's a lot of stuff I'd change. I'm not sure the prevalence of this particular practice but I've been taught to start a new paragraph whenever a new person talks. In the beginning you have rapid-fire dialogue between two people, with little punctuation as well so the words just sort of blaze by. I'd pay more attention to where you need commas or periods. It's easy to overlook stuff like that, thinking punctuation isn't as important as the words, since you don't have it in face-to-face speech. But it manages the flow of the thoughts and clarifies meaning, such as in the last sentence I quoted/edited. Without the comma, it implies that the door is blocking her path, not Elektra's act of moving in front of it. Writing can be quite the delicate art. Style-wise, I see a lot of adverbs. I trust you've heard the advice to "show, don't tell" but if you haven't plunged deep into creative writing, you might have missed the recommendation to avoid adverbs in most cases. The reason is because they flatly (ha irony) tell rather than use strong imagery to show. Your characters do things irritably, nervously, defensively, smugly, sarcastically, etc. Those are fine for explanation, but not when you are trying to paint a picture. It's a shortcut that cheapens your narration. If the characters are feeling or expressing those things, you need to find a way to plant that image in our head without outright saying so, sort of like the concept in Inception. A good opportunity to do that can be found right here, with some changes I made: Just describing what she says and does, in addition to the context is enough that we understand it's sarcasm. By saying so you dispel the playful atmosphere, because it's almost like pausing to point out "Ha, she made a funny by saying something that is the opposite of the truth." You don't want to do that. Lastly, I understand one or both of them are witches? The way you have the sections separated makes it seem like it's in reverse or some other time order. If this is the beginning, we are given really little to no exposition. We don't know who these people are and have to find out based on the setting and their interaction. I guess this one isn't so much a "you can do it better" as it is "There isn't enough here to tell what's going on." Having a hook in medias res is fine as long as you fill in the missing details soon. How complete is this idea? Far too many times I tried to write from the seat of my pants only to find out that the idea goes nowhere and I had to abandon the story. Having an idea of what it's leading up to works wonders with the pacing and action.
First off all, thank you for replying. Punctuation has always been a struggle for me admittedly, which is probably one of the reasons I'm redoing English. Secondly, If I'm being honest here, not much. It isn't as planned out as say the other story ideas I have put down. It's a bit hit and miss at the moment. Admittedly, I've done the same before with other stories I've written- and I do fear slightly that's what will happen to this one. But it's more to do with practising and trying to improve my writing skills. Especially learning to "show don't tell" better, as it is often common advice to receive but can be hard to do in practice. Still, one step at a time I guess. Thanks for all your advice though.
I loved it!!! I'm also trying to write a story. However I'm doing the drawings first XD ---------- Post added 27th Dec 2015 at 06:10 PM ---------- I also loved the way how the characters seem use to each other. A good book/story always involves good character chemistry and relatable traits each character has.
(*hug*) Good luck, my drawing ability ranges from "stickman" to "dodgy looking tree". :roflmao: Hopefully you're better at it then me, but then again that isn't saying much. XD
Spoiler "Oh, well if you don't mind I need to umm.. go"Abigail said,clenching her bag slightly as she quickly started to walk off. "It's because I'm a magician, isn't it?" Elecktra retorted, stopping her from leaving. "No..no it's not... I mean..."Abigail trembled. "It's ok, I get it" Elecktra responded irritably. "Get what?" Abigail asked nervously. "The way you people are, the way you think, the way you think about us, I've heard it all before. Trust me," she replied. Abigail turned and started to walk towards the door again. Elecktra stood in front of the door, blocking her path. "You're a hypocrite you know that don't you?" said Elecktra. "No I'm not!" Responded Abigail defensively. "Oh please, give me a break I saw what happened before and.." Elecktra began before being swiftly interrupted by Abigail "YOU SAW NOTHING". "But.." Elecktra replied. "NOTHING YOU 'EAR?!?!" shouted Abigail as she pushed Elecktra out the way at long last and stormed out. Elecktra pushed herself up from the wall she had been pushed into. * Abigail was looking through the bookshelves as she tried to hold back her own tears, when she saw a book that caught her eye. Or rather, a picture should I say of an old woman with a crooked back poised over a large cauldron with a black cat sat beside her. Elecktra had guessed that Abigail would be at a library somewhere, and as soon as she walked in she knew that her suspicions had been right all along as she spotted Abigail staring blankly at something. She snook up to her quietly, avoiding detection. "We're not all pointy-nosed, cloak wearing monsters you know" she whispered smugly behind her. Abigail jumped and looked behind at Elecktra. "Oh, it's you" she whispered annoyed, but slightly relieved. Elektra wore a crooked grin after Abigail's lackluster greeting. "No need to be so enthusiastic, I know how so pleased you must be to see me." "Ugh, just what do you even want from me?" replied Abigail frustrated. "We need to talk" she replied. "Yeah well can we do it later?" said Abigail and added "besides I'm busy and in case you haven't noticed we're in the middle of a library right now". * "I'd like to switch dorms please" Abigail requested. The admissions and events manager sighed. "I'll get you a form and you can get in line with the others". "You've got to be kidding me right?" snapped Abigail. "Look young lady, I don't know why you think you deserve special treatment from us and quite frankly, I don't have time for this so get in line" he said sternly. Abigail opened her mouth. "No buts, now go" he replied. As Abigail got in line she saw a familiar face. "Not again" she thought as she saw that Elecktra was heading in her direction. The line had cleared by the time Elecktra had managed to reach her as there was only one person in front of her left to go in the queue. "What you queueing for then 'ey?" Elecktra asked stood beside her. She sighed as Elecktra looked over at her form. "I guess I should've seen this coming" said Elecktra. At this point Abigail was finally the first in the queue. "Here you go" she said, handing her form to the administrator.
Aw, thank you. :icon_redf Also, it appears you are right. Apparently "Snook" is a type of fish. My bad. Spoiler "Oh, well if you don't mind I need to umm.. go"Abigail said,clenching her bag slightly as she quickly started to walk off. "It's because I'm a magician, isn't it?" Elecktra retorted, stopping her from leaving. "No..no it's not... I mean..."Abigail trembled. "It's ok, I get it" Elecktra responded irritably. "Get what?" Abigail asked nervously. "The way you people are, the way you think, the way you think about us, I've heard it all before. Trust me," she replied. Abigail turned and started to walk towards the door again. Elecktra stood in front of the door, blocking her path. "You're a hypocrite you know that don't you?" said Elecktra. "No I'm not!" Responded Abigail defensively. "Oh please, give me a break I saw what happened before and.." Elecktra began before being swiftly interrupted by Abigail "YOU SAW NOTHING". "But.." Elecktra replied. "NOTHING YOU 'EAR?!?!" shouted Abigail as she pushed Elecktra out the way at long last and stormed out. Elecktra pushed herself up from the wall she had been pushed into. * Abigail was looking through the bookshelves as she tried to hold back her own tears, when she saw a book that caught her eye. Or rather, a picture should I say of an old woman with a crooked back poised over a large cauldron with a black cat sat beside her. Elecktra had guessed that Abigail would be at a library somewhere, and as soon as she walked in she knew that her suspicions had been right all along as she spotted Abigail staring blankly at something. She snuck up to her quietly, avoiding detection. "We're not all pointy-nosed, cloak wearing monsters you know" she whispered smugly behind her. Abigail jumped and looked behind at Elecktra. "Oh, it's you" she whispered annoyed, but slightly relieved. Elektra wore a crooked grin after Abigail's lackluster greeting. "No need to be so enthusiastic, I know how so pleased you must be to see me." "Ugh, just what do you even want from me?" replied Abigail frustrated. "We need to talk" she replied. "Yeah well can we do it later?" said Abigail and added "besides I'm busy and in case you haven't noticed we're in the middle of a library right now". * "I'd like to switch dorms please" Abigail requested. The admissions and events manager sighed. "I'll get you a form and you can get in line with the others". "You've got to be kidding me right?" snapped Abigail. "Look young lady, I don't know why you think you deserve special treatment from us and quite frankly, I don't have time for this so get in line" he said sternly. Abigail opened her mouth. "No buts, now go" he replied. As Abigail got in line she saw a familiar face. "Not again" she thought as she saw that Elecktra was heading in her direction. The line had cleared by the time Elecktra had managed to reach her as there was only one person in front of her left to go in the queue. "What you queueing for then 'ey?" Elecktra asked stood beside her. She sighed as Elecktra looked over at her form. "I guess I should've seen this coming" said Elecktra. At this point Abigail was finally the first in the queue. "Here you go" she said, handing her form to the administrator. Corrected.
