Hello, In this scenario I'm going to use ''she'' pronouns for the partner, but it could be ''he'' or ''they'' as well - just as a note. Okay, so say if I am in a relationship where I go off to work, and she stays at home. We don't have any kids, she just doesn't work - and does little around the house in the way of chores so I do that when I get home. So at the end of the month we pay the bills and after which I give her half of my money. She then says "I'm controlling the money by only giving her half" even though ''half'' sounds fair, she says "it's still controlling since I make the money and she hasn't had a say in if that's fair for her". Even though she does no work around the house, and I say "you [her] are controlling me since I have to do all the work - both at a job and at home". To which she replies "why should I [her] have to do the work at home just because you goes out and 'makes money'". I would reply and say "because we're equals in relationship and if I go out and work for something like 12 hours a day, it isn't fair for me to come home and do another couple of hours of housework." Honestly, in this scenario, I wouldn't want to give her any money at all - she does little for me and I'm having to do everything - what does she deserve? I feel like she's controlling me and using ''forced labour'' as an excuse to do nothing in the way of chores in the relationship, but by saying if I made her do work I'm ''foced labour'' to her, she's actually making me do this ''forced labour'' since someone has to do it [unless you want a messy house]. If I don't give her any money she'll claim I'm ''controlling the money based on my appreciation of what she does'' - but she hardly does anything to appreciate. If I confront her about this she might get herself diagnosed with a condition [or use an existing condition] that means I have to do all the work otherwise I'm ''acting of omission on my duty of care for her" even if she had no signs of the condition before, and even with a condition that doesn't mean a person can't do anything. I can't get out of the house since if I make the money I will be paying, and would be abusing her if I made her leave as that's forcing her to do something she does not want to. So I'm stuck in this relationship where one is controlling the other through words or money and not even sure who is abusing who anymore [and I might be pointing out the abuse she's doing to me more, so if anybody can sort out those biasness that would be good]. This might be an exaggerated fear based on what I read on a sociology and health&social care book, but it's been two years now, and I found in sociology family life isn't always happy so if I find myself in a relationship like this, what can I do?
Have you considered going to a couple counselor? Just have a long discussion about your entire relationship with her. To me it sounds like she's just taking advantage of you and getting upset when she doesn't get enough money from you. Do you love her? Does she love you? No point in having a relationship if there's no love...
The way you are writing makes me think you think this is real. So I apologies, please note this is a scenario but based on a real and possibly exaggerated fear. Since this is a scenario, I cannot answer these, but thank-you and I will consider them if am ever in this situation.
One of my female siblings was in a straight relationship for almost 20 years to a guy who was very similar to the way you describe yourself in your story. My sister did take advantage of him in so many ways. Although she did work, but he paid all the bills, did all the household chores and even cook the meals which she rarely did. Not only that, he would do all the grocery shopping as well. All she did was shop and buy expensive things that she really did not need but just to say that she had it and to keep up with what was hot and trendy. As I've mentioned, she did work but he also gave her a hefty allowance whenever he got paid as well as taking care of all the household expenses on a monthly basis. Yet, she still complained and was not satisfied. When she came around family, she would always brag about being a "boss chick" and that she was the controller of the relationship. Many times she was warned by immediate family and external family members to take heed of her actions because one day he will have enough and will leave her without thinking twice. Nonetheless, she brushed off whatever advice she was given in regard to her relationship. A couple of years ago, he was asked to accept a large buyout from his job because they were downsizing the department he had worked in for over 35 years and did not have any other position available to meet the caliber or level of work he had been doing for all of those years. Therefore, he accepted and once he received the payout, he had given her a very hefty amount of the payout and instead of her putting it away for savings, she spent it on a lot of unnecessary things as well as individuals and some family members whom had taken advantage of her big time. Even when she was warned by other members of the family including myself whom she never offered any financial assistance to or even gave two cents of concern about what was going on in their lives about being taken advantage of financially, she did not listen until it was too late. They even went to counseling because despite all of her inconsistencies and behavioral patterns within their relationship, he did really love her and wanted to work things out for the better. Unfortunately, she wanted to steer all the blame on him regard to the problems within their relationship and when the counselor saw through her stories that she was the primary problem and confronted her by wanting her to own that at least some of their problems were her fault, she got really upset and lashed out on the counselor with very erratic behavior. Needless to say, the counselor did not want to see them anymore and even suggested to her husband that he should leave the relationship and move forward with his life. Okay, so I am going to skip a lot of other details of this story in order to get to the fact of the matter with my story. As of recent months, he finally got tired of her antics and her lashing out on him because he finally understood that no matter what he did that she will never be satisfied and that he can't fix the relationship by himself...she would had to meet him halfway. One day, she started a huge argument over something that she assumed he was doing without having concrete facts to back up her assumptions and he threw his hands up in the air and walked out without looking back. He went away for several days and she thought he was coming back and everything would go back to normal. During his time away, she began to show a side of her that no one ever seen, she actually showed how much she really did care about him and begged him to come back and work on their relationship. For a little while, he did until she listen to some of her backstabbing friends and went back to attacking him but this time he left for good and now the house is being put up for sale on the market. She has no choice but to move and start her life over as a single person which is something she not used to because he had always took care of everything down to escorting her back and forth to work because she worked the night shift on her job. Now...she was alone and all the things she took for granted or taken advantage are beginning to mean a lot to her now that he is actually gone from her life now. What I noticed is that she will still own any fault for the demise of their relationship, she is still trying to put him at fault for everything and even the few things she did bring up as her fault, she also found some kind of an excuse to take the blame off of her. To conclude with my long winded story, this could possibly happen with your relationship. However, everyone handles situations differently but I will also second the emotion of the other individual who had mentioned looking into counseling. Perhaps this may be the help and guidance the both of you will need to change the direction of your relationship.
I would leave without ever looking back. I cannot stand that kind of behavior and being in a relationship with someone as selfish as this example would drive me nuts. I would not want to start a family with someone who acted like that and, even if it would lead them into trouble, I would not hesitate to go. It's harsh, but it's justified.
