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My friend told me that lesbians make her uncomfortable

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Aerin, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. Aerin

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    I was driving with a friend today and she told me that when she sees women dressed like men it makes her uncomfortable.

    This really surprised me, mostly because this friend is really open minded about pretty much everything. And I know she wasn't being judgemental when she said this - she was just being honest about something she didn't understand.

    I actually almost told her that I find masculine women really attractive, but blurting that out isn't really the way I want to come out to her lol.

    I asked her if she was talking about transgendered people or gay women, and she told me she was talking about lesbians. I asked her why it made her uncomfortable, and she said she didn't know why exactly. She went on to tell me that she doesn't have any problems with gay men, but gay women freak her out. She said that she obviously knows that just because a woman is gay, it doesn't mean this woman will have a crush on her, but it still makes her uncomfortable for this reason.

    This is probably my biggest fear about coming out to friends. I have several close friends who are women, and I've never been attracted to any of them and I never will be. I don't want to come out and lose the closeness that I have with them because they're worried my hugs mean more than they do.

    Has anyone had a similar experience to this?
     
    #1 Aerin, Mar 15, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2016
  2. Kodo

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    Well, a lot of people I know automatically assume (for no legitimate reason) that if a person is gay then they are attracted to everyone of the same sex. As if, "Oh by golly, have you heard Jill is a lesbian? I bet she's got a crush on me, or maybe she's peeking in the locker room. Ugh!" Nasty attitudes like this. To which I can raise an eyebrow to say, "You mean to tell me you have steamy attractions to every Dick, Joe, and Harry that walks past you?" Libido with a capital L, I'll say.

    Most of the time, even "open-minded" friends can be off base. This is probably due to ignorance, or a failure to realize that - yes, indeed - beauty is in the eye of the beholder and - no, in fact - every LGBT person isn't a lusty teenager.
     
    #2 Kodo, Mar 16, 2016
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  3. Euler

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    I kind of understand where the discomfort is coming from. Not every straight male-female friendship mean that they want each other but in those friendships there are barriers that are not crossed precisely to avoid any possible misunderstandings. I guess that's the same thing with the same sex straight-gay friendships. And large chuck is probably from the fear that if a gay person falls in love with me it somehow "stains" my public straight image - at least with guys. For some reason if a straight guy is asked by a gay guy if he is gay he takes it as a signal that he does not appear straight enough.
     
  4. Michael

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    Think that kind of people felt unsure about their own sexuality.

    I've seen it with hetero men who say stuff about gay men, just out of personal insecurities. You've got also the gay men who used to be homophobic, and quite verbal about it.

    Now you know how you can freak her out when you need to :slight_smile:
     
  5. Creativemind

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    As a lesbian, I'm not even attracted to most women I meet. It's a very very small rarity of women, due to having a specific type and also not desiring a relationship at the moment. So usually straight girls are just flattering themselves :slight_smile:

    Likewise, sometimes my gay male friend will joke to them that he's uncomfortable befriending straight women because they all want to fuck him/grab his junk (which isn't even true nor is he uncomfortable with straight women. He only says it to be ironic and make a point). When they complain about sexism or that "not all of us like every guy we meet" they kind of get the picture in regards to irony.

    Plus some lesbians are uncomfortable with straight people in general, due to homophobia.
     
  6. Canterpiece

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    I find it particularly annoying when people find out I'm gay and say stuff like "Oh well as long as you don't hit on me" and I reply saying that I won't and they ask "Why? Don't you find me attractive?!?!" If I say no then they get offended and think I'm calling them ugly, and If I say yes then they'll get creeped out. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. :eusa_doh: :grin:

    This video by Domics describes it pretty well. Just switch the genders and this pretty much sums up some of the responses I've had from people. Except without the drugs part.

    [YOUTUBE]htLAwIHC4ug[/YOUTUBE]

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htLAwIHC4ug

    But um yeah, sorry if I took the thread off track a little here. :icon_redf
     
    #6 Canterpiece, Mar 16, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  7. DreamerBoy17

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    It's like that with my friends' parents' right now. Some of them are weirded out about me coming to sleepovers now because I'm a guy. Parents, I'm the same person I was when you thought I was queer. :dry:
     
  8. idsm

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    I understand that it´s both irrational and unfair.
    But I have to confess that I kind of feel the same way about straight men... (especially if they are past middle age, like 50 or older)
     
    #8 idsm, Mar 16, 2016
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  9. Tritri

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    Straight men are more accepting of lesbians than of gay men.
    Straight women are more accepting of gay men than of lesbians.
    Why?
    Straight men like women, so they can understand women liking women too. They can't understand how gay men could like men even when it's socially taboo to.
    Straight women like men, so the can understand men liking men too. They can't understand how lesbians could like women even when it's socially taboo to.
     
  10. EnchanterForest

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    I came out to my friends that I was gay. Most of them were okay with it and all but then there is a couple of my friends who are now edgy around me and hate it when I give them a hug to try make them feel better or I put my arm over their shoulder like boys do. It just makes me feel unwanted, like my other friends are fine with it.
     
  11. Rydia

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    There's a woman I've been friends with for over a decade who is like this. In most respects, she's a fairly open-minded person, supports "gay rights" etc. but she has said more than once that she is uncomfortable around lesbians, even though she admits it doesn't make any sense.

    It actually caused some friction in our friendship awhile back, because some of our guy friends used to joke about the two of us being in a relationship and she'd always respond by going out of her way to make sure everyone knows she's straight and generally finds the idea of two women together to be "icky." She also would become very hostile towards me, because she viewed the fact that other people thought (even if only jokingly) that she might be a lesbian was all my fault. I was not out at the time, but I've never tried to hide my sexuality and i'm somewhat GNC, so people tend to assume.

    She's always been weirdly paranoid about thinking other people might think she's gay. We were roommates for awhile and she went out of her way frequently to point out to other people, who had no reason to know or care, that she was most definitely straight.

    She's married now (to a dude), so all of that has pretty much calmed down and the subject doesn't come up much, but she still doesn't like being around lesbians.

    She's also a bit on the misogynistic side and tends to be critical of other women (including me) who don't meet her standards of femininity, though not as much since she had to have a double mastectomy due to breast cancer. I guess maybe getting a taste of other people judging her for being GNC (though not by choice) has made her a bit more empathetic.

    I think the misogyny and lesbophobia are related.
     
  12. Aerin

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    I really like a lot of these posts, it's good to hear that others have had similar experiences!

    I am the same way, I am very choosy with the girls I fall for!

    Love the video, it's spot on. It's completely frustrating, because I want to make it extremely clear to my friends that I am in no way interested in them romantically, but it's hard to do that without hurting their feelings.

    That's really interesting, especially having been friends for so long. It seems like she might have some personal underlying issues.
     
  13. Canterpiece

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    May I ask, what does GNC stand for? I looked it up an it just came up with a nutrition company.

    :shrug:
     
    #13 Canterpiece, Mar 17, 2016
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  14. Aerin

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    GNC means gender non-conforming.
     
  15. Canterpiece

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    Ah, okay. :thumbsup:
     
    #15 Canterpiece, Mar 19, 2016
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  16. Weregild

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    Your friend is probably afraid that lesbians objectify women in the same manner that men do. At least this used to be my first reaction when learning that someone I knew closely came out as a lesbian, until I realized that I am a lesbian myself.
     
  17. LogicNoSense

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    My father's similar, somewhat. He's okay with LGBT (I think he knows I'm bi too) but he just doesn't like gays. Since I love yaoi and have a tendency to talk to him about it, he just says that he isn't comfortable with it, though he's okay with les.

    On the other hand, I also have a problem with my friends. I'm out to all of them, and I'm somewhat a flirt, and always flirt with them. If I tell them when I've flirted with them before, I still need to remind them that no, I wasn't gonna jump them. It's something most of us go through, but at the same time, never-endingly annoying and hilarious.
     
  18. Loveislife

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    I never really get it when people say they are okay with either gays or lesbians, but not with same sex attracted people of the other sex. I think I've only ever heard of people who are not okay with same sex attracted people of the same sex as them but who are okay with same sex attracted people of the other sex. I have never heard of a woman saying that she is okay with lesbians but not with gay men or of a man saying he isn't okay with lesbians but is okay with gay men for example. Could it be that these people feel that way because they themselves have some underlying same sex attraction and are just projecting their own uncomfortableness with that onto members of their sex who are attracted to their sex?
     
    #18 Loveislife, Mar 25, 2016
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  19. JonSomebody

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    Two of my sisters had told me the same thing in regard to lesbians making them uncomfortable. However, in their defense, they are both very attractive women and I have seen first hand lesbian women who have hit on them in public and although they did not respond in a negative way, you could tell by their body language that they were very uncomfortable.

    I remember this young lady that had worked in my department and what stuck out to me about this lady was how beautiful she was and how much she resembled one of my sisters. Once we got to know each other better, she revealed to me that she was a lesbian. While at lunch one day, I told her how much she reminded me of one of my sisters and then she asked me what her name was. When I told her...she started screaming hysterically. Come to find out, she knew my sister, they took some of the same classes while in college. She also admitted to me that she had a huge crush on my sister even though she knew she was straight. From that point on, she talked about my sister a lot whenever we were alone. She talked about her so much that one day while visiting my nephews and nieces, this sister came over to the house and I decided to mention this employee to her. Once I mentioned her name, she immediately responded. She told me that she did remind of her of a younger version of herself and she was a very nice person. However, she also stated that the one thing that annoyed her was that she made her feel very uncomfortable whenever she came around her and it was very apparent that she was a lesbian because of the way she used to stare at her as well. So, under those circumstances, I understand what my sisters meant about certain lesbians making them uncomfortable.
     
  20. Creativemind

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    I feel this way about straight men. My experiences with them have only been with them hitting on me, and especially refusing to take no for an answer (or hearing that lesbian is a challenge and that I need their cock in me), being catcalled by straight men, hearing rape threats by straight men, straight men telling me uncomfortable sexual things.

    I'm not comfortable around straight men. I don't like them much at all, and I don't want to even be friends with them (since even if they are good guys, the risk of them liking me or having a jealous girlfriend causes too much drama).

    So I understand the sentiment completely, but I feel that if I openly admitted "Straight men make me uncomfortable" I'd get heat for it. It's an unfair double standard I've seen straight people have, especially since, imo, straight men are more creepy and worse than any gay person I've ever met.