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On the wrong path

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by SHACH, Mar 22, 2016.

  1. SHACH

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    This is such a random topic for this forum but this is my favourite place to get advice from strangers soooo.... I feel like crying right now, because I'm gonna turn 18 soon and I am going in completely the wrong direction and hating everything I'm doing...

    Since I was little I wanted to have a creative career. I said I wanted to be a writer or an artist and I spent all my time on these things.

    But when it came to choosing GCSEs (10ish subjects you study from 14-16 in UK) my mum convinced me to take 2 langauges, and I was wedded to triple over double science, so I never took art. And my English teacher was so awful I campaigned to get him sacked and decided I would never take English again.

    I made new outlets in learning Japanese and writing songs with my friend. I got a guitar but my mum kept forcing me to play violin and so I failed to progress much without any direction and with my mum forcing me to practice violin.

    Then for my A levels (3-4 subjects studied from 16-18 in UK) I chose Physics, Maths, History and French. My mother and languages again... I tried to swap out French for Art but the evil Art teacher just thought I was messing her around, so I swapped it out for Japanese. I spent all year just trying not to fail maths and failing anyway and having always prided myself for being a ridiculously posotive thinker I started to become really depressed. I threw myself into guitar after exams and it was the only thing that made me feel alive again and I was so motivated.

    I started really questioning my sexuality around then and I joined EC in maybe September. I started to slow down and mess up my school work and trying to practice guitar was a constant fight with my mum about how I should be working. But as I accepted myself around Christmas I gained confidence and applied to do this music project in a nearby town. Then my mum started suspecting stuff about my sexuality and she was really scaring me... it eroded my confidence so when she was telling me I couldn't go to the project because I needed to do schoolwork I just stopped practising and started getting all depressed again. I went to one of the project meetings and was sure I sucked. Then this friend of mine who I was sorta in love with but thought was straight started going out with another girl, kept it from me for 2 months and then just shoved it in my face at a party... which I couldn't leave because I was going home with her... so I half poisoned myself with alcohol, snogged and tried to go off to have sex with a random girl and had to be saved by that same friend, therefore outing myself, was accused of trying to break up my friend's relationship, threw up everywhere and had to recover enough by monday to hang with these poeple at school and act normal(small school, and I've been through having no friends - I couldn't deal with that situation again), only to come to school with everyone talking about me. Needless to say I became so depressed and actually ill for a while that I couldn't bring myself to go to the project sessions and I had to quit because they had moved on without me, plus I hadn't even been practising... The only good thing that came out of this period was me writing some really emotional song lyrics haha.

    Now I'm here almost 2 months later with some places in University to do Japanese or History, unable to motivate myself to do enough work to get the A-level grades though, and wondering how I'm ever going to be able to do anything creative when I'm now not good enough or qualified enough in anything I'd really like to be doing to take it further. I have no qualifications for art school, I'm not good enough for music school, I'm over-qualified and under-motivated for these Japanese courses and I certainly don't want to end up as a business person in Japan, and I can't stand the thought of 3 more years like this, barely forcing myself to write History papers... How do I even turn this around? I'm up for doing crazy shit but like... are there any more crazy moves I can make? I got all motivated today like I was gonna get my life back on track, but then I realised that I can't.
     
  2. PrivateUser

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    Have you considered, since you mentioned writing, that the subjects you take do not make a great deal of difference when it comes to writing? You do not necessarily need to take art to be an artist, and certainly not at the O and A level standards. I wish I had been able to study certain things in school - we're going back nearly half a century now - but I was stopped from doing them. I had to do what I was told, and I did it. Once I left school and finished with University and all those sort of things, I got down to doing the things I wanted to do, in my own time, with no pressure. I don't write books, but I do get my monographs published regularly - I could do a quick sales talk here, now, but we'll leave that one. I consider school to have been the basis, the foundation for what I wanted to do later and, looking back again as you are looking forward now, I did it.

    So, look forward, and do it.
     
  3. SHACH

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    Thank you for responding. Yeah, I've thought about this. Sorry, I was getting all worked up so I was expressing my current feeling of hopelessness, but yes, I've thought about this. Its just that I'm still being forced forward in a way that I don't want to be and I don't know how to break off in a different direction. I have to deliver on these A-levels. My lack of work is just causing me conflict. And I have these degree courses lined up that I'm being pulled into. I just wanna know how to create a plan to move forward, because I feel pointless and all the people around me tell me is that I'm an arrogant fool and I need to get a proper degree to get a real job and I'm gonna end up as a tramp with my stupid ideas. And tbh I'm starting to just go along with this shit because it will mean I'm off miles away and can escape my controlling, closed-minded, casually homophobic, angry mother. But I don't want to waste another 3 years feeling as pointless as I've felt these last 2... I mean, my dad died when I was 5, I had no friends from 11-13 and yet this is the worst I've ever felt, its ridiculous.

    But yeah I'm just ranting again now... I suppose my problems are more about my state of mind and if I can turn that around and just look at the situation how you're looking at it, I'll realise I don't need to feel pointless and that I really have so much time. I just guess I always thought I could be great at a young age because I always had drive and creativity and such and now I feel like I'm gonna be funnelled into the conventional corporate rat race before I have a chance and I've let it happen. But I really need to try and put it into perspective like you said. I need to stop complaining, which is why I blocked tumblr because I had some moany mildly anarchist blog there that was doing me no good.
     
  4. SHACH

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    Jeez a lot changed in one day somehow. SOAS University of London just changed my offers for BA Japanese and BA Japanese and History to unconditional. (!) If I accept the Japanese one, I guess that means I can focus on Japanese and my creative stuff, which are my favourite things, and not worry about all the other shit because I don't even need to pass. This is making me really happy after the trainwreck that was my mind yesterday. But I do still feel some pressure to do this awful History project... which I haven't started... and is due in on friday... and contributes about 20% of my grade or something... :eek: Nevermind, I can still do enough to pass, there's just no crushing pressure now. I know how to learn Japanese stuff fast and efficiently so I know I can juggle that and my creative stuff... This sudden occurence is greatly improving my outlook for the future. :grin:
     
  5. Invidia

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    That's great!! :slight_smile: I'm happy to hear things are going your way now. Godspeed!