Touchy Feely in the bar... - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

tm74 · 8th Mar 2009, 03:04 PM

As someone not particularly experienced with gay bars and clubs and the like I'm wanting to sound out other peoples experiences (i.e. first time in such a place was last week)

Disclaimer: Obviously this post is aimed at the older members (at least, those who are over the legal drinking age in their respective countries)

Now, I don't know what the "norms" are for general behaviour, but my observation (and experience) is that gay guys are generally a bit more "touchy feely" between themselves, even outside of such places - certainly my gay friends who know I'm gay are quite happy touching (i.e. hands on shoulders, arms, across the back etc) in the kind of way straight guys just don't.

One of my early clues to my sexuality was that craving to be hugged by male friends, or even to just get those light touches from guys (nothing sexual) - but of course, such things got suppressed...

In the club/bar of course, there are lots of people in a small space, but there was generally a kind of openness and comfortable-ness with guys just making contact with each other - including dancing fairly closely to other guys - I recall one rather cute guy dancing up to me (dunno why, I've seen me), and it just seemed natural to start with hands on shoulders, then as he moved around allow my hands to move with his movement and just moved across his chest and shoulders again...

I'm just wondering if this echoes other peoples experience? yes, I know it sounds like a stupid question, but I just want to know if that is typical...

kayar · 8th Mar 2009, 03:21 PM

Yeah I think part of it's 'baggage' and part of it's anatomy.

You see, if you transfer your thoughts to a straight couple (boy + girl); the whole thing becomes clearer. Ok so it's a bit more taboo to fondle the breasts of a girl you've just started dancing with!

But apart from that, yeah the same 'touchy-feely' procedure applies. The shoulders, the waist, the butt, etc. It's used as a signal that basically you are 'interested'. AND straight couples know that it's socially acceptable.

I'm afraid we many of us are carrying baggage that although we want to be 'touchy-feely' in exactly the same way as gays, we are still not confident enough to believe that it's socially acceptable in our case. But we're wrong to feel that way. Sometimes to achieve equality means having the confidence to practice equality, not wait to be given it!

So, good for you - keep on dancing!

**EM68** · 8th Mar 2009, 04:23 PM

I found that gays clubs are very touchy feely compared to other clubs. I went to the same club twice. Once with a group of people and the second time with my bf. The first time when I was with a group I did not know what to expect. A few people in the group were very touchy feely. One guy grabbed my butt a few times and a few people were touching each other chest and nipples.

When I was with my bf we made out a bit on the dance floor and on thee sofas around the club. We did hold each other pretty tight and grabbed each others butt. I would not grabbed his crotch that I feel would not be appropriate. We danced pretty close. Overall I did feel comfortable around him and I was happy that we were able to show affection in a public area without concern of any problems.

joeyconnick · 8th Mar 2009, 04:28 PM

My experience has been that guys are definitely touchy-feely in gay bars. It is kinda weird at first because men in mainstream Anglo-based society are usually kinda touch-averse (except in the kinda ritualized sports touching kinda way, which can get quite over-the-top if you ask me). But I definitely think it's better than pretending that we, as human beings, don't need touch.

I just wish there was some way to stop people from grabbing your butt when you don't want your butt grabbed. I don't mind people touching me but having my butt grabbed is not something I'm okay with if I'm not expecting it or if it's done by someone I dislike.

tm74 · 8th Mar 2009, 04:43 PM

Thanks for the comments guys - pretty much what I expected to hear - but nice to have it confirmed anyway.

LorenzG1950 · 9th Mar 2009, 02:30 AM

Yes, our gay bars and clubs are much more touchy feely than the equivalent bar frequented by mostly straight customers. Customers are more likely to be kissing and there is a fair share of ass-grabbing, and other signs of affection. Much of it seems to be directly related to the amounts of alcohol consumed and the time of night (or morning). The monthly gay dance parties are much looser than the neighborhood gay bars. Basically people come there to dance, sweat, drink, get half naked, and maybe find a partner for the night. It’s mostly harmless and great fun if it’s not totally overcrowded. It’s always comforting to see that many (1,500) LGBT folks at one happy venue. I try to go at least every other month. I took a straight couple once and they had a blast after they survived the initial culture shock

.

tm74 · 9th Mar 2009, 10:08 AM

/tm74 makes mental note to visit Germany... :-)

Alex19 · 9th Mar 2009, 10:23 AM

i wouldnt mind if ppl grabbed my ass. id feel a little special... but as for the nips and chest, back off!

Alannah26 · 9th Mar 2009, 01:42 PM

Sorry, just asking... gay bars are also for lesbians right (or do they have bars separately)? I've never been to a gay club/bar before and I really want to but I heard that the bars a mostly filled with guys.. rather then girls.

9th Mar 2009, 02:55 PM

Yeah they are more touchy feely but what do you expect, most of the people there are men and men have high levels of testosterone and, uhh, hornyness? If the straight chicks were as horny as the straight guys in an average club you'd see boobie-squeezing ass-grabbing every 5 seconds

joeyconnick · 9th Mar 2009, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tazz

Yeah they are more touchy feely but what do you expect, most of the people there are men and men have high levels of testosterone and, uhh, hornyness? If the straight chicks were as horny as the straight guys in an average club you'd see boobie-squeezing ass-grabbing every 5 seconds

I don't think women are any less horny than men--they are just socialised not to show it as much. Horniness is not solely based on level of testosterone.

CraziInsani · 9th Mar 2009, 07:42 PM

Pwahahaha! This sounds fun! xD Though I probably wouldn't drink ... Bad experience when I drank it on accident... HORRIBLE MEMORY! But this sounds fun! xD

9th Mar 2009, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LorenzG1950

It’s mostly harmless and great fun if it’s not totally overcrowded.

Yes, because nothing says harmless like an incurable STD!

riddlerno1 · 10th Mar 2009, 05:13 AM

Yeah, gay bars definitly more touchy feeley. Lots of grabbing and hands!! The first time i ever went, i was so unsure of what constitues appropriate behaviour but its usually the same feelings and fears for many of the people in there. It just takes a bit of getting used to and then its not so scary. Although with some guys you do have to be quite firm and tell them to back off!!

tm74 · 10th Mar 2009, 01:23 PM

Yeah, my main concern was one of appropraite behaviour - and more of "what can *I* do" and figuring out where the boundaries are - but going with a friend or two who are much more experienced of the club scene helped - especially as I already knew that hand-on-arm/back/shoulder wouldn't be misinterpreted by them... but yeah, getting used to it, and want to go back sooner rather than later for another session...

8th Mar 2009, 03:04 PM	#1
tm74 Hug Whore Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: no immediate family - pretty much everyone else Location: Wales, UK Age: 38 Posts: 415 Join Date: Oct 2008	Touchy Feely in the bar... As someone not particularly experienced with gay bars and clubs and the like I'm wanting to sound out other peoples experiences (i.e. first time in such a place was last week) Disclaimer: Obviously this post is aimed at the older members (at least, those who are over the legal drinking age in their respective countries) Now, I don't know what the "norms" are for general behaviour, but my observation (and experience) is that gay guys are generally a bit more "touchy feely" between themselves, even outside of such places - certainly my gay friends who know I'm gay are quite happy touching (i.e. hands on shoulders, arms, across the back etc) in the kind of way straight guys just don't. One of my early clues to my sexuality was that craving to be hugged by male friends, or even to just get those light touches from guys (nothing sexual) - but of course, such things got suppressed... In the club/bar of course, there are lots of people in a small space, but there was generally a kind of openness and comfortable-ness with guys just making contact with each other - including dancing fairly closely to other guys - I recall one rather cute guy dancing up to me (dunno why, I've seen me), and it just seemed natural to start with hands on shoulders, then as he moved around allow my hands to move with his movement and just moved across his chest and shoulders again... I'm just wondering if this echoes other peoples experience? yes, I know it sounds like a stupid question, but I just want to know if that is typical... __________________ "Free your secrets to free yourself"

8th Mar 2009, 03:21 PM	#2
kayar Movin' on up, and movin' on out! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Sing if you're proud to be gay! Out Status: As of 16th March - 64 and rising, but no family! Location: East London / Essex area, U.K. Age: 61 Posts: 103 Join Date: Jan 2009	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Yeah I think part of it's 'baggage' and part of it's anatomy. You see, if you transfer your thoughts to a straight couple (boy + girl); the whole thing becomes clearer. Ok so it's a bit more taboo to fondle the breasts of a girl you've just started dancing with! But apart from that, yeah the same 'touchy-feely' procedure applies. The shoulders, the waist, the butt, etc. It's used as a signal that basically you are 'interested'. AND straight couples know that it's socially acceptable. I'm afraid we many of us are carrying baggage that although we want to be 'touchy-feely' in exactly the same way as gays, we are still not confident enough to believe that it's socially acceptable in our case. But we're wrong to feel that way. Sometimes to achieve equality means having the confidence to practice equality, not wait to be given it! So, good for you - keep on dancing!

8th Mar 2009, 04:23 PM	#3
EM68 Happily Married! :) EC Moderator Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out and about. Location: Stoughton, Massachusetts USA Age: 43 Posts: 4,288 Join Date: Jun 2008	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... I found that gays clubs are very touchy feely compared to other clubs. I went to the same club twice. Once with a group of people and the second time with my bf. The first time when I was with a group I did not know what to expect. A few people in the group were very touchy feely. One guy grabbed my butt a few times and a few people were touching each other chest and nipples. When I was with my bf we made out a bit on the dance floor and on thee sofas around the club. We did hold each other pretty tight and grabbed each others butt. I would not grabbed his crotch that I feel would not be appropriate. We danced pretty close. Overall I did feel comfortable around him and I was happy that we were able to show affection in a public area without concern of any problems. __________________ I'm beautiful in my way, 'Cause God makes no mistakes I'm on the right track, baby I was Born This Way -Lady Gaga

8th Mar 2009, 04:28 PM	#4
joeyconnick sine qua non Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Toronto, ON Posts: 3,332 Join Date: Apr 2005	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... My experience has been that guys are definitely touchy-feely in gay bars. It is kinda weird at first because men in mainstream Anglo-based society are usually kinda touch-averse (except in the kinda ritualized sports touching kinda way, which can get quite over-the-top if you ask me). But I definitely think it's better than pretending that we, as human beings, don't need touch. I just wish there was some way to stop people from grabbing your butt when you don't want your butt grabbed. I don't mind people touching me but having my butt grabbed is not something I'm okay with if I'm not expecting it or if it's done by someone I dislike.

8th Mar 2009, 04:43 PM	#5
tm74 Hug Whore Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: no immediate family - pretty much everyone else Location: Wales, UK Age: 38 Posts: 415 Join Date: Oct 2008	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Thanks for the comments guys - pretty much what I expected to hear - but nice to have it confirmed anyway. __________________ "Free your secrets to free yourself"

9th Mar 2009, 02:30 AM	#6
LorenzG1950 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Far out Location: Mannheim, Germany Age: 62 Posts: 488 Join Date: Mar 2006	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Yes, our gay bars and clubs are much more touchy feely than the equivalent bar frequented by mostly straight customers. Customers are more likely to be kissing and there is a fair share of ass-grabbing, and other signs of affection. Much of it seems to be directly related to the amounts of alcohol consumed and the time of night (or morning). The monthly gay dance parties are much looser than the neighborhood gay bars. Basically people come there to dance, sweat, drink, get half naked, and maybe find a partner for the night. It’s mostly harmless and great fun if it’s not totally overcrowded. It’s always comforting to see that many (1,500) LGBT folks at one happy venue. I try to go at least every other month. I took a straight couple once and they had a blast after they survived the initial culture shock . __________________ Lorenz "Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" Jon Stewart

9th Mar 2009, 10:08 AM	#7
tm74 Hug Whore Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: no immediate family - pretty much everyone else Location: Wales, UK Age: 38 Posts: 415 Join Date: Oct 2008	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... /tm74 makes mental note to visit Germany... :-) __________________ "Free your secrets to free yourself"

9th Mar 2009, 10:23 AM	#8
Alex19 who else but me? Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: homo Out Status: I think everyone knows by now Location: New York Age: 21 Posts: 1,301 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... i wouldnt mind if ppl grabbed my ass. id feel a little special... but as for the nips and chest, back off! __________________ "It's always darkest before dawn."

9th Mar 2009, 01:42 PM	#9
Alannah26 Member Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Somewhere on the rainbow spectrum Out Status: 2 of my best friends and my crush! Location: The place where gay marriage is allowed. Posts: 84 Join Date: Mar 2009	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Sorry, just asking... gay bars are also for lesbians right (or do they have bars separately)? I've never been to a gay club/bar before and I really want to but I heard that the bars a mostly filled with guys.. rather then girls. __________________ "I don't know if I'm gay, I don't know that I'm straight but I know I want to be with you." Said By: Molly Said To: Shane

9th Mar 2009, 02:55 PM	#10
tazz Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Yeah they are more touchy feely but what do you expect, most of the people there are men and men have high levels of testosterone and, uhh, hornyness? If the straight chicks were as horny as the straight guys in an average club you'd see boobie-squeezing ass-grabbing every 5 seconds

9th Mar 2009, 07:42 PM	#12
CraziInsani Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Houston Age: 18 Posts: 40 Join Date: Mar 2009	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Pwahahaha! This sounds fun! xD Though I probably wouldn't drink ... Bad experience when I drank it on accident... HORRIBLE MEMORY! But this sounds fun! xD

10th Mar 2009, 05:13 AM	#14
riddlerno1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: All but family Location: London Age: 29 Posts: 712 Join Date: Aug 2008	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Yeah, gay bars definitly more touchy feeley. Lots of grabbing and hands!! The first time i ever went, i was so unsure of what constitues appropriate behaviour but its usually the same feelings and fears for many of the people in there. It just takes a bit of getting used to and then its not so scary. Although with some guys you do have to be quite firm and tell them to back off!!

10th Mar 2009, 01:23 PM	#15
tm74 Hug Whore Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: no immediate family - pretty much everyone else Location: Wales, UK Age: 38 Posts: 415 Join Date: Oct 2008	Re: Touchy Feely in the bar... Yeah, my main concern was one of appropraite behaviour - and more of "what can I do" and figuring out where the boundaries are - but going with a friend or two who are much more experienced of the club scene helped - especially as I already knew that hand-on-arm/back/shoulder wouldn't be misinterpreted by them... but yeah, getting used to it, and want to go back sooner rather than later for another session... __________________ "Free your secrets to free yourself"