JayHew (Jerry) - 1st anniversary of his death

Paul_UK · Jan 30, 2009

One year ago we received the tragic news that JayHew (real name Jerry Van Ben Coten) died, aged just 59, on 29th January 2008.

Many of our newer members will never have met Jerry so won't know how much he did for Empty Closets during the 10 months he was with us. He was our first health expert but he did so much more for EC and our members as you will see from the threads and tribute here.

This is the original welcome thread welcoming him to EC on 21st Mar 2007:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1219

The announcement of his death posted on EC on 31st Jan 2008:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7088

An anonymous thread in memory of him:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7133

The funeral announcement and the chatroom logs from our gathering there to mark the start of the funeral:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7198

Becky wrote a tribute to him which was published in Full Spectrum issue 2. It is repeated here.

In Loving Memory
Jerry Van Ben Coten aka: JayHew
Born: May 24, 1948
Died: January 29, 2008

Empty Closets has lost a moderator, a professional, an advisor, and a friend. Jerry left us on January 29th after suffering a fatal heart attack. He was just 59. Jerry came to Empty Closets on March 20th, 2007.

Jerry was a Physicians Assistant in rural Alaska. He brought his expertise to us through many posts in the Health and Well Being Section of our forum. He wrote several posts which will remain as “stickied” to educate our mostly young members on staying healthy. He gave warm and welcoming advice to anyone who needed it. What you may not know about Jerry is that he often corresponded with people via “private messages” or in private chats. Many people have come forward to say that Jerry helped them in this way.

Jerry rarely spoke of help he gave privately though there was one particular instance, which touched me deeply. He mentioned having reached out to a young man (his identity was not revealed) who had been abused by his alcoholic father for nearly his entire life. The young man had said that the night he came to Empty Closets, he was “fully prepared to kill himself.” Jerry told this young man “Nothing much is worth dying for, but there is a lot worth living for.” Jerry befriended him and encouraged him to move out of the house and away from his abusive father and to a safe place. If not for Jerry, that young man may not be alive today.

Perhaps one of the best indicators of the man that he was, were reflected in comments made by Empty Closets members after his passing. Many posts were made including:

“Jayhew was like a rock here for many of us.”

“You sincerely tried to help me for a long time, and while many times I got mad at you, I always came back and you never pushed me away.”

“OMG he has helped me so much. I am in a state of shock!”

“He has helped me with a lot of problems, both privately and publicly.”

“He was a GREAT person. He's helped me so much personally, we IMed each other for a long time on a regular basis.”

“JayHew talked with me all the time on Yahoo. We talked about everything. His life, my life. I never really had someone who cared... and he did. He always had advice and made me feel better. I saw him like a parental figure who ya know... actually cared...”

Jerry is survived by his partner Dan who described him as a “giant with a clay foot”. As I corresponded with Dan about this article, I could feel the great love shared by these two. Jerry and Dan met online two years ago. They chatted frequently online and met face to face on March 26, 2006 when Jerry had some classes to attend in Dan’s hometown. Dan described their first meeting as “love at first sight”. Dan and Jerry helped each other go through some tough times before finally deciding they could no longer live apart. Dan described their time together as full of love, life and joy. His only regret is that their time together was too short.

In Dan’s words, “Jerry served as a decorated Navy Corpsman with the Marines in Vietnam and was in live action on the battle field saving many American lives. He graduated from Physician's Assistant (PA) School on the G.I. Bill in New York City in the early 1970s. His entire professional career was dedicated to helping and healing others as a Physician's Assistant in Alaska where he moved right after he graduated. His first gig was with the Alaska Oil Pipeline crews as they built the pipeline from the top of the world at Prudhuoe Bay all the way to Valdez Alaska. He then worked for British Petroleum for almost 20 years commuting from the Anchorage, Alaska area and Matanuska-Susitna Valley and since 1988 from Nelchina, Alaska where almost single handedly built a 3,700 sq. ft. 2 story log home on his 2 week on the job and 2 week off schedule. In 2002 Jerry began working for a Native Village in Chitina, Alaska and created a Health Clinic there that served area residents for hundreds of miles.”

“Jerry also had great adventures in the wilds of Alaska and enjoyed Rendezvous hand sewing and making authentic leather skin frontiersman clothing with all the trimmings. He was an avid black powder gun collector and won many sharp shooting awards during the various rendezvous he organized and attended. He loved the pop and bang as well as the cannon fire from his own six inch cannon. Just this past New Years he delighted in firing off aerial mortar and rocket fire works from our property here at Nelchina for almost an hour non-stop in -20°F.”

“Jerry retired from the health clinic in the Spring of 2007 after he and I spent a month traveling in the U.K. mid-January to Mid-February via rental car and staying at local B&Bs from London to Bath, Northern Wales, The Midlands, The Lake District, Scotland, York and London. We both so enjoyed the people and culture and castles (Many many from top to bottom.) Jerry had been to the U.K 20 years before but only for 10 days and dreamed of returning to take it all in. Even after a month and many miles and sites and people delights, he wished to return for more.”

“It was after the U.K. trip that Jerry began participating on Empty Closets. Sometimes it was very difficult and challenging but at the same time ALWAYS a Joy! So many young people he touched always with a helping hand and decades of wisdom and professional knowledge. The Instant Messaging and PMs with many were labors of love and affection always giving anything he could. We collaborated together on many exchanges and I came to know many on Empty Closets as a silent helper with Jerry. The research and "sticky papers" were also something he enjoyed providing for EC. As Jerry himself was experiencing some health problems with clogged arteries in his legs the EC participation was a welcome and rewarding way for him to continue to give of himself as he had spent a lifetime doing.”

Jerry enjoyed hiking, camping, ATV’s, snow machines, fishing, hunting, woodcraft, and traveling with his partner Dan. In addition to his loving partner Dan, Jerry is survived by his mother Bernadette (88), two sisters, and two brothers.

I remember Jerry for one particular comment he made on the forums. He said “listen to Becky! She has a PhD in mothering.” It’s not often this PFLAG mom gets an honorary PhD. I will remember you Jerry as being someone with a good heart and a kind soul and who did his best to help others. If we can leave this world knowing we touched the lives of others, then we have truly lived.

Becky Groves
Moderator at Empty Closets
Click to expand...

Rest in peace, Jerry.
Our thoughts are with you, Dan and your family.

Tom · Jan 30, 2009

Wow, has it really been a year already? I still see posts today and think 'Jayhew would provide the answers to this' or something along those lines, I never personally spoke to him much but I could tell that he was an amazing guy and news of his death hit me hard. He was a man worthy of the respect and admiration of us all and EC has still never managed to even come close to filling the void that was left after Jayhews tragic death. It will be a great many years until I can see someone of his calibre joining and advising us once again.

I hope Dan is not taking this tragic time too hard, I can't even begin to imagine the trauma of losing your loved one.

Jayhew shall always be in my thoughts as one who has helped me and my friends more than almost everyone else, I will never forget his kindness.

*I must say sorry to Karabulut at this point, this post seems that I am saying he will never compare to Jayhew, this is not at all what I meant but I haven't been around the forums that often recently and so have not seen you around and have not seen just how fantastic you truly are, I have seen a few posts from you and the advice you have given is amazing =]*

beckyg · Jan 30, 2009

We miss you JayHew! Dan I hope you know we are thinking of you too!

EM68 · Jan 30, 2009

I never knew JAYHew. He sounds like an awesome guy.I have read several of his stickeys

Nodnarb · Jan 30, 2009

Has it already been a year?

Losing Jayhew was a big loss EC, and a very sad day.

I hope Dan is doing well.

pirateninja · Jan 30, 2009

I can't believe it's been a year

Thoughts to Jerry and Dan. I still the miss the guy very much.

Jeimuzu · Jan 30, 2009

He was a massive loss to this site, I think that's plain to see. The site goes on, of course, because it's bigger than everyone here, but he's missed here.

GlindaRose · Jan 31, 2009

Rest in peace

Z3ni · Jan 31, 2009

Fiorino · Jan 31, 2009

It still seems like it was just yesterday he was posting on the forums.
My thoughts go to his partner, Dan. Rest in peace JayHew.

Jerr · Jan 31, 2009

Mr. JayHew... wish I could talk to you.

Midnight Angel · Jan 31, 2009

I can't believe it's been a year already =[

Urman · Feb 1, 2009

Will miss you Jayhew:tears&&&)(&&&)(&&&)

Janvier · Feb 1, 2009

Wow, already..
I'll never forget you, your advice helped me A LOT.
We miss you
R.I.P.

Daniel6 · Feb 4, 2009

I remember he used to be the doctor
R.I.P

Kimi · Feb 6, 2009

Oh my god, it's been already one year...

I hope he is in peace.(*hug*)

TEres321 · Feb 9, 2009

i wish i had been here to meet him, he sounds like a great man.
I hope he is peaceful.

Alexander · Feb 10, 2009

I'm sad I didn't see this until now. :[

I still think about him sometimes even though I never interacted with him personally. But he was a great friend to everyone here. Peace, Jerry. :]

waitingsucks · Feb 14, 2009

I can't believe it's been a year, it still fells like it just was last week that's how much of loss it was and still is

jayden · Mar 21, 2009

i remeber how jayhew use to help me some times. i miss him still. he was really good to tell problems to

JayHew (Jerry) - 1st anniversary of his death

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