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"Being gay doesn't define me"

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by sugarvenom, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. sugarvenom

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    Variations of the line "my sexuality is just a small part of who I am, it doesn't define me" are relayed constantly (especially to straight people). To what extent do you agree with this statement? Do you think being gay affects more than who you are attracted to?
     
  2. guitar

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    I agree in that if being gay is the only interesting thing about you, you're a really boring person.

    I disagree in that if you completely negate your sexuality, it is likely to cause unhappiness. That's not to say you can't be content being gay, and basically ignoring the gay community, opting to do your own thing.
     
  3. peterw78165

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    A-freakin'-men, brother!
     
  4. AlamoCity

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    I will say (un)scientific research shows that people who say "being gay doesn't define" them are 75% more likely to list "masc4masc" on a dating profile and lament how all the gay guys they know are real feminine :lol:.

    I agree that your sexuality isn't a defining characteristic of yourself, but it is also not negligent. There are does things that you cannot change about your self, like your ethnicity, your sex, your height, (your sexual orientation). All of those things define you to a degree. Further, you have other things that for no other reason other than sociopolitical rules define you. You may have been born an American; if the lottery of life and where your parents are from and where you were born can define you, why not an innate biological characteristic of you?
     
  5. crazydog15

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    So what does count as a "defining characteristic"?

    Being gay doesn't necessarily define you, but in a way, it does impact how you see and interact with the world. Not what your interests are--that's a different story. But sexual attraction really does matter. Let's take entertainment options; when, say, choosing which movie to go watch, how many people, gay and straight, look not only at the storyline but also at the attractiveness of the actors? Or in social situations, how many people, gay and straight, have had to fight back blushing when a really cute coworker or customer walks into the room at work? Or at a restaurant? How many people go to the gym just to make themselves look good, and to whom? To themselves, or to potential mates? Speaking from personal experience, if you're really struggling in the closet, how much does that struggle impact what you do (or more to the point, avoid doing) in your everyday life to avoid being perceived as someone "different"?

    My point is, unless you're literally walking around carrying a rainbow banner 24 hours a day (which I have yet to actually see happen), one's sexuality always permeates many, many aspects of everyone's life without it actually "defining" who you are.
     
    #5 crazydog15, Jul 7, 2016
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  6. n3ko

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    being gay doesn't define me but it has determined how I live. being gay is small aspect of me, nothing more than a preference, an unimportant piece of information. but societies valuation of me as a human being based on this information has determined many aspects of my life and thus personality.
     
  7. Gunsmoke

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    Well, being LGBTQ isn't a characteristic - it's something that is an innate part of you, not a character trait, so it shouldn't define you any more than where you come from. For example, if you lived in the UK, like I do, would you define your friend entirely by the fact that they come from Poland? No, you'd define them by their personality. I think it's kind of like that, you know? Whilst it is undeniably a part of who you are, it's not all you are or the main thing about you.
     
    #7 Gunsmoke, Jul 7, 2016
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  8. Hunter8

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    At the end of the day, my gay attractions are on very small part of me. The biggest part of my identity is definitely my Christian Faith. Everything else comes second to that.
     
  9. guitar

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  10. Andrew99

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    My sexuality doesn't define who I am period.
     
  11. Weekender

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    To say that being gay doesn't define me would reduce what it means to be gay to little more than an attraction to the same sex. Sure, in the most straightforward terms, that's what being gay is. But I have to take into account the effect my being gay has had on my experiences and influenced how I perceive the world.

    To borrow EmeraldEye's example, perhaps you wouldn't define your Polish friend simply by their Polishness, but you must take into account how their experiences as a Polish person inform their personality, the way they view the world, and the way others view them.

    Similarly, I can say with certainty that my outlook would be different if I weren't gay -- as I mentioned, being gay is more than just a sexual preference. It's made me part of a community I otherwise might have dismissed out of privilege. It's helped me to view power dynamics between different groups of people through a different lens than I otherwise would have, and made me more sensitive to struggles of other marginalized groups. It's made me less likely to make assumptions about other's identities, more attuned to the existence of my own biases, and more critical of the veneer of history which tends to gloss over the adversity of minorities. The sense of otherness I felt growing up made me more critical of my relations with other people. I could go on and on.

    Without the perspective of my experiences as a lesbian, I would not be quite the same person I am now, in the same way I would not be the same person I am now had I experienced what it's like to be a man or a person of color. Every aspect of my life and my identity up to this moment has ingrained itself into the very fiber of who I am. Being gay may not be my most defining characteristic, but it does define me.
     
    #11 Weekender, Jul 7, 2016
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  12. whaleking27

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    Hi! This is interesting because I don't think being queer DEFINES me. I'm a jazz musician, a sister, a daughter, a friend. On one hand my sexuality isn't a big thing and on the other the things that are "born" as a result of me being queer DO define me in a way... the friends that I have or my beliefs... idk, it depends
     
  13. OGS

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    I don't know that I would say my sexuality defines me. I'm lots of things and that is one of them. It seems to me though that when people say that they are really trying to say that it is a very minor part of who they are. And that's just not true for me. It's shaped how I feel about issues, the type of community I have surrounded myself with, all sorts of things. Frankly, most people I know who have used the "doesn't define me" line are pretty unhappy about being gay. I don't know which way the correlations flows. I don't know if it's causative, but there does seem to be correlation. Honestly, few things in my life have brought me the kind of raw joy that being gay has, so I guess if you have to define me by one characteristic--and I'm not sure why you would--gay works for me.:lol:
     
    #13 OGS, Jul 7, 2016
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  14. SHACH

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    I think it does have importance to me. It does shape some things I do, how I go about life at times... just my feeling of being part of the community... my high consumption of queer media... a shared struggle.

    I don't know, but I think it's a fairly significant thing to me. I would go around saying "it doesn't define me" because I'm not trying to distance myself, but of course, yeah there are other things about me I'm not a boring lump. I would definitely see it one of the more significant things about me, not because of my attractions alone but because of the whole experience and community coming with it. I think the whole process I've gone through with sexuality has shaped my character too, so it's just significant in too many ways for me to brush it off like that.
     
  15. CoderK

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    Being gay is a part of a person, but it is a sexuality. A person cannot be defined solely by being straight, so people cannot be defined solely by their gender or sexuality.
     
  16. kibou97

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    This pretty much sums up my opinion exactly. Sure it isn't my defining characteristic but since realizing I was gay, so much about me has changed as result. I'm not afraid to not act 100% masculine anymore, I feel like I can show my emotions now as opposed to hiding them behind a brick wall, and my feelings toward the community have changed too. I used to ignore the community and write it off as "some random thing that exists" but its so much more than that to me now. So while it may not be a defining characteristic, being gay has helped my other characteristics and has allowed me to be more myself while still being an important piece of myself like other people have said.
     
    #16 kibou97, Jul 7, 2016
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  17. iAmAverageP

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    I would say it effects more than just who you like. The hormones I would say are more, feminine, female-like if you will. For most gay men/boys are more feminine and prefer/like to where girl products. Me myself, I also like to "feel pretty."

    I've also heard where people say about straight crushes to the guy who is straight that he should at least let him be a friend, and that if he does accept him as a friend that he might attract a lot of girls too, for girls find gay guys fun. I wouldn't think they would find them fun because they are gay, I would think it's about the fact they are more feminine. Like girls have BFFs, they would see a gay guy as another friend to talk about things like gossip to.

    But of course that's just my opinion. Others will have their own.
     
  18. 741852963

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    To be honest I think homophobia is more defining than the sexuality itself.

    Does being gay on it's own define me? Well obviously in some regards:
    -It defines that I like men
    -It defines that I know a lot about homosexuality and gay history
    -It defines that I haven't had sex with a woman

    You can flip that for straight people though without subsequently arguing their "heterosexuality defines them". It does (in the obvious ways) and it doesn't (in it not necessarily being conscious).

    Oh I have!

    Yes! I love that video.
     
    #18 741852963, Jul 7, 2016
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  19. Gunsmoke

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    I agree with this too - when I said that it doesn't "define" you, well, I still believe that, but it does shape your views, I think. Which can be as simple as, an LGBTQ person will probably be more concerned about homophobia and/or transphobia than a straight and cisgendered person. That's not to say that straight and cis people don't care, it's just that they don't experience it, and therefore are unlikely to react to it in the same exact way that we do.
     
  20. YermanTom

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    Someone's sexuality doesn't define who they are, just who they 'like', that's all. :grin: