My friends in high school always suspected that I was a lesbian. They tried to get me to "come out" even before I was aware that I felt that way. I never even allowed the question of "am I actually gay?" to cross my mind because I thought it was totally absurd. (A few days ago, I finally asked myself if I really could be gay. After a ton of introspection, lo and behold, I actually am. Though, fully accepting that fact is still proving to be a bit of a challenge.) How in the world do people know that you're gay even before you do? Like, are you subconsciously projecting your gay feelings into actions that your friends can notice but you aren't conscious of?
No clue. Reminds me of when I was still questioning if I was transgender. I had told absolutely nobody what I was thinking, because I still didn't know. But then me and some of my family went to an amusement park, and one of my cousins (who I didn't know was FtM transgender, either) asked me, in front of my sisters and brother (who fortunately weren't paying much attention), "So, what name do you prefer to go by?" It took me a second to figure out what he meant. Turns out his mother already thought I was trans and told him as much. :roflmao: But honestly, it probably wasn't that hard of a conclusion to come to for anybody, even if his mother wound up only being right by accident. I have never dressed like a girl, never talked like one, acted like one... I'm surprised it took me this long to figure it out, much less anyone else.
My uncle knew even at a young age he knew I was ""different " he was waiting for me to come out. Sad part is he died before I could tell him. Before his death my brother told me they had a conversation talking about they wish I start being true to myself. I miss him so much I regret not telling him.
I think cracked.com said it best (I love this line so much I included this line in my own coming out letter). It was written about Trans people but I think it's equally applicable to being gay, among many other things about yourself you may not realize:
Growing up my dad constantly told me that I would be a lesbian. Turns out he was wrong but I think that is only because he didn't know transgender was a thing. He use to love telling me how not like a girl I was, even when I was trying to act girly. I think the above poster said it best. People looking in from the outside can sometimes see things we can't
Mine was a shocker! I dont know why, but i have a feeling that my seven year old brother is gay. Im probably wrong though ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2016 at 10:09 PM ---------- No one knew mine, it shocked everybody
I think it's hard to say specifically one thing, some people might 'know' for a different reason than the next. It seems to happen quite a lot though.. One of my good friends who I've known for several years is a lesbian and my sister 'knew' without ever speaking to her, and this was 2 years before I found out. (which feels slightly strange for several reasons, one being my sister is straight and I'm the only - or at least as far as I'm aware - LGBT+ one in the family?)
Yeah, I've been there too with one of my friends... for some reason she was highly suspicious of me being a lesbian even after I had denied it a few times. In her case I think it's because we'd known each other for years and I'd never talked about guys with her or our mutual friends (or anyone else for that matter), and if she ever asked me if I thought a guy was hot my answer would always be something like: "absolutely not", and I figure that made her suspicious. At the same time I do think people give off certain vibes even without being very expressive. It comes from observing people and unconsciously picking up on the patterns of their behavior and such, and from that we form (unconsciously) a view of how let's say, a non-straight person would be. Then the next time we meet someone who fits that specific pattern, or is close to it, we might start suspecting the person isn't straight -- aka gaydar.
Reminds me of when people would playfully tease me about it, but it's only recently I realised what they were on about. At the time I was just confused and didn't get any of the jokes, but now I do and I feel like a bit of an idiot for not understanding them at the time. :lol: Spoiler As for when I was aware of my orientation yet in the closet, it was something that I got asked about quite a bit. I think the most telling moment was when we had a seating arrangement in my old English class, and the girl I was sat next to asked me if I was gay shortly just after sitting down. Like how? How on Earth? And she laughed one time when I said I was straight. Then there was that time when I turned down this guy who was jokingly flirting with me (I don't think he was actually flirting, more so just joking around) and two girls asked me if I liked him and I said no and they both looked shocked and claimed that he was the "hottest" boy in school and that *every* girl had a crush on him at one point or another. They both looked at each other and started to ask if I found them attractive and asked if I liked girls instead. I thought they were joking about the part where they said that a load of girls liked him, but it turned out that quite a few did- or at least that's what I heard going around. One girl that thought I was straight remarked that I was "like a gay man" which I was rather puzzled by. She went on to explain how I was so boyish/masculine that if I were to date some guy than it'd be "like a gay relationship", and she asked one guy once if he liked me whilst laughing, and he said he didn't like me that way but he didn't see how it was "funny" and she explained it to him. Even when I "dated" this guy (we were both gay and still are lol) people still questioned how "straight" I truly was. I guess that makes sense considering how feminine he was and how boyish I was (I have changed a bit since then), it makes sense that people would assume (correctly in this circumstance). Yeah...when I look back, I'm pretty such my closet was more of a piece of glass than anything. XD :eusa_doh: Also, now I realise just how oblivious I must've been. :lol: Still am to some extent, or at least I can be. ...Sorry for going off topic there, I'm in a talkative mood. :icon_redf
Mom knew I liked boys but... she had an inkling I liked girls too. Yeah, I don't know if we give off body language that others see and we don't...
I met my partner at a summer program in college...we realized we were in love and started seeing each other 2 months after the program ended. But (we discovered) everyone in the program *and my father* knew we were in love by the time the program ended. Now...it was open at the program that I was attracted to women and already had a gf. But how did they know I was in love with this other person before I did? It's a slightly different question, but I think it relates to the OP question...basically, how can others be more in touch with what we're feeling than we are ourselves? The only answer I can come up with is that what we're in denial about is quite visible to others. If we're in denial about it, then we aren't hiding it. Kinda makes sense.
They make assumptions based on the way you speak and move. When I was entering my teens, I had limp wrists, I disliked sport and was bad at it, I spoke effeminately, and these are traits that other teenage boys associated with being a girl, or a gay boy. I wasn't speaking or acting like the other boys at school, so I must have been gay. I was being called gay before I even knew I found men attractive. I didn't come out until I turned 20, and all the way through secondary school and college I tried to cover up and act "normal" and I rarely spoke because I knew that everyone thought I sounded gay so I would avoid expressing myself. Of course, that only heightened my peers' suspicion that I was probably trying to cover up being gay, and they'd call me gay any way.
Nobody "Knows" before you do. They guess. It irritates me when people come out and everybody insists that they knew all along. It's a really selfish way of making somebody else's sexual orientation about you. People make these assumptions without cluing in to how much damage they do. Part of what kept me in the closet was the people who were on the edge of their seat waiting to say "I knew it all along." Nobody knows until you tell them. Period. Maybe you drop hints, Maybe you share certain qualities of the average gay/lesbian man/woman, but nobody knows for sure until you confirm it.
This may be true... but there are people whose "guesses" are very close to 100% accurate. In my experience, among my group of friends, our collective gaydar is pretty on-the-mark. And I have one friend known as the "gaydar Jedi" (who happens to be straight) who has, so far as we know, never been wrong... and he's picked people out as much as 5 or 7 years before they came out. What is it that gives it away? That's really hard to say, and different for every person. But there are a bunch of factors, some of which may not even be things one can consciously describe, that come together and paint a picture that seems to be pretty accurate. Sometimes the most obvious indicator is someone who is desperately trying to "prove" they're straight. That's why I generally tell people, when they can ask what they can do to hide themselves, that usually just being themselves is the best thing, because anything else tends to exaggerate and draw more attention. I do agree with the above poster that a big part of the reason why often everyone knows (or, if you prefer, "accurately guesses") before the person does is the denial factor. Denial can be really powerful.
Display of stereotypical traits, gaydar, or maybe just sensing a 'difference'? I don't know. It could even be a mixture of all three. It just occurred to me that some people may take notice when we seem to take a lack of interest in the opposite sex. I remember when I came out as bi to two friends in the past. I was floored when they told me that they weren't surprised and they could already kind of tell. I know many of my family members on my maternal side highly suspect that I'm gay and have been thinking this since I was a very young child.
Well with me, the signs were there as young as like 11-12 and i noticed them, i just repressed it and made excuses to myself and convinced myself i was just a modest, conservative, not very sexual studious girl from a religious family. A good daughter, pretty much. But even then, when i was totally convinced i was straight, i would get people that asked if i was gay and i would tell them i'm straight...but for some reason despite myself believing it, it never felt right rolling off the tongue. Long story short, perhaps the 'gaydar' is real, or perhaps they simply noticed signs you hadn't picked up or ignored yourself. Or like if you were trying to pass as straight, something about it still tipped them off.
