Hi, I need some advice. I have been working my way out of the closet for a few months now. I decided that I did not want to spend my life alone..and that I need to create a positive world that I live in. To do that, I decided to get out where other gay people are to be a part of something...and not spend my evenings alone. Well, I have gone to several places around my area that are frequented by gay people in my area. I also have gone out to the gay bars in the towns that are within an 90 minutes of my location, and I have joined several gay group through social media...and even to some outings in person. I am more of an introvert, so going to places new to me is a challenge. So the first time I went to a place, I was quiet. After that, I starting walking up to people to try and start a conversation...and got pretty much nothing in return from the other people I talked to. I do have to admit that in one outing I went on I did not help the situation when a group of gay guys were making fun of another gay guy because he was too much of a fem. That made me mad, and I approached this group and told them that it made me mad that we are part of a group that is fighting to be accepted by the mainstream, and here we are shooting ourselves in the foot by making fun of another gay person. So that did not help score points in making friends. I am not going to give up going to other outings in the future, or to stop frequenting these gay-friendly establishments, but I feel after about three months of work on this, i feel like I am not making any forward movement on making friends, or connections in the gay community. What else can I do to help move myself forward?
Hey sweetie (*hug*) I really hear that, because I live in a rural state/small town situation. It feels like there aren't a lot of people, I mean we have gay groups, but I don't really identify with them... You were right to rebuke them for teasing the femme gay guy though. I realize it may not feel fun for you because you didn't "score points" there. But in the end, I think it's more important to think about how you looked in the end. You might have looked like a bit of a shit disturber, but on the other hand, you looked like a person more marginalized people can feel safe to talk to and associate with. And in smaller communities, word like that gets around, and it can work to your advantage. There's not a lot of point in taking the path of low resistance if it means watching douchebag gay bros tear down another guy. You've got my salute over here...
I'm very proud you told them to shut up. That guy you defended will remember that. (Unless he didn't know they were berating him) You did a good thing. We can't allow any sort of bullsh** discriminatory and meanness. GOOD FOR U!!
You need to ask yourself whether you want the acceptance of such people in the first place or not. Clearly, people should think about this the way you do, if you find them make sure you stick around!
This is definitely real! When I first came out, I noticed that people just assumed that because another guy was gay, we'd automatically be best buds. Ummm, no. Not even close. I will say, I think you've just been unlucky and have found the bad groups. I went to the LGBT group at my university one time and it was super boring. Everyone knew each other and it was really cliquey - I never went back. Don't be ashamed of who you are. In all honesty, a lot of these groups of are probably just glorified dating/hook up things. Don't get discouraged. One suggestion I have is maybe try and find another group that's not specifically gay, and just meet cool people. Maybe it could be one that's stereotypically gay, like something related to the arts, for example. That way, you can become part of a hopefully gay friendly community.
What you've done here is uncovered two myths. First that the 'gay community' is an actual social group of people and second, that all gay people like each other. It's a good thing to have some gay friends but it's not a good thing to only have gay friends so it isn't necessary for everyone at these groups to befriend you, just the ones you like. Being gay isn't exclusive to one type of person so there's no reason to believe that all gay people should get on. I don't think you're doing anything wrong here, apart from maybe worrying a bit too much about it. Be honest, be yourself, have fun and likeminded people will be drawn to you.
