1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Shame applied to non sexuality areas in people.

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by brainwashed, Mar 19, 2016.

  1. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Disclaimer: My theory. Speaking in generalized terms.

    Just as shame keeps people from being who they innately are sexually, so to (my theory) can shame bestow a given behavior trait onto unsuspecting others.

    Case A. A woman I know lives a normal life. On the surface, married (now divorced), kids, house, etc. But one or two layers down she hates men - anger, sadness, fear. I believe (I could be wrong) this unconscious feeling, behavior towards men, was indirectly taught to her via the environment she grew up in - cause, effect. The cause: her father humped (hump, slang for lots of sex) just about every women he could get his hands on, causing extreme family trauma. The effect: she hates her father and thus men and this carries into adulthood in the form of anger, sadness, fear, shame.

    Case B. Another women I know craves men on the surface. She cant get enough of them sexually. She is funny, happy, loves to entertain and is extremely smart - her high IQ is scary. She wants to find "Mr Right" and settle down. But one or two layers down things are different. She cant maintain a long term relationship. I've observed this woman belittle her current boyfriend under her breath - I don't think she realizes she is doing this (but I hear her whispers). She belittles friends husbands & boyfriends. The cause, my theory, her father was an abusive alcoholic. The effect, fear, anger, sadness, shame.

    Case C. I'll save that for another time. (got to run)

    Use of words: when I say one or two layers down I mean unconsciously and / or sub conscious behavior.

    Comments, reflections?

    .
     
    #1 brainwashed, Mar 19, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2016
  2. Boatman

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2015
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    The shame I felt being in the closet definitely affected me on many levels. I acted in ways that hurt those around me who cared for me. Often I did not realise how I was affecting them or treating them, how I'd speak about them....
     
  3. blindstorm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2016
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arkansas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The shame I grew up with translated into a lot of self-hatred and unhealthy coping techniques. Externally, I'm much more withdrawn when it comes to relationships, even friendships. I'm always waiting for something to go wrong.
     
  4. Secrets5

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2015
    Messages:
    1,964
    Likes Received:
    77
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My thoughts? Put your answer on hold and swap around the genders in the cases (i.e. Case A: A man I know lives a normal life ... The cause: his mother humped every man she could get her hands on ... The effect: he hates his mother and thus women...) , then see if your two answers match, if it does, then you have your answer, if not, then why don't your answers match?
     
    #4 Secrets5, Mar 19, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2016
  5. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I do like your response, thanks. I have the same situation - self hatred and poor coping techniques.

    I too am withdrawn.

    And yep, I'm always waiting for something to go wrong. This part of your response resonates the best with me.

    ---------- Post added 20th Mar 2016 at 08:25 AM ----------

    Answering this, because I really like the challenge and for some reason the response is torquing my brain.

    I would say "hate" is not the best word to use. I would use "angry". I would then go on to say "shame". (2 of the 5 basic psychological states)

    I know some men who are ashamed of their mothers.
     
  6. QueerTransEnby

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2014
    Messages:
    3,708
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I realize that there is a ton of shame regarding coming out. I know I experienced a lot of that in society after coming out. Heteronormativity causes a lot of this in that we are somehow less than for being LGBT.

    However, I have found that some people say they are "shamed" when they refuse to take responsibility for their actions when it comes to dealing with other people. Actions have consequences. "I hear so many people saying that I ___(not an expletive, just fill in whatever the issue is) about me, so they are ___-shaming me." This attitude of some people is basically saying that they can do whatever they want with no reprecussions. I don't subscribe to that philosophy.
     
  7. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Interesting comments so far. Thanks.

    I think what I am trying to have a mini dialog about is, negative environments when a kid can be very detrimental to a persons well being when an adult.

    Shame in not only applied to people in the LGBT community.
     
  8. Secrets5

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2015
    Messages:
    1,964
    Likes Received:
    77
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    There is a poem by Dorothy Law Nolite ;

    "If a child lives with criticism,
    They learn to condemn ...
    If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
    They learn to find love in the world"

    You could also talk about socialization and the different ways a socialization has on a child when they're adult. One reason I'm saying that is what is considered ''negative'' can be subjective to an individual family and/or country. For example, some people think it's okay to hit a child, whilst others consider it abusive. If you see what I'm saying. The person who hits their child might not think anything is wrong, and you tend to see a trend that they've been abused in a similar way when they were a child [not that it excuses what they're doing]. Hope this helps.
     
  9. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Pretty cool poem, thanks.