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Assuming sexuality

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by lovetoomuch, Feb 4, 2016.

  1. lovetoomuch

    Full Member

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    Hey everyone, I have been posting on here a lot lately so I'm sorry. I was really bothered by something today and I'm annoyed at myself for how bothered I am by it. I could use some help rationalizing my thoughts. So here is what happened:

    Only one friend at college knows I'm gay, let's call him Bob. I don't date girls or anything, but for the most part, people haven't seemed to assume my sexuality (from what I know). Bob was talking to another girl that is in our class (they are both like 5 years older than me though as it's a grad class). Anyways, Bob was saying how he was going to hook me up.
    Then, the girl says (about me), "isn't he gay?" Bob said, "Not that I know of." And she replied, "I've always assumed."

    Bob told me as a joke (we joke pretty often about me being gay) and didn't tell me to get me mad, but I am really bothered by this. The girl is really sweet, but I don't understand why we (society) have to guess / make assumptions about someone's sexuality. Why is my sexuality even something she thought about?

    I'm also bothered at myself because I care. This is the first time (that I have known of) that someone has assumed I'm gay, even though I'm sure it has happened before. I am gay so her assumption is right, but I'm still annoyed. Even though I have gained much acceptance for myself recently, I'm assuming this is still a case of internalized homophobia?

    I also just feel like a comment like that means she looks at me as "a gay guy," instead of a "human who happens to be gay." When meeting someone, I don't want someone's first impression to be "He is gay."
    Like I said, I'm really bothered by the fact that this is bothering me, but it has been on my mind constantly since Bob told me a few hours ago.
     
  2. guitar

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    Before I came out to everyone, I was bothered by this too if someone assumed this about me. I mean, it was true, but part of it still kind of stings for some reason. It sounds like you're taking it as "lovetoomuch is gay and that's bad," when she probably just means it as "well, it's not like I can date him." Or even further, "Why Bob, are YOU going to hook him up with another guy? :wink: "

    There probably is some internalized homophobia in there, but only if you think THEY think you being gay makes you bad, or different in a bad way or something. It'll take more time before you really come to terms and truly accept your sexuality. I think for me being around gay friends who are totally out and happy and have nothing to hide really helped me develop that in myself too. If someone guesses I'm gay I haven't told, my answer is "why yes I am." Usually that's the end of the conversation.

    Somewhat related, but I was listening to an old episode of Adam Carolla's podcast the other day and he was talking about people being closeted and he said something to the effect of: "People just want to know. They don't actually care, nor will they do anything to you. But it's like only hearing half of a conversation. It bugs you. It's not your business but it still bothers you only hearing half of the conversation. Once you finally find out Tim is gay it's like 'Oh, well, alright then. How was the Pats game last night?'"
     
    #2 guitar, Feb 4, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2016
  3. VampireGrin

    Regular Member

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    What you're feeling is normal. It's hard, especially when the majority of society perceives being gay as a bad thing. My boyfriend and I like when our waiter asks "together or separate?" opposed to assuming we're together. I like when people say their surprised when I tell them I'm gay. I like when people compliment my more masculine traits. I'm much better than I use to be, but I'd be lying if I said I don't face some internalized homophobia still. People are going to question or even assume your sexuality, there's no getting around it. Like you said, why get bothered? But also, why get bothered about it bothering you? It happens to the best of us. You said only one of your friends know, so you're still in the early stages of coming out. Once more people know and you get more and more comfortable with yourself, it'll get easier. Try not to stress!
     
  4. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    I think it's because people that assume sexualities usually work with stereotypes and it's always a bad feeling to be regarded under those...