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Is This Wrong of Me? (SUPER EDGY N OFFENSIVE)(DONT REED)

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Plattyrex, Apr 27, 2016.

  1. Plattyrex

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    I am going to say now that this may offend some people. I do not intend to hurt anybody's feelings, but I need a general concess on whether it is morally wrong of me to have certain feelings that many would consider to be bigotry. I would just like your opinion. I have had a lot of issues with women in the past. I have been hurt physically and sexually, and as a result I have a tendency to be uncomfortable around women. This seems harmless and natual enough, and something I will probably get over. However, when the issue of my sexuality comes into play, I think otherwise. I think I might be bisexual. I never liked girls before, but I do now and I don't know why. I fucking hate it. I cannot stress enough how disgusted I am at the idea of being attracted to women. I honestly feel this way, and I find that most of it comes from a place of aggression. I feel like I have developed a weird issue where I project the bad things that happened to me onto all women, and therefore I feel inherently violated when feeling any sort of attraction toward them. This might seem odd, but you should note that it is the result of months of assault and sexual harrasment. I know that doesn't justify it or anything, but it is an explanation. This has become much worse as of late, as I have had memories resurface leading me to believe I may have been molested by a female relative at a very young age. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the majority of my experience with the opposite gender has not been positive. Because of this I don't feel safe around them, with the exceptions of certain family members, friends, and my therapist. Due mainly to a lack of security, I tend to assume that most females who I don't know will hurt me and I should avoid the. I suppose I don't think it on a loical level, but the thoughts are definitely there subconsciously. I would like to make it clear now that I do NOT hate women. Most of my closest friends and family members are women. But in all honesty I don't care to be around most women strictly for comfort reasons. A recent exception would be a wonderful friend I made at school, but I think a big part of it is that I kind of assumed she was a lesbian from the beginning and as such had no reason to think she would take interest in me in a sexual way. Admittedly I have developed something of a persecution complex, so that's kind of an immediate fear I have with most women. I know this isn't very well worded or organized, but I thought I should put it out there. I just want to know what you think. I know most people are not in a position to give advice on something like this, so I'm mostly just looking for opinions. Also note that I know these feelings aren't healthy and inneed to work on them. It's jst that the idea of harmless prejudice is a pretty difficult pill to swallow, but I honestly don't see how this is hurting anyone. I am freaking exhausted right now and I know I'm going to regret posting this in the morning, but I'm a tired dummy so I don't care right now. I'm really sorry if this was offensive to anyone, I didn't mean it to be.
     
  2. AgenderMoose

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    I see where you're coming from. From my perspective, I think it's absolutely reasonable for you to be having a crisis with this, especially previous history. I cannot personally relate to such feelings on a group of people, however, it makes sense to me how your mind is working. Going through trauma with something tends to have your mind associate negativity with that thing in particular, especially when that trauma happens at such a young age. I cannot really say much to help in this matter. I don't think it's my place. But if you ever need anything, even just someone to rant to, I'm more than willing to listen.
     
  3. biAnnika

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    Hey, Plattyrex...deep breath, please...it's ok.

    Feelings are fine...you can feel whatever you feel, and it's ok to feel that. If you don't trust me, because I'm a woman, that is fine...just listen and figure out if what I'm saying makes sense...then do with it what you want. But it's not wrong to feel how you feel...it's the only way you can feel. And they're your feelings...so feel them, ok? And don't feel bad about having them...do realize where they're coming from (it sounds like you do), and that they aren't rational (it sounds like you realize that too)...that's ok, too...feelings *aren't* rational, but we have them...we have the ones our brains think we need to have. You can feel it now, or you can repress it now and feel it later, with interest. I suggest feeling it now.

    But I would also suggest that if you're thinking you may be bisexual...maybe you might want to really sort things out with your therapist *long* before you consider engaging in a relationship with a woman. It sounds like your feelings there, and the reasons behind them are complex. Friends are great...no issue with friends...but if you consider trying a relationship at some point, make sure you've done this work first...please?

    I wish you peace and happiness. Be Blessed, dear.
     
  4. Bubbletea

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    To be honest, I can relate to everything you say and it isn't offensive at all. I just have it with males but I also had the sudden struck of memories which caused a landslide of additional memories of abuse of all kinds (physically, mentally and sexually by 2 family members) which made me not trust a single soul. I even went to the length of sterilisation so I wouldn't ever be able to reproduce and pass on this tainted and screwed up DNA.

    But I'm also attracted to men. So, now what. It's a toxic mixture of lust, guilt and anger. I understand that completely. And to be honest I think its a natural reaction to trauma.

    (Stockholm syndrome as in be nice to a threat in order to survive / anger and disgust because you know now / guilt cause rationally you know better or at least think you do).
     
  5. Kevin240

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    Your post isn't offensive. Actually, I think it's a pretty huge deal that you can identify, acknowledge and own your feelings. A lot of people suppress what they think are "bad" or "wrong" feelings...and you can't deal with what you don't acknowledge.
    It seems to me that you have really good insight, which I think is so important. You need to give yourself a lot of credit for your honesty.

    As for "wrong" feelings...I'm a gay man, married to another man, but I have no gay friends. I don't like being around gay men. I feel like an outsider. Awkward. Intimidated. Somehow "less than". I know that it's because of past experiences where I was used and manipulated. I had a really traumatic experience with 2 gay men, and decided I was going to be straight. I knew my husband for 5 years before I trusted him enough to reveal myself as bisexual and say that I had feelings for him. I got so scared when I did it that I ran out and slept with a woman.

    Don't judge yourself so harshly. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. I'd just say, don't rush into anything. Don't feel like you have to somehow "fix" the way you feel. I think you need to have positive experiences with women as friends first. Things were very rocky with my husband at first. He kept asking me not to look at him as a "gay man"...but as a person. I know it's irrational to say I'm married to a man but don't like gay men. There go those "wrong" feelings again. Talk about offending people lol.

    Cut yourself some slack. Don't apologize for your feelings. I have no great advice to give you, but just know that you're not alone.
     
  6. Gunsmoke

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    It's okay! As a woman, I'm not at all offended by this, although I would definitely suggest that it is something that you should discuss with a professional, for your own sake.

    Your feelings are completely valid and I can totally understand why you would feel this way considering your experiences, but honestly, I'm not angry and I can't imagine that many of my fellow women would be, as is shown by the above comments. Personally, I do not consider you to be a bigot, because that usually requires thinking that women are inferior in some way etc. You do not need to apologise for your feelings, even if they are irrational, and it's really good that you have not only realised that you are having these feelings, but have also reached out about them. I really hope you find the support that you need!
     
  7. Jellal

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    There are lots of women who feel this way about men too, so don't worry. This doesn't make you a bad person in the slightest. It's good that you understand where these thoughts and emotions are coming from. I wish you all the best in finding a way to become more at ease.
     
  8. Plattyrex

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    Omigod thank you guys so much. I didn't even remember I made this thread. Thank you all so much for being so kind. I was all mopey and pissed off today, but reading through this made me feel a little better. Thank you all so much, and I apologize again if I offended anyone. I don't really have a filter on my mind when I'm tired, so sometimes I discuss thoughts I really shouldn't.