Its Long But It Get To The Root Of Me (That’s what he said);)

[derrick1234]

As I sit here looking back at my life thus far I have always been a do it for the now and no matter what I did I always had fun and laugh at the situation, but in the past I’d say 5years it seems as if I am trapped in a hole of misery with no way out. I walk around and 9 times out of 10 there is a dark cloud of frustrations hovering over my head (well as dark as Chris can get) but dark nevertheless. One might read this and see the start of a suicide note but quit the opposite I’m trying to find a way to embrace the life that was handed to me and hopefully writing this will help me. Its sad that something so personal can complete change the way the world see a person, and how it changes the way people fill as though they should act, throughout this entire learning experience I call life I have tried to stay true to me (do what is right for me and makes me happy) but as I get older it fill harder and harder to stay me and to keep the statuesque, so I’m left with a dilemma do I keep up the vale of Simi-deception and allow the world to know me for me or do I embrace the truth and become prepared for everyone to form there own preconceived notions of who I am as a person. If you haven’t guessed by now the issue I’m having is do I say “Yes I’m gay” or do I allow a part of myself to go unnoticed (a small part but an important part nonetheless). Or am I kidding myself all together believing that they all don’t know (I’m a 23year old aspiring fashion designer that has the worlds biggest crush on Britney Spears not to mention that I’ve never been on a date) but when I started the coming out process it seem as if it was the biggest shock people have ever had. So I’m lost is there even room in the GLBT community for a: well spoken, politically in tuned, highly informed gay man, that thinks with the head on his shoulders. (get mad but we all no that a large portion of the gay community puts a lot of there energy toward having sex watching sex and looking hot to find more guys for sex)

I'm no expert and I dont know if this will help but I can relate. What I have learned through my experience is that my reason for comming out at 19 insted of 15 was due to my own view of the GLBT community. I had pre-exsisting notions from what I saw in the media to what I have been told by family and friends on how homosexuals were "supposed" to act and do. It took me a while to say I was gay because I didnt want to be seen as gay "(get mad but we all no that a large portion of the gay community puts a lot of there energy toward having sex watching sex and looking hot to find more guys for sex)" but rather bee seen as "jc". It took a lot of soul searching and realization to notice that being gay didnt define me. I am not JUST gay but I am also an intelligent mind, a good friend, a caring son, a cool brother, a helper, a hopeless romantic, someone who wants to leave an impact on society and more. To my list of attributes I also add a proud gay indavidual. You are not defined as what you are in this world. You are defined by what you do and how you do it.

You may not find that room in the GLBT community but I can asure you, that room can be found somewhere in the world.

I am lucky to have found the room I was looking for, not in the GLBT community but in my own community.