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Someone of the unpreferred sex is flirting with you, what do you do?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by lovetoomuch, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. lovetoomuch

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    Hey everyone, I could use some help here. I seemed to never have this problem in high school, but in college it is happening more often than I expect (or ever expected). Girls have been flirting with me and recently another one has and I don't know what to do (seriously not bragging, just trying to explain the situation).

    The girl is from one of my classes and she has started conversations with me on Facebook the past three days and unless I'm completely off (which is possible), I think she is flirting; she seems to be very flirty in class as well. Anyways, I was a fool and gave her my number because I'm not on social media too often and it was taking me forever to respond to her, which made me feel bad.

    Every time a girl has liked me in the past, I have basically avoided their flirtation and it makes me look like a jerk because they definitely think I'm not interested, which is true but it's only because I'm gay.

    This girl is really sweet and quite honestly, if I was straight, I would definitely give it a chance. I see where this is heading and I don't want to lead her on, but I also don't want her to think it's because she is unappealing. However, I also don't want to tell her I'm gay because no one at my college knows.

    If you experienced flirting in the past and weren't interested because of your sexual orientation, what would you do to deal with the situation? Thanks for any advice and sorry for this post being all over the place.
     
  2. Aussie792

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    Either wait for her to be explicit and politely tell her why you're turning her down or casually let her know your sexuality when the context permits.

    Don't think about it too much. It'll be a minor embarrassment but nothing more.
     
  3. Mr Spock

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    I agree with the above. You don't have to wear a t-shirt proclaiming your sexuality. If it is anywhere on your social media sites you'd think she'd have figured it out... :confused:
     
  4. guitar

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    I don't have an issue being friendly and flirting a bit back, but if it continues I'll usually pull them aside and say "I think you're very cute, but I'm gay."
     
  5. Tightrope

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    Small college, I take it?

    My answer is not the popular one. It sounds like, for now, you've made a choice to keep things hush. It's on your time. As for the flirting, and if that's all it is, just roll with it. If you don't reciprocate, it will eventually stop, although another person of the unpreferred sex, as you call it, might come along and flirt with you. As for their feelings, if their self esteem is healthy enough, then their self esteem won't be dented by the experience. Not only that, their self esteem is not your responsibility.

    It's on your time. You're the boss.
     
    #5 Tightrope, Feb 3, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2016
  6. R M

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    Ive had this problem too. A female friend of mine started flirting and always touched my hand or arm, stufd like that. I'm bisexual, but at the time, I was more interested in finding a boyfriend. What I did is show that youre not interested. If she makes a flirty joke, like ablut you two bekng together or something, you can say something like: That's why I'm glad we're friends. Anoter thing I did that really worked, but probably won't work for you, is acting more "gay". Girls don't want sissy boyfriends. I did this too once and it really works.
     
  7. Funn

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    I actually had a boy ask me out just yesterday. To make it worse, he was very... I wish I had a nicer word, but he was pitiful. He seemed to know he had no chance, even before I told him I am a lesbian. Then he was so embarrassed... I felt so bad I was tempted to say yes out of pity alone. I didn't, obviously, since that would be horrible. It was just really sad.

    So anyways, I find the best approach is honesty. If you do not try too hard to spare feelings, there can be no misunderstandings later. I'm not saying be deliberately mean. Just make sure there is no room for error in what you say.

    When he asked me out it went like this.

    Him- "Will you be my girlfriend?" (it was something cute like that, I'm paraphrasing)

    Me- "No. I'm sorry, but I can't."

    Him- "Oh, why not?"

    Me- "Because I am a lesbian."

    So, no room for any misunderstanding at all. I did feel so bad for him though. He was like 16 and never had a girlfriend... ugh I feel mean.
     
  8. joshvolby

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    maybe give her a little but not so obvious hint that you are not interested.

    now i feel so bad thinking about how i turned down a girl in college who is also somewhat close to me. because i said it on her face after she kissed me "Im not interested in you, thats not going to happen".
     
  9. denouement

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    If it's obvious and I'm not interested I'd just say "Sorry, I'm not interested in having a relationship." For me, that gets the message across without being too specific about the reasons why.
    If they start to go the "bluh bluh is it me?" route, I just firmly say I appreciate our friendship but nope, not interested in dating. IMO that's clear enough to show I'm interested in them as a person in general, but not the romance part, heh.

    Otherwise I would just ignore any flirting, you can still have a friendly conversation but not respond to flirtation. She'll probably either get more explicit about it or give up.
     
    #9 denouement, Feb 4, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2016
  10. JiminyJordy

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    The two most viable options are: tell or avoid. Plainly state your preference for men or resist her flirting. Either route you take you're being honorable and fair to both parties involved.
     
  11. Euler

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    In my opinion you only have two ethical choices:

    1) You tell her you are gay.

    or if you prefer protecting your right to privacy

    2) Tell her that you are getting the feeling she is flirting with you and ask her what is her motivation. If she acknowledges then you can politely tell her that because of very personal issues you cannot be romantically involved at the moment. Or just plainly tell her she is not your type.

    In my opinion ignoring or avoiding is not a nice practice. Imagine someone you had crush on did you the same thing and then you would be left wondering what is wrong with you.
     
  12. Kira

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    I've had two cases where I've rejected guys plainly stating I'm gay, but they just don't give up. I already have trouble rejecting people, but heck I don't even know what to do in that type of situation. I don't know if they don't get that girls can be gay too or if they're just that confident in themselves. Gah, I don't know.

    Hoping when I finally move that won't be an issue any longer.
     
  13. Michael

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    This sounds quite reasonable.
    I'd like to add, I've been there and I solved the situation by giving very clear non verbal cues that the person is irritating me, and not answering calls or sms at all. It takes me also forever to answer stuff, but when I'm interested I show it through my words.

    Just don't show it, don't even bother to try to be polite, she might have been misreading it.

    If you don't want to risk to hurt her, which I can understand very well, just tell her that you are gay, if you think you can trust her, and ask her to keep it between you and her. The question is if you want to risk it, if you trust her : On such tiny details you can see if you are really interested on her or not.

    Are you planning to come out at some point? It will have its benefits, among them to avoid such situations.
     
    #13 Michael, Feb 4, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2016
  14. imnotreallysure

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    Play along for a bit. I like the attention.
     
    #14 imnotreallysure, Feb 4, 2016
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  15. mychemromance99

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    I flirt along.
    Honestly, I love the attention :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    As long as the person isn't making me uncomfortable, I would play along.
    If the person insists, I would excuse myself and give some lame reason.
    I am bad at lying, and I am not fully out so yeah, a lame excuse could suffice.
     
  16. guitar

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    It's funny, I've had 2 girls fall for me pretty hardcore after coming out to them. One I got super flirty with in a fun, over the top way, but she knew I was gay (we'd talk about guys all the time) but she still took this as me being interested and I sort of wound up breaking her heart. I've been this way with several girl friends, but I guess this one had a thing for me and it kinda took a bad turn :frowning2:
     
  17. Rydia

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    Depends on what kind of flirting it is. If it's just casual, I just let them carry on, but if they're straight I don't flirt back, because I don't want to make them think I'm interested.

    If I think they're actually trying to work up to asking me out or I just flat out don't like them, I pointedly ignore them or flat out tell them I'm not interested depending on the situation.

    Oddly, I probably flirt much more with my gay male friends than with girls I'm actually interested in. I think it's because everybody knows that nobody is trying to get anywhere and it's all just for fun with nothing at stake.
     
  18. BookWriter1994

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    This hasn't really happen to me but if it did, I would probably say that I am not interested. or say that I am seeing someone.

    maybe you can do that! that would usually work!
     
  19. beastwith2backs

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    I brush them off politely and say i'm not interested.
    To be honest, I feel bad when the few times this has happened, considering someone thought i was atteactive and wanted to give me a chance... It's nice knowing i'm a bit appreciated in that way.
     
    #19 beastwith2backs, Feb 4, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2016
  20. ForNarnia

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    Accept it, but make it clear I'm not interested. Unless it's some creepy old dude, in which case, I excuse myself and get the hell outta there