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Sexual & romantic orientations not matching- is this just bargaining?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by LooseMoose, Jan 29, 2016.

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  1. LooseMoose

    LooseMoose
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    I don't mean to delegitimise people's identity/orientation but when I hear somebody say that they are a "heteroromantic bisexual", or "heteroromantic homosexual" I instantly feel that really they are in denial or in the bargaining phase.

    Eg. I have recently encountered a woman saying that she has had the best sexual experience of her life with another woman, and she does not think she can experience this level of sexual satisfaction with a man, but she still "prefers men" because she is "a heteroromantic bisexual".

    The way I see it, is that she has simply not fallen in love with a woman, because she did not focus on being with women before- and this 'heteroromantic but bi' thing is just a way for her to dismiss even trying being with women romantically.

    But - looking at it this way kind of makes me feel like I am completely delegitimising her identity.

    On the other hand- if I were to take this kind of 'splitting' seriously, it makes me kind of worry about my own sexuality- (which I will not get into here.)
     
    #1 LooseMoose, Jan 29, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2016
  2. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Lots of people have it like that. I, for example, find the idea of being in a relationship with a girl pretty, idk... weird. Maybe I'll meet some super nice female person who I'll fall in love with sometime, who knows. But for now I know of no romantic attraction toward females; only sexual.
     
    #2 Invidia, Jan 29, 2016
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    There's no credible evidence (nor even much anecdotal support from therapists) supporting the idea that there's a split between romantic and sexual orientation. The majority of the people are likely using the split as the 2016 version of the way gay people used to commonly label as "bisexual"during the bargaining phase of the coming out process.

    The other thing I see (which is also often described by people in the bargaining phase) is confusion between sexual attraction and deep, emotionally intimate friendship. People who say they feel a deep, emotionally intimate connection to someone but would never want to have sex with them are describing friendship, not "romantic attraction"... but if they've never had really intimate friendship with anyone, they might not realize that.

    That said, there's nothing wrong with someone choosing that label if it works for them. My only concern is that for people trying to figure out who they are and where their orientation actually lies, these unrecognized labels often end up creating more confusion and delaying people's eventual self-acceptance.
     
    #3 Chip, Jan 29, 2016
  4. thepandaboss

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    Yeah, I'm gonna be honest. I have a hard time putting stock into the idea of romantic orientations. Just sounds like a deep friendship to me. That's not to say that all relationships have to revolve around sex. And I get why, say, an asexual might like using the term romantic orientation instead of sexual because it doesn't denote having to do anything sexual or whatever.

    But for people who basically say stuff like "I'm a heteroromantic bisexual" or 'I'm a homosexual biromanic", it just seems like overkill. Why not just say "I'm bisexual but prefer men/women" or vice versa? Or at least acknowledge that you really mean you could have a deep friendship with someone? Also keep in mind that, like Chip said, it might just be a symptom of being in the closet. Saying "Oh, I like sex with men but I romantically like women" seems like it's being used as a soft way to avoid labeling a specific orientation.
     
    #4 thepandaboss, Jan 29, 2016
  5. marcelinevin

    marcelinevin
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    The split attraction model started on the AVEN wiki if I remember correctly. It was introduced by asexual and aromantic people as a way of describing they held sexual feelings but not romantic feelings and vice versa for a gender/genders. And so some non-ace/aro people adopted it as a concept because it makes sense to them.

    Personally, I feel a big disconnect between what I like sexually and what I like romantically sometimes. Which could be to do with past trauma, sexuality confusion, etc, but it's still there and so the words work for me and were a great help when I was questioning for years. I don't use them anymore because trying to analyse and put every feeling I have into a box of different attractions confuses me and I feel like my sexuality should be just who I want to be with. And I dislike people telling others they are biromantic for example because they are best friends with the opposite gender/have confused emotional feelings, or bisexual bc they find some opposite gender attractive, etc.

    But I do think it's valid for those who experience it. There's being bi and thinking you'd be able to date both men and women and having a preference; and then there's feeling sexually attracted to both men and women but having zero feelings or urges at all to be romantically involved with one of those genders/repulsed by the idea of it but genuinely enjoying sex/having sexual attraction for both genders. You know? Idk if I make sense, but those are different to me. I know that some of it could be confused people, just like anyone who identifies as a label could be.

    But if people feel it's valid for them then I think it exists and don't see the harm in them using the model as long as they aren't openly claiming they are two opposite labels like lesbian and bi (which would have negative connotations for lesbians, and the same for gay men, etc). And as long as an individual doesn't think everyone should label themselves that way, then I don't see the issue in describing how they feel in the most accurate way they can. "Preference" feels like something completely different in my experience.

    Sorry that this was long, lol. I tend to ramble. And I don't mean any of this confrontationally or rudely, just my point of view on it.
     
    #5 marcelinevin, Feb 3, 2016
  6. blueshadedsoul

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    It's exactly that. After I came to terms with my bisexuality I thought I just had a preference for girls, but after a while I realized that my preference lies basically on the romantic side, not so much sexually. So it makes more sense to me to say that I'm homoromantic bisexual instead of bisexual with a preference for girls. I have no idea how legitimate that is, but it's just how I feel as of now.
     
    #6 blueshadedsoul, Feb 3, 2016
  7. afgirl

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    I really had no idea how complicated this all could be. I'm still having trouble deciding on sexual orientation. Did not realize there was more to it than that?
     
    #7 afgirl, Feb 3, 2016
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