Without saying too much in respect to them, I have made a friend in the past couple of months. I have nothing against autistic people, they are equal in my eyes, in fact it makes me uncomfortable to call them autistic because it just doesn't feel right to label them. They are going through something with one of their own friends. It's hard to know what to say to comfort them, because it seems like anything I say will set them off. They are an online friend and I know this other friend of theirs as well. I don't know how else to be there for them. It feels like I've done all I can to be there for them, and I wish I could fix whatever it is that they're dealing with, but I can't. I hope they sort things out with their good friend. But I don't know how to talk to them when everything I say leads to something that causes them to cry (not because of what I say to them, they are just an emotional person). Help? :icon_sad:
It might not be relevant that they're autistic. I actually had a therapist that told me she thought I was autistic, and I've done my research and I think she was probably right. I'm right between identifying as autistic and not. If my experience isn't autistic, it's certainly similar. Everyone speaks for themselves, but I personally see no shame in identifying as autistic. It's a disability. It makes life harder in this able world, but it makes us no less human. However, it's not always important to point out if someone is disabled. Referring to it when unnecessary is a sign of tokenization and seeing the person as less of a person and more of an object. In any case, this person is lucky to have you as a friend, even if it's just online. You clearly care about them, and they're hurting. When you say you make them cry, what do you mean? If you're talking about possibly triggering things, I would suggest talking to them about how they want you to talk to and support them. Don't talk about things that are likely to trigger, unless they explicitly want to talk to you about it. Offer help and follow their lead. It's also possible that you're being so supportive you're moving them to tears. That happened to me recently with a friend, and I was glad to receive such support. In this case you're probably doing things right.
^ Thank you. Good to know. I think that may be the case. You're right, autistic doesn't matter and I don't know why I mentioned it. I mean when I say something to make them feel better, they say thank you so much, and then they seem to spiral and remember other things that make them upset. Also… as much as I want to help this friend, they tell me things about themselves that *really* bother me, like, certain fetishes that they have for example. And it's difficult to tell them it bothers me at all because I know saying such a thing would crush them. I almost accidentally did, once, and I feel awful for it. But at the same time, it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE and I don't know how to get that through to them. I have tried telling them before.
It sounds like, even though your conversations set them off, they really appreciate them and choose to continue to have them. It can't hurt to make sure that's the case. I think I'm in a similar position as your friend. I'm a wreck in so many ways, and frequently have either panic attacks, extreme sudden sadness, or urges to kill myself, which is obviously dangerous for me, and the real possibility of dying scares me so much, like the fear of continuing to live in pain. So my conversations with friends sometimes touch on painful things. Sometimes I get triggered. Sometimes it really hurts, but I value my friends and the conversations we have. I talk to them about how to avoid triggering me, which has helped a lot in making communication open and free. I can understand your predicament with dealing with your friend sharing details you don't want to hear about. If it makes you uncomfortable, there's a problem. I would actually say try to endure for now, until your friend is doing better. From their perspective, it would probably sound like you are rejecting them and wanting not to talk to them, even if you explicitly state the opposite. It would almost certainly hurt them. I understand feeling bad about turning dow n sharing, or rejecting them. It's because you know it would hurt them. You don't want that, but sometimes it is necessary. You don't have to keep quiet about your discomfort with this. In the long term, I would definitely advise against it, but what you do now is really your call. If it isn't anything illegal, I personally would be indeed weirded out, and try to not talk about such things, but I don't think I'd be so bothered by it that I'd ask for advice on how to deal with it, but that's me. I've had people share stuff like this with me, very uncomfortably, but I'm chill with it. The way I see it, it's just getting to know someone better, warts and all, and I embrace the uncomfortable sharing. But that's just me.
Thank you. Yeah, it's a sticky situation to be in for sure. And I'm so sorry you deal with that, that must be difficult. (*hug*) Sometimes I feel the same, and it's scary. But I do appreciate their friendship and want to/try to be a good friend in turn. I will just keep doing what I'm doing and will be there for them in any way I can.
