Is It Okay?

No. I think there should be a fundamental level of trust there, and that parents should respect their children's privacy. It reinforces a more positive relationship of mutual trust and honesty, and maintains a healthier familial relationship over time.

Unless there is very good reason to be concerned about the child's immediate safety/health, I don't think it's okay for parents to check on a teenager's private messages.

I've read someone with more experience in parenting articulate this point of view better than I am now - though I can't remember where I read it. But bottom line is, in the vast majority of cases I don't think it's okay.

 

My parents never did anything like that. But that's because they had no reason to; they trusted me and knew I wasn't getting into any kind of trouble. Plus, by late high school I had a job and was paying my own phone bill, so it would've been even more of a violation.

I think it could be justified if you suspect your teenager is doing something dangerous and illegal (and talking about it with them has not yielded any success). I don't really see it being justified in any other case, though.

 

I'd say no. They should have a right to some privacy.

 

Unless the parents/guardians have a legit excuse (something that could threaten the safety of the child) hell no.

 

Nope. My parents went through a stage when I was 14-16 of installing software on my laptop that allowed them to check all my internet history and instant messages to people. I was practicallu a perfect kid, never did anything bad or have any reason for them to do that but I was pretty unstable emotionally and that made me more paranoid, anxious and untrusting of my parents. It's not worth ruining your relationship with your child and making them resent you. Having privacy and a space of your own to learn and grow is needed in a kids life. Parents need to learn when to start letting go and just letting their children be independent.

 

No, I don't think its right. Like the others have stated, unless a parent suspects that their child is getting into some behavior that can be dangerous to themselves or others, I don't think a parent should get into their child's private life. Being able to trust each other (the parent(s) and child) is key to many relationships especially family bonds.

 

My oldest child is a teenager.

Do I read their messages? No.

Do I reserve the right to do so? Absolutely. If they ever refuse to let me read, I'll remove phone, tablet, etc privileges.

I trust my kids. But as somebody who has more worldly experience, I know a thing or three that they might not. I can caution against unsafe online behaviors.

We've done that with a suspicious online "friend" last year. We simply asked to do a Skype session with the alleged teen and her parents. She disappeared. I just wanted to verify her age. The messages they were sending weren't consistent with a teenager.

 

No. It will instill a message in your kids that you can't trust them. This happened to me a lot, and I now have a hard time trusting my relatives as far as I can throw them for it.

 

Yeah, not okay. My mom used to read my texts when I was growing up- while she had her reasons, it was just violating and did a lot of damage to our relationship. Growing up, it got to the point where I felt I really couldn't trust my parents with anything...

I even had my phone seized when I came out as transgender when I was 18- she read through my social media profiles, my emails, all the texts I didn't have time to delete. There was a lot of anger on all sides but really, it didn't do either of us any good.

She ended up seeing a lot of texts and emails I'd written in anger that painted our relationship in an unflattering light, I felt betrayed and violated. At a time where I was really vulnerable, depressed, suicidal, and needing friends, I was cut off from all my social support. I was self-harming and I even attempted suicide when things got really bad at home and it really wasn't until I started seeing a counselor at my community college that I pulled myself back from the brink. My dad passed away not long after all this too.

So I needed someone to talk to. It got to the point where I had to ask the mods on EC to shut down my very first account and I would hide an iPod Touch, my only way of talking to friends or getting online, in my boxers so I could hide in the bathroom and quickly tap out messages.

Luckily, my mom eventually came around after I cut off contact for a couple years... We're a lot better now but our relationship isn't as close as it used to be when I was younger.

Even a few years later, I'm still pretty skittish about leaving my computer or phone around anyone. I had to train myself to leave my laptop unattended around my own grandmother without shutting it down and slamming it closed every time I got up for anything...

I'd say the only situation where reading a text or, for that matter, installing cell phone monitoring software (I write blogs for a client who sells cell phone spyware) is okay is if your child's under the age of 13 and has a cell phone for whatever reason or you really do have good reason to suspect something's up.

But when your kid's older than that and you don't have a good reason to read through their texts- yeah, don't do it.

 

It is absolutely not okay. Parents should never do this. Not only does it show your kids that you don't trust them, but it can also put serious strains on family relationships. To me, it's no different than hacking into your partner's phone or email account or whatever so that you can monitor what they're doing.
I mean, if there's a real chance that the child is in danger and the parent has genuine reason to believe that this is the case, that is understandable. But for any other reason, no, it's not acceptable.

 

No, unless there is a good reason and the parents are worried about the child's safety.

 

Exactly.

The thought of my parents reading my stuff makes me cringe. Very, very hard.

 

Yeah, same here. It's not even as if I have anything incriminating on my Skype or text messages or whatever, most of it is just my friends and I acting like total losers. It's just none of their business.

 

Not ok and ruins trust involved. It should only be done if you suspect something unsafe or illegal.

 

I said no because I believe that's an invasion of privacy. I tjunk it's only okay if their child has a past of getting into trouble or they're worried about something.

 

Wow, that's something else.

I agree with all that he said. I know that, personally, being monitored like that makes me paranoid and untrusting. It is understandable if the child has shown innapropriate or irresponsible behaviours in the past, or if they are really young and inexperienced, but to invade the privacy of a mature child only causes strain in the relationship.

When I came out to my parents, for instance, my devices and online privileges were seized. Luckily, I already had no friends at the time so it meant little to me. Eventually I got my tablet back, but it has tracking software on it too and the browser is blocked. It is only through a loophole (which may or may not be eventually discovered) that I can even come to EC now. So I am currently walking on that thin ice of being spied upon. And I can certainly attest that trust and respect has been lost on all sides, unfortunately.

 

Totally agree with Spartan 117. Age should be taken into account.
Till 16 parents should exercise control, is my personal opinion. At age 17 most teenagers are old enough to use internet and mobile phones wisely and from that age on, the privacy argument should prevail.