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Pronouns and names

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Determination, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. Determination

    Regular Member

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    So i'm slowly starting to come to terms with my gender identity and I hope this site can be a good outlet for that. Outside of here, I go by "she" pronouns and my birth name, because I'm not out to many people and also I haven't really chosen a name for myself yet. I'm in a GSA at my college where pronouns for trans/nb/etc. people are always honored, but I don't yet have the guts to tell the other members that I'd prefer he or they pronouns. Outside of there, I have a "lover" (i guess you could call him) who knows I'm non binary and is still getting used to the whole idea, but says he won't call me anything other than female pronouns and my birth name. Which is understandable, but it hurts a bit knowing he'll only ever see me as a female.

    I'm just kinda trying to make my way through all this confusion and be myself but i'm surrounded by people who I know will think i'm crazy or lying if i say a word about this stuff.

    How do you deal with people knowing what your pronouns are but not wanting to use them, and how do you choose a name for yourself? Any advice is appreciated!
     
  2. AlamoCity

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    I have some advice I've never shared about choosing a name. Don't pick a current, trending name. Go to the Social Security Administration and find what were the most popular names for the desired gender. Maybe look at the top 100-200. Pick something that calls your name. If you pick a trendy name now, you may be "outed" as having changed your name, if you're as paranoid as me. If your name is Aiden and over 20 years old, I will suspect you changed your name because it's only popular now and the cohort of people who got the bulk of that name are a lot younger.

    Note: I'm not trans so I've never changed my name. I can be more paranoid than the average person (says the guy with his face picture on his profile :lol:slight_smile:.
     
  3. ForNarnia

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I also have this problem. I'd like for people to use male pronouns/name for me (I'm kind of fluctuating between genders, but I feel male most of the time.), but I know it's unrealistic and that I will never be comfortable coming out, having surgery or trying to pass outside of my own home (I don't think I pass well enough).

    You're not crazy for feeling this way, so don't let others make you think that. You are unique and most importantly, you are you, and they should respect that. Sending hugs, hope everything turns out okay (*hug*) xxx
     
  4. BryanM

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Columbia, Missouri
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If people aren't respecting your name or pronouns, they probably aren't the type of people you would want to be around. I know pronouns are a huge thing for the trans community, and I make it a duty to learn names and pronouns, and if I slip up, just quickly correct myself and apologize and move on, because for most trans people I've known, if you slip up, making a big deal about it or saying how you feel so bad for messing up their pronouns can be even worse for them and their gender dysphoria if they have it. For me, binary pronouns are no problem, but it's the gender neutral pronouns (they/them, xe/hir, etc) I slip up on some, and that's why I make it a priority to memorize a person's name and pronouns, especially if they use nonbinary ones.

    ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2016 at 07:48 PM ----------

    How you feel and what pronouns you use does not have to be validated by any surgery or change in appearance whatsoever. Your pronouns are amazing and if people won't use them, correct them mercilessly or cut them out of your life, if you feel it's safe to experiment with new pronouns. (*hug*)
     
  5. thepandaboss

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    Hey, pronouns matter. Nothing wrong with asking someone to stick with something gender neutral like "they/them/their" or so on. Frankly, if someone doesn't respect that I'm a he, I don't need to hang around them.

    I chose my name because it was something I liked and felt like it fit who I was. Don't just choose a name because it's trendy, believe me on that. You can try asking your parents about other names they had in mind for you. You can also look into your family, think of family names. Or go with something that personally resonates with you.